Nepali Times
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526 points in 5 years

ASS


Having nothing to do during the Wednesday bund, the Donkey sat down and started calculating the number of agreements the political parties have reached thus far. Looks like there have been at least 25 major agreements since the 12-point agreement between the seven party alliance and the Maoists in 2005. And since each agreement has a whole lot of sub-agreements and points, the Big Three have agreed on a total of at least 526 points in that period, which gives us an average of 100 points every fiscal year. By this yardstick, Nepal is probably the most agreeable country in the world.

Nothing surprises one anymore in this Syndicated Kleptocratic Republic of Nepal. In the past, even the most incompetent government would beg, borrow or steal to pay off Indian Oil, raise prices and suddenly the lines at gas stations would disappear. Not anymore. This government raised prices, but there is still a shortage. This is because Demand and Supply Minister Lekraj Butt, in his wisdom, declared that the prices could go up even further. So the gas dealers are hoarding what they have. The Ass' namesake, Comrade Butt, after saying no way he was going to roll back prices, has now been agreeing to one unworkable plan after another, like reinstituting the dual price for diesel which was scrapped recently precisely because it opened the floodgates for adulteration and black market. And, buckling under pressure from student unions belonging to his own party, the minister wants to give discounts to students to buy gas which is going to cost this bankrupt govt another Rs 4 billion a year. How is a government machinery that can't even collect taxes from supermarket chains like VAT-Bhateni going to ensure subsidised LPG for students without gas leaks?

It was going to happen sooner or later. Goons manning barricades during bands instead of stoning vehicles that dare defy their orders to be off the roads, have now started pocketing Rs 500 per taxi plying to and from the airport and waving them through. Which is why there were relatively fewer tod-fods on Wednesday. The laissez faire (translation: anything goes) economy is alive and kicking in this Maoist republic.

You'd think that by now our netas would have run out of excuses for a delayed constitution, but that would be unfair on their collective creative genius. The Kangresis blame the Baddies, the Baddies blame the Kangresis, the Eh-maleys blame both and vice versa. The Madhesis blame everyone else but themselves. But now Comrade Krishna "50 Karod" Mahara has come with his own theory: he blames the dreaded Foreign Hand for conspiring against a new constitution.

Comrade Awesome's foot-in-mouth syndrome seems to have suffered a relapse considering his recent utterances, the latest of which is this Freudian gaffe: "Why would I want to be executive president? I am already more powerful than the president." Lately he's got a bee in his bonnet about a conspiracy hatched in "Hotel Revisited" to prevent him from being the Execution President. Ex-PM MKN who became PKD's first guest at his new Winter Palace in Lazimpat, tried to calm him down by telling him he was at Caroline's too and there was no such conspiracy. But Comrade Napoleon is convinced the sheep are ganging up against him.

The countdown has started for the demise of the BRB govt, and the Kangresis are already licking their chops. Comrade Prime Minister has been spooked by Lotus Flower's latest utterances, and is openly consulting aides about PKD undermining him. BRB's suspicions were confirmed when Maoist youth dressed in 'Let Baburam Work' t-shirts were themselves showing him black flags. And in Palpa the other day, he noticed Awesome smiling slyly. But, for what it's worth, BRB is going nowhere just yet, and he is still trying to cobble together a govt of national unity under his own leadership. Which, considering the alternatives, may not be such a bad idea.

Policemen checking for drunk drivers at night are all falling sick. Police don't just have to endure bad breath as drivers do "Aahh", but are being infected with tonsilitis, respiratory tract inflammation, and even suspected tuberculosis.



1. Miss Golimar Kanchhi.
Foreign Hands !
 Foren haru ko aba Nepalma kam chhaina. norway ko mantri Solheim ghar pharke hunchha. Hands off.
Long live Comrade 50 Crores Mahara. ,for your indulgence. Calling a spade a spade. Norway kaharu ra Swiss haru nepalko rajanitibata alghunuparchha. hamro antaric mamilama bidesi chahidaina. khabardar HATJHIKA.


2. Lambodhar.
The best pin up of this week, C. Hisimaru and C. Awestruck.
 Who will decorate over the mother's grave;internally or exterior?


3. dravin
Rs. 4 billion a year? Is it a for real? So, what is the criteria to be eligible for the subsidy? I am very intrigued by this. Please ass, write some more in detail about it. Oh, yeah, and suggestion to our horrifically glorified Police department including Traffic police, who gave a valuable advice to jhakri BRB to bring down the buildings, to wear a underwear while in duty.


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LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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