13-19 October 2017 #879

Sons of bitches

Ass


It’s that time of year again, and as we involuntarily get the urge to raise our hind-legs when passing a telephone pole, we are reminded that it is time for another annual column on Catmando’s canines.

The election season in Nepal this year conveniently coincides with the end of the rains, and the start of the rutting period for dogs. All along the red-light districts these days we see strays from all walks of life taking part in x-rated doggie style xtracurricular activities in broad daylight hours. And at night the yelping and yowling means ‘tis the season to be jolly for our four-legged friends, who are working hard to faithfully implement the commandment from Genesis 9:7 (King James version) : ‘And you, be ye fruitful; populate the Earth abundantly, and multiply therein.’

The dogs are also gearing up for Kukur Puja, which this year falls on 18 October, the day when dogs can play god. Every year, this is what gets the Ass’ goat: how come Fido here is deemed worthy of worship, and not us donkeys? Crows are divine, but not vultures? Who made these rules? And how come it only rains cats and dogs, but not gnus and donkeys? I hereby, henceforth and hereinafter propose a more inclusive Tihar under the new Constitution whereby the canine elite doesn’t monopolise the right to be man’s best friend forever. This year let’s also celebrate Ass Tihar and feed donkeys treats.

Kathmandu Valley’s dog population has already exceeded the carrying capacity of our garbage dumps, and there is an urgent need to snip them hounds. In fact, it would not be an exaggeration to say that given the wild and carefree manner in which mutts are shagging, Nepal is sitting on top of a ticking volcano. The by-products of these interlocutions will be evident several months hence (at about the time when the new Parliament sits) when the streets near the august House will be crawling with sons of bitches.

And at this rate, there will be more man’s best friends in Kathmandu than man himself, or herself. The question is, what is the new mayor doing about it besides letting sleeping dogs lie?

His first order of business is to do something about dog do-do. Now that the capital is open-defecation free for humans, when is the rule going to apply to dogs? One can’t have one law for people and another for pooches. Given doggie demographics, when these baby boomers reach adulthood, how is the Metropolitan City going to ensure that there is enough garbage to feed the goddam dogs?

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