12-18 August 2016 #821

Amb-ass-adors at large

Ass
Just as your favourite neighbourhood Ass-trologer predicted in this space last week, the tug-o-war over ambassadorships has begun, as the new regime dumps a list drawn up by the old regime.

The UML’s appointees have all been scrapped, and we are now going to get a mish-mash of left-handed candidates. The Kangresis and the Baddies are dividing up the world into spheres of influence, with the Maoists gunning for posts in Germany, France and Denmark, while the Kangresis want London, Washington and New Delhi. The ones without political clout or are unable to afford the prepaid deposit will have to settle (sorry, lads) for Myanmar or Sri Lanka.

But, being a chronic optimist, the donkey always looks on the bright side: see how much money we have saved the national exchequer by keeping 16 of our embassies amb-ass-odourless for a year or more. It’s not without reason we call them ambassadors-at-large. Besides the monetary savings, potential gaffes and indiscretions of plenipotentiaries have also been obviated since our dips are historically prone to shoplifting, human trafficking, facilitating the informal trade in contraband items between Nepal and the country of their posting, and even trying to sell off historical embassy property in return for handsome rewards from the Mittals.

But even when the envoys are finally nominated, we could see a repeat of 2008 when the Maoists’ chosen Excellencies for Delhi and Paris (Comrade Partha and Comrade Pampha respectfully) were not accepted by host governments. Nominated by our Supremos, they never got their Agremos. At this rate, we’re not going to have new ambassadors any time soon, which is great news for the aforementioned exchequer because the country is going to save wads of dough.

The money saved can go to pay for the 41 officials who chaperoned seven Nepali athletes to Rio. If there is one Olympics Gold Medal that Nepal can win hands-down it will be in the athlete-to-hangers-on ratio, beating even some notoriously junketeering Olympic Committees of nations like Guinea Bissau and São Tomé and Principe. Oh, by the way, just so we have our geostrategic priorities right, do we have diplomatic relations with those two countries? If not, better tie the knot so we can share ideas on how to beat the international record on freeloading sports bureaucrats.

Speaking of sports, Baddie ministers don’t seem to be getting as much exercise as they used to during their underground years, as can be gleaned from their ample girths. Awesomeji’s tummy is now becoming hazardous to his health, and the entire politburo looks like it needs a workout. This is a matter of serious national concern.

It’s a pity he has decided not to partake of ribbon-cutting and badge-wearing ceremonies because that would have been good exercise. However, we are glad to see that The Fearsome One is off to a flying start to burn off kilo calories by doing a zumba-like folk dance on the occasion of International World’s Indigenous Peoples Day.

And if he keeps on having to carry 20kg of marigold garlands from party cadre, it may mean he will have lost enough weight in nine months to be finally fit for the job by the time he will have to step down from his job.

One thing we are no longer worried about is Prime Minister Comrade Terrifying being at a loss for words when he goes to the United Nations to deliver his address in English at the General Assembly next month. Given the number of dictionaries he has stacked up on his desk, and provided he uses his spare time in Baluwatar to memorise at least The Oxford Dictionary of English, his vocabulary will be so vast that the international community will finally be convinced that he has indeed made a smooth transition from bomb maker to bombastic speaker.

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