15-21 July 2016 #817

WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE: A New Prime Minister

Ass
Diwakar Chettri


South Asia’s oldest nation state and newest ex-monarchy that scores consistently high marks in the Corruption Perception Index and Failed State Index requires a 24th Prime Minister in 26 years.  

This is yet another feather in the cap for a country that is always breaking World Records in the Guinness Book for categories including Kicking a Rubber Band with the Ankle Non-stop for 7 hr 56 min in the All-Nepal Free-Style Chungi Tournament, and for the first Dog to Climb Mt Everest Without the Aid of Artificial Oxygen. 

Be that as it may, and to cut a long story short, a Himalayan Democratic Federal Republic that has already ceased being democratic and may not remain federal or a republic for much longer either (going by remarks by Comrade Amrace in his Fifth Column this week) has an urgent vacancy for a vacuous new Prime Monster that can take office ASAP. And that means now, mister. 

Candidate should be a tall, bright, homely, fair-skinned vegetarian, DV-eligible teetotaller with elastic morals and expandable girth. Caste, age, disabilities, ethnicity, gender orientation, sexual preference, marital status if any, eating habits, incontinence and incompetence are no bar. 

Prospective Slime Minister should ideally have possession of at least one healthy kidney, and a functioning alimentary canal that can digest a 40% cut from each allocated government grant to community hospitals serving the rural poor. Should have experience serving as Prime Minister of this country in at least one previous tenure — candidates who have been prime minister at least three times would be preferred — during which time he/she/it should have paid lip-service to secularism, given a tongue-lashing to the monarchy, plundered the exchequer, delayed projects of national prestige for personal gain, sabotaged hydroelectric plants being built by rival contractors, taken cuts on irrigation projects that collapsed during their first test, and indulged in nepotism, communism, sadism, anachronism and general buffoonery.

The candidate should have shown a demonstrable ability to both kick and kiss ass, grease palms, partake of kickbacks, play footsie with tycoons, pay off the Corruption Watchdog, amass cash in the Cayman Islands through intermediaries named in the Panama Papers, embezzled an amount equivalent to and not exceeding Three Arabs meant for rehabilitating ex-guerrillas, and have had a sidekick who was once caught in flagrante in a telephone tap for accepting from the embassy of a certain country, which shall remain nameless but which begins with the initial ‘lr’, an amount in the vicinity of 50 Corrodes to buy off CA members.

Candidate should have passed at least Grade 8, and be able to provide continuity to the predecessor’s frequent flights of fancy to promise piped gas into every Nepali home, launch a thousand ships in the high seas flying the Nepali flag, harness energy from hot air emitted while shooting the breeze at cabinet meetings to power electric railways to crisscross the country and, last but not least, pledge to turn Nepal into Singapore or Bhutan (whichever comes first).

If you think you are made of prime ministerial material, and wish to apply for this post, download the application form at www.gone.gov and attach a zodiacal profile attested by a certified soothsayer, a full medical report that includes a brain scan to prove the existence of an empty skull, as well as a receipt showing a pre-paid amount to certain beneficiaries. 

QUALIFICATIONS:

20 years of experience in being sworn in multiple times as prime minister, ribbon-cutting, lamp-lighting, khada-draping, badge-wearing, bouquet-accepting, and speaking ad nauseous about any subject under the sun and/or moon.

Must have never completed previous terms, must have dissolved Parliament at least once and should have gheraoed the rostrum, raised slogans in Parliament, and thrown at least one chair at the opposition bench (or is it ‘thrown at least one bench at the opposition Chair?’). Either way, should have refused to hold local elections for 20 years.

Must have a long and distinguished career in the kleptocracy, with a Masters of Science in Wheeling-Dealing and a PhD in Horse-Trading and Arsing Around. 

As opposition leader should have amassed experience in locking down the nation for not less than 56 days in a year by using terror tactics like burning taxis with drivers still inside, and making an arson of himself. Applicant must list all in-laws and out-laws on standby to take up ministerial berths at short notice, and also declare all wives they are married to at this point in time.   

Prime Ministerial aspirant must be in possession of skeletons in advanced stages of decomposition in the closet, and a certificate (duly notarised by at least three referees who have been victims of his past extortion) attesting to candidate’s exceptional fundraising capabilities. 

Candidate must have clandestine links to organised crime, and be on a first-name basis with spooks and leaders abroad, to garner international solidarity for regime-tinkering at home. 

SALARY: 

Negotiable, but has in-built perks for side income from the Prime Minister’s Relief Fund in accordance with standard operating procedures and precedents set by previous prime ministers. 

FINE PRINT:

GONe is an equal opportunities employer. Women are encouraged to apply, but do so at their own peril. All asses must apply.

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