16-22 June 2017 #863

All in our stars

Ass
Diwakar Chettri


Unlike some other parts of this paper, we don’t make anything up on the last page. No siree, our news is fake so calling it ‘fake news’ would be on oxymoron (Latin: ‘oxy’ = bull; ‘moron’ = shit-ass). So, ipso facto, inter alia and inflagrante delicto: If fake news is already fake, then it would be logical to assume that the double negative means this column is actually totally factual. 

Jokes aside, the oldest rule in the world’s second-oldest profession is that we journos shouldn’t make anything up unless it is an emergency, in which case we qualify those sentences with the all-purpose adverb (or is it a gerund?) ‘allegedly’. Eg: ‘Newspapers allegedly tell the truth and nothing but the tooth, so help us God, in case you exist, but just as a precaution, even if you don’t.’ 

Unfortunately, the sad fact is that us presstitutes have been such compulsive liars throughout human history that even when we finally get around to telling it like it is and let the tortillas fall where they may, no one will believe us. Which is why The Ass found the page 1 news item in Thursday’s paper that Sub-Prime Minister Dubya IV is delaying moving to his official residence in Balu Water because he is still waiting for the Royal Asstrologer to give him an exact auspicious date and time, hard to believe. 

Like a lot of you loyal customers, I thought that item was fake news. But apparently it is deadly serious, Comrade Brave Lion has been advised by scientists at NASA (Nepal Academy of Science and Astrology) to wait until the Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars in the Age of Aquarius. 

“Since all the nine planets are in alignment with the Prime Minister’s constellation, it will be smooth sailing for him after these initial difficulties,” Astrologer General Angiras Neupane told a packed press conference. The fatal flaw in the National Soothsayer’s reading of the prime minister’s zodiac, however, is that astronomers have discovered that there is actually a tenth planet so the prediction may be somewhat off. In addition, Nepali students have just assembled Nepal’s first mini satellite to be put into orbit on an Indian rocket — which means there is yet another heavenly body besides Miss Nepal that astrologers will have to take into account in their calculations.

The news item also mentioned that the Asstrologer General is working with interior decorators at Singha Durbar to make sure that the Prime Minister’s spatial geometry is in harmony with the universe. But since Dubya is walking a tightrope balancing the geo-strategic interests of India and China, he is torn between using Vastu or Feng Shui, fearing one or the other neighbour will be ticked off. 

The Ass’ advice: Sit facing North when receiving visitors from China and hide under the table when receiving dignitaries from India.  

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