2-8 June 2017 #861

Seeking assylum in Nepal

Ass
Several valued customers have taken me aside during Happy Hour in the past week to ask if the second phase of election will take place as scheduled. To which my answer was (as it has always been when you pose the donkey a hypodermic question): “How should I know? I’m an Ass, not an Asstrologer.”

Be that as it may, notwith-standing the foregoing, and nonetheless in possession of the wherewithal to find my whereabouts because that is neither here nor there, congratulations are in order to Lion King for slyly becoming Primordial Minister for the fourth time, and counting. 

In other countries, old prime ministers just die or fade away. Remember John Major? Where is he now? Don’t remember reading his obit. Tony Blair hasn’t been seen or heard from in ages. Where is Junichir? Koizumi these days?

Here in Nepal, because we believe in rebirth and the transmigration of the soul, prime ministers just keep getting reincarnated over and over. In his previous life, the Brave Loin was a royal lapdog, and before that he was a hyena with a toothache. Dubya has to be prime minister just one more time after this to be included in the Balu Water Hall of Fame. The last time he was PM, Nepal was still a monarchy and there was no Facebook.

But the problem for Comrade Brave Loin is that the Take-care Prime Minister doesn’t seem to want to step down just yet even though it has been a week since he resigned. That is because the Kangresis are taking forever to cobble together a dumbo cabinet.

“No hurry, take your time,” Lotus Flower was overheard telling Brave Loin the other day. “I need a few more weeks to list all my considerable achievements of the past nine months in office.”

Which are, to wit:

1. Making First Dotter Renu Bharatpur Mayor by hook or by crook. Mostly by crook.

2. Banning horning. 

3. Erasing all zebra crossings and then fining gay walkers. 

4. Ensuring the South-west Monsoon arrived one month ahead of schedule this year. Who cares if the rain fails now, I won’t be prime minister any longer.

5. Inaugurating 2 art exhibitions, 1 album launch, and cut the ribbon in 3 handicraft fairs in 10 months -- more than any previous PM.

6. Patching one irritating pothole at Bhatbhateni intersection.

7. Ensuring 24-hour electricity so you people can henceforth install hooks to steal power at any time of day or night.

8. Signing agreement with Jina. 

9. Making Injuns mad as hell.  

10. Respecting the gentleman’s agreement to step down. (Compared to Trump even I look good.) 

11. Allowing the Ass to write what he likes. Stopping Assange from seeking assylum in Nepal.

12. Taking the trouble to count my achievements, and publishing this list.

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