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BP Koirala fears that incarceration is making him lose touch with objective reality. For the first time, he admits in this diary written in English, that the horror of indefinite detention grips him with terror. Anything would be a distraction, and he yearns for the legal proceedings against him to start, even though he has no illusions of a fair trial.

5 April, 1977
Sundarijal


When GM was here I used to discuss all kinds of political thoughts that occurred to my mind-mostly about the political situation of Nepal as we see it from prison in total ignorance. My conjecture was as good as his, but since it was a question of measuring in darkness, two imeasurements are double as good as one. Now my ideas or measurements are bottled up inside me. Sometimes I am assailed with doubts about the correctness of our present line-GM used to be never in doubt that it was the only line we could take. Today, I am again assailed with doubt, there is no reason why I should have doubts like this about a line which had been considered thoroughly from all sides. The psychological softening, which the present solitary confinement provided, is obviously responsible for recurrence of doubts in my mind. Any mental conclusion or reaction reached or produced in the present extremely unnatural condition is bound to suffer from subjectivism. No objective assessment is possible in this state of mind. Moreover, I have no news of any kind-don't know what developments are taking place or what our people are thinking or doing. This total lack of information tells against any attempt at objective assessment. This solitary confinement is affecting my mind-softening it most likely. Sometimes the horror of indefinite detention grips me with terror. I know such fear, again is a psychological reaction of the present state of incarceration. I also know that they won't keep us like this for long. Still, I am sometimes gripped with horror. But in my case I have to live in solitary confinement for a few months more. There is no indication that the severe restriction imposed on us would be relaxed. I don't even hope that GM would be brought back to my camp now. How to manage to spend the time in this distressful condition? If I had books, they would have perhaps helped-perhaps. I remembered Madalasa who told me last time that I should take such opportunity of solitude to contemplate Infinity. Loneliness and solitude are perhaps two things or the same thing looked at from two psychological divergent points. What I am suffering from is loneliness-utter loneliness-loneliness which is horrifying. I should have practiced some yoga which would have perhaps helped me, quickening my mind. I took ? tablet of valium as a chemical substitute for yoga-to calm my agitated mind.

6 April
Sundarijal


When on 25 March Asst Anchaladhish with a team of officers and clerks had come to take our statement, I had expected that after all the train had moved and that legal process had started. They made their appearance after 3 months, and now again they seem to have gone to sleep. It is already 12 days and nothing happens. Granted that the king was away for a month on a visit of India and nothing happens without his personal order, but it is already five days that he is back here. If only they take us to the court or do something about us, decide one way or other, there would be some psychological relief from this boredom, this loneliness, this stagnant existence, this total preoccupation with one's own psychological moments alone-all this will be lifted even if the legal process is started. I say legal process for the convenience of expression. The directive whatever it is likely to be has to be taken by the king, hence the legal process is only a formal show-but still there will be goings on, our movement from the prison to the court (which I expect would sit here in the prison.) some new faces seen, some arguments and counter-arguments etc, etc-all this will be at least a small pebble thrown into the still scum-covered water of my present existence. There will be an element of fight also, for which I am itching-a legal fight before a bogus court, but I will give it in my own way-state my case, knowing fully well that I would be addressing a deaf judge, and therefore knowing that my pleadings wouldn't make any difference in the judgement he has to give in any case. Therefore when 14 days ago, the officers came, I brightened up. The Asst Anchaladhish has even assured me GM wouldn't be kept separate from me for long, a day or week or so, no more. Perhaps the Anchaladhish himself doesn't know anything about us or what orders he will have to execute next. In his judgement he thought that we won't be kept separated beyond a week.

The pages of my diary are full of my mental agonies, even torture; and I give the impression of having been considerably weakened. The psychological condition is exactly so, but I haven't weakened in the practical sense in the least. When my politics arises, or my political conviction and ideals are affected, I bristle up, ready for a fight.
Saw Madalasa in the early morning dream, soft, loving and exceedingly charming.

Inscribed under Sushila's photo the immortal line of Keats: "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." This picture of hers gives me joy and morale whenever I look at it. It is a great pity that I didn't bring a bigger picture of hers to paste it prominently on the wall of my room.



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