16-22 December 2016 #837

New trafficking rules

Ass
Due to the amazing progress Nepal has made in the automobile industry by importing ever more cars even though there is no space left to drive them on, it is now possible to jet from Bhairawa to Kathmandu in 20 minutes and then spend the rest of the day getting into town from the airport. A traffic jam is a sure sign that a country’s macro-economic engine is in full swing and advancing at an astounding eight centimetres per hour on the Tukucha Bridge. 

The winter solstice is approaching and the days are getting shorter, which leaves us less time to get from Point A to Point B, and this means we must always have a Plan B. Forget amendments to the constitution, what we really need are amendments to traffic rules to shorten times for commutes. The ever vigilant Valley Traffic Police is therefore instituting these new rules with immediate effect: 

1. All sidewalks are hereby declared Motorcycles Only to make more space on the road for cars. In an emergency, motorcycles can also use the pedestrian overhead bridges, and drive on top of cars like in the movies, to get to their destinations. 

2. You may well ask, so where are the pedestrians supposed to walk? And that is a very good question. My advice would be for all would-be pedestrians to just stay indoors because you will just clog up the streets and slow down traffic.

3. Last week, after being stuck at Durbar Morgue for two hours because of a Vice-Presidential Motorcade, I finally figured out why he has two pickups full of heavily-armed commandos in front and behind his bombproof limo. It is to prevent angry commuters from tearing the Veep asunder. 

4. Cows, dogs, rhesus monkeys, uncastrated goats, zoo elephants, horse-drawn wedding carriages, water buffalos, chicken, and other wildlife can cross the road at their own convenience as long as they can satisfactorily explain to traffic police on duty when asked why it is that they want to get to the other side in the first place. 

5. Using a mobile while driving a motorcycle is not allowed, be smart and use a smartphone. 

6. A helmet is compulsory. But your wife squatting side-saddle behind you and your five-year-old sitting on the fuel tank don’t need helmets. 

7. A street centreline is just a suggestion, you may drive on the wrong side of the road at any time.

8. In the interest of road safety, seat-belts have been made mandatory at all times, even if your car hasn’t moved since approximately 9:30 yesterday morning. This is to restrain drivers who want to get out and strangle someone. 

9. Since passengers are going to be spending so much time in their cars, vehicles are required by law to be self-contained and retrofitted with the following accessories by January First: 

a. Toilet with shower 

b. Small restaurant and bar 

c. Gym with treadmill 

d. Broadband Internet connection 

e. Hypertension alarm to warn drivers if their blood pressure is hitting the roof in which case the car automatically turns into an ambulance with flashing lights and a siren which can rush to the nearest hospital and get there sometime in the course of the new year 

f. A fully-functioning barbershop with pedicure

g. For emergencies, all cars must have rocket-propelled ejection seats.

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