Nepali Times
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Flags of our fathers

ASS


Now that the country is polarised between those who want to keep the current solar-lunar double triangle flag and those who want to throw it out with the bathwater, the Donkey has come up with a compromise formula that will reflect Nepal's ethnic and political diversity. The beauty of it is we can keep adding as many triangles to it as we want every time someone comes up with his own 34-point demand.

Ok, if you have something personal against triangles, then how about this one that symbolises our cutthroat national trait?

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The Ass has no quibbles about Ukrainian primordial minister Yulia Tymoshenko topping the list of hottest heads of state (http://hottestheadsofstate.wordpress.com) and Elvis-lookalike Jigme Jr of Bhutan making it to Numero Three. But what is puzzling is that the website doesn't make a distinction between heads of state and heads of government and has chosen to rank the First President of the Republic of Nepal at #128 below Man Mohan Singh (#85) and President Paul Kagame of Rwanda who looks like a Deux Chevaux after suffering a head-on with a 15-ton truck (at #119).

The only consolation for our young republic is that Ram the Baron is apparently handsomer than the Emir of Kuwait (#155) and Robert Mugabe (#168). For the record, President Nasheed of the Maldives, who has just emerged from an underwater cabinet meeting, beat President Obama by a nose to get to #14. If Awesome hadn't been so unceremoniously removed by a ceremonial prez, Nepal's prime minister would surely have made it to the Top Ten. And good thing Makunay wasn't in the fray otherwise we'd be somewhere next to Dear Leader Kim 'Bad Hair Day' Jong-Il.

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The reason for all the suffering we are going through today is solely because Girija just can't get around to forgiving anyone for thwarting his ambition to be the first president of Nepal. This is why he doesn't return the Baron's calls, and is consumed by revenge against all and sundry. Come to think of it, we should've just made him prez and gotten on with things. Things would be way better.

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This country's founding grandfather, King Prithvi, probably didn't realise he hit the nail on the head by describing Nepal's geopolitical predicament as that of a sweet potato squeezed between two boulders. At no time has this been as true as it is now with Asia's two giants getting ready to play kabbadi again. Poor little Nepal is once more feeling very yamlike. For a while it looked like we'd actually make something out of it, like in the Mahendra days, because no sooner had the Indian ambassador donated four karods to a monastery in Mustang, than the Chinese ambassador was off to Kakarbhitta to set up a Chinese Studies Centre. The fact that the Chinese poked a finger so close to India's Chicken Neck wasn't lost on the Delhi brass. Moral: you tickle our sensitive parts, we'll tickle yours.

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And that ain't all. There are Confucius Centres sprouting all over Nepal, and there are Peace Corps-type Chinese volunteers teaching Mandarin at nearly 200 schools across the country. Chinese-owned restaurants are mushrooming all over Nepal. The Ass finds nothing wrong with Nepalis learning to speak Mandarin and stuffing their faces with Peking Duck, but how come all these restaurant owners have blue-plated #11 cars?

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A mole just told the mule that the real reason Tuesday was declared a national holiday was because Com Yummy and her hangers-on at the Manka Khala blackmailed Makunay by threatening an Upatyaka Bund if he didn't agree to make Mha Puja a do-nothing day for all govt offices. MKN gave in 'coz Yummy had earlier threatened to go back to war for the umpteenth time if Nepal Sambat wasn't made a Rastra Sambat.

If the Maoists want a New Nepal why on earth would they want to hold a Dasain Tihar tea party like the bourgeois parties? Why can't they have a Mao Tai party and revolutionise these feudal events? Anyway, you must have heard that the reason Makunay didn't go to the Maoist tea party was because he was afraid the Baddies would show him black flags.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com



LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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