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'KFC Admits It Mixes Chicken in Extra Crispy Boneless Bucket'
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The way they are being courted by left and right, the Madhes baddies are going from being king-makers to kingpins. JP broke off from Upadro and Bijay Babu locked up his MPs in the parliamentary party office during Round Seven. Comrade Twitchy was twitching more than usual on Tuesday because he was so nervous about whether the guys he thought he bought would show up to vote. But some Tarai MPs are miffed at not being sufficiently rewarded for their role in keeping the Baddies out of power and for their supreme sacrifice in turning down tempting portfolios. Those wearing T-shirts that say 'We Stayed Neutral And All We Got Was This Lousy T-shirt' are Awesome's last hope.
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In the end, what did the trick on Tuesday afternoon was the tape of the wiretap that Uncooked leaked to the press. That this is authentically Mahara Kamred's voice there is no doubt, which means we all need to be careful henceforth on our mobiles. But was that really Mr Cheng playing Chinese whispers at the other end of the line? And why did the Baddies need the Northern Centre to supply the dough? Jamkatel comred with his casino connections could have delivered it by the sackloads to Perish Hill within 12 hours. Mahara is in a fix: CA members who had offered themselves for sale now say they don't want Rs 1 karod in cash, but in gold biscuits.
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The Rastrafarian Bank was forced to ban the import of gold when it found out that gold worth Rs 40 billion was brought into the country in the last fiscal year. Which means we spent all the hard currency we earned from our exports on importing gold, most of which we smuggled into India because of the INR 35 price diff on every 10 grams. This makes us one of the world's top gold exporting countries, and the beauty of it is that none of the revenue comes back to Nepal. One wonders how Surrender Pandey is ever going to resolve this, but given he is JN's bro-in-law maybe he doesn't have to.
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Hard to figure out this love fest between the British East India Company (now known by its acronym UNMIN) and the Baddies. Comrade Chairman is caught on candid camera telling his cadre: "I fooled UNMIN, I lied to them and inflated our actual number three times so I could squeeze some more money out of the Nepali taxpayer besides what I am already extorting from them. I am so smart, hah hah hah." And all is forgiven. The Baddies never fulfilled the 12-point agreement, they flouted the 6-point agreement, and they had no intention of fulfilling the 3-point agreement and unilaterally added a 4th point ("we must be allowed into power, or the deal's off") but nary a squeak from the Meanines.
Then Uncle Ban decides to punish the wrong dude and writes a letter which no self-respecting govt would even agree to receive because it questions the legitimacy of a member state, equates it with some genocidal central African republic, and some P5 members threaten us with Chapter 7. Look, if you love Stalin and Mao Zedong so much, take them home with you and wage a revolution in your own backyard. Someone tell the Mau Mau they're actually hurting the UN's credibility in Nepal by being the only party still so openly supportive of UNMIN.
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And now for the part you've all been patiently waiting for, the announcement of the Donkey's Actual Headlines of the Week Award, which are in order of merit:
1. Overworked Equine in Donkey Heaven (personal favourite)
2. PAC Smells Rat (hmm, quite a lot of rat-smelling going on lately)
3. Butt Backs Down (Pakistan cricket scandal)
4. Ban on UNMIN (not making any of this up)
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