21-27 April 2017 #855

Headlines on deadline

Ass


However vigilant we are as journos there are some goings on in the domestic and international realm that inadvertently fall between the cracks. But as the progenitors of history in a hurry, it is incumbent upon us hacks not to let any item of nationalist interest fall by the wayside as we defend and safeguard the public’s right to say no. So, while trying not to pussyfoot, hem or haw, and without further ado in beating around the bush where a bird is not worth as much as the two in the hand, let me get straight to the main points of the news:

One Belt One Robe

After the photograph of PKD in PJs went viral on social media, the First Couple has confidentially told a press conference off the record what they were up to last month in the Honeymoon Suite of the Bow-Wow Asia Forum Hotel in Hainan. Apparently, President Xi had told Prime Minister Prachanda “Get on the Silk Road”, and PKD misheard: “Put on the silk robe.” Which is what he and Comrade Sita did as soon as they got back to their room.

Wee-wee Tweet

It is not only Donald Trump who tweets in the wee hours. Our very own Second Deputy Prime Minister and Homecoming Minister Bimalendra Needy got on Twitter at 2AM this week to cast doubts about local elections ever being held. The next day, after all hell broke loose, he quickly clarified that English is not his first language, and in any case he works day and night, and besides he’d had a couple.

Civil Servant Civil Disobedience

The Overall-Nepal Civil Servants Confederation has called a bund on Friday to protest the gubberment’s “unilateral and unjust” decision to cancel a previously scheduled holiday to celebrate the safe return of President Bhandari from her state visit to India. Civilian servants said they needed the day off to stay home and ponder the significance of the presidential trip to strengthen bilateral relations between the two neighbours, and to mull over whether or not President Bhandari was accorded due pomp and respect on arrival at IGIA.

“How can we analyse the accomplishment of the visit with a cool head if we have to work in the office?” asked one civilised servant rhetorically while staging a torch rally on his way home along a dark alley. “We demand our right to sit idly by during the President’s comings and goings.”

Meanwhile, the Office of the Astrologer General has announced a list of new holidays for the 2074 Lunatic Calendar, including for days with cosmic significance like the peak of the Leonid Shower this Sunday. Any unforeseen asteroid hitting the Earth will also be commemorated with a nationwide (if not planetwide) shutdown.

All Super Novae will be declared holidays retroactively since it would take two billion years for light from the Andromeda Galaxy to reach us. The activities of the sun and moon will be strictly monitored (since they appear on our national flag) so that any partial and/or total eclipses can be declared holidays.

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