Two weeks into 2017 AD, and there are already indications that this year may be one in which 2017 BS repeats itself as a farce.
A fortnight is also enough time to evaluate the new year resolutions of December 31st which I have forgotten because I was pretty much plastered when I swore by them. There is a sneaking suspicion that I may not be speaking just for myself when I make a public confession that I have already resumed being my usual cantankerous and obnoxious self.
After tweaking some resolutions and consulting lawyers, I have modified them so that they will stand up in a court of law. Listed below are some new year resolutions and their perfectly legal interpretations (in brackets):
I will stop giving cash bribes.
(I will use the PayTM phone payment app)
I will cut down on carbs.
(I will cut the cake into smaller slices before eating it)
I will stop drinking and driving.
(Stopped driving, only drinking now.)
I will stop smoking cigarettes.
(I’ll stick to pot.)
I will save water.
(Haven’t flushed the toilet since New Year’s Eve.)
I will stop using bad words.
(WTF I’ll just use acronyms STFU, LMFAO)
The main drawback of new year resolutions, as I see it, is that they are not legally binding. There is nothing there in writing. And in the absence of a Letter of Intent that will stand up in the International Court of Arbitration, such resolutions are easily broken.
That is why I have hired the Bhattarai, Bhattarai & Bhattarai Law Firm to draw up a MoU with myself, and got the document duly notarised by the CDO, LDO and two witnesses who are senior civil servants in the Fed-up Democratic Republic of Nepal that puts me under a contractual obligation to abide by all previous new year resolutions. There are stiff penalties for breaking one or more of the terms and conditions hereunder:
MEMORANDUM OF MIS-UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN I, ME AND MYSELF
all Nepalis are entitled to earn karma points in their ongoing life so as to ensure reincarnation as higher primates (hereinafter referred to as “Monkeys”);
we consider that it is the interest of every citizen to enjoy the fundamental human right to inadvertently break some, if not all, resolutions thus made;
to get intoxicated during every annual traverse by Planet Earth in its trajectory around the Sun;
of making a perfect Ass (hereinafter referred to as “Donkey”) of myself at the slightest pretext;
in mind that similar resolutions undertaken during other new year parties (Bikram Sambat, Nepal Sambat, Tamu Losar, Sonam Losar, Sherpa Losar and the Inuit New Year);
that although there is a case to be made for a moratorium on said new year parties, and a cessation of hostilities for the time being;
that I can be made persona non grata;
I HAVE resolved with my unreformed self during the Gregorian New Year to carry out the following lifestyle changes:
I will get up every morning at 5:30AM, jog to Pashupati and be back in time for a breakfast of muesli, whole-wheat, and drink without prejudice a warm frothy health drink which used to be the favourite of a certain late ex-prime minister of a neighbouring country who shall remain nameless for the purpose of this document;
I will stop shooting the breeze (in more ways than one) unless ordered to do so subject to provisions of what is deemed in the national interest by a higher up authoritarian;
I shall not cast aspersions during the whole of 2017 about the female relatives of motorcyclists trying to overtake me from the left on the Pani Tanki uphill without prior express consent.
APPENDICITIS - A
A Court of Arbitration shall be established inter alia pursuant to the Preamble to resolve any disputes arising from non-implementation of any of the instruments in the above resolution, or if they are carried out in a manner not in consonance with the letter and spirit of this agreement.
APPENDICITIS - B
This agreement shall be deemed to be null and void if the contractual party and/or his boss decide to terminate this column in 2017 in the public interest.
High resolutions, Ass