After gooseberry wine, the most overrated liquid in the world is probably water. Cosmologists tell us that life on other planets is impossible unless water is present. However, I know from personal experience in my own tole that semi-intelligent life can flourish despite not a drop of water having flowed out of our taps since the reign of King Amsuvarma. This is proof that we don't really need water at all to keep body and soul together. We can carry on in this trajectory through our current incarnation, as well as future cycles of life and re-birth, with no water at all. We don't need any H2O, thank you. So very kind of you, sir.

Generations of Kathmandulays have grown up in total absence of water, and our bodies have evolved gradually through a process of natural selection to adapt to this waterless world. The trick is to replace water with other vital liquids wherever possible, and recycle every drop. There are households in our neighbourhood, for instance, that have completely done away with washing. To clean soiled Y-fronts that they have been wearing every day since the commencement of the current state of national emergency, they use a process called "dry cleaning", which means spreading said undergarment on an ironing board and sprinkling liberal amounts scented talcum powder on it. Voila! Undies look and smell as good as new.

Brushing teeth is a very water-intensive exercise. But many of us have totally obviated the need for water and toothpaste after discovering that one can brush one's teeth with great efficacy if one gargles with a bottle of beer ("Probably the Best Mouthwash in the World") and then using the ensuing froth to vigorously brush all nooks and crannies within our oral cavities. Whiter, healthier teeth, no plaque, no need for water, and a great way to start a new day.

There must have been a huge shortage of water in ancient Egypt, because we know from historical parchment records that Cleopatra bathed in asses' milk. The historical records don't tell us what Mark Antony thought of this practice, or if he in fact joined her in the tub to do asinine things, but it did save Egypt a lot of water since we are told that Cleopatra was in the habit of bathing quite often.

Now, we are acquainted with quite a lot of asses in our own little neighbourhood, but none of them are presently lactating. This rules out bathing in asses' milk for us for the time being, but where there is a will there is a way. Those desperately in need of a bath can join the entire city at the Dasarath Stadium Swimming Pool which has recently been converted into a giant communal bathtub where the entire Valley comes to take a dip and clean the black stuff that gathers in the gap between their toes. All we have to do is enforce a mandatory bath at the Dasarath Stadium for politicians and bureaucrats so they can wash their greasy palms and ensure a squeaky clean administration.

In its effort to conserve water, the Kathmandu Metropolitan City has banned spitting in public and private places. Studies have shown that an average city dweller spits several dozen times an hour. All added up, this represents a grievous loss of moisture from the body and could lead to serious dehydration. Now that we are aware of this, all we have to do is to swallow copious quantities of saliva during the day to quench our thirst. In this way we no longer need to buy mineral water Thirst-Pee (Registered Trademark, Patent Pending).

Water also used to be needed for irrigation, but not any more. Many of us have perfected innovative ways to keep our gardens moist. Dogs are trained to look at the rose bush and pots of dodecatheon as the perimeters of their domain, which they then approach at regular intervals during the day, lift their hind leg, and turn on the sprinkler. For more water-intensive plants like the Delphinium belladona, you can employ the services of the zoo elephant, Gajaraj, which will not only irrigate your garden, but also replenish the flowerbeds with valuable phosphorus and nitrogen-rich nutrients.

At this rate of water conservation, it is highly probable that we will not need the Melamchi project at all, and can use the 24 km tunnel to run a high-speed train to connect Sundarijal with Tarkeghyang so that the people of Upper Helambu can commute to and from Dasarath Stadium to clean their toes on a daily basis.