No political discussion in Nepal these days is complete unless you have uttered the ‘F’ word. When the talk around the family dining table turns to constitution-writing, as it often does, minors have to be sent to bed early because their parents punctuate their sentences with ‘WTF’ (What the Federofornification!) In fact, not a second goes by without someone somewhere between Mechi and Mahakali arguing about the prose or corns of federalissimo.
As far as the Weekly Ass is concerned, federalism is a no brainer. It doesn’t have to be complicated at all, and here to assist with the debate in Parliament in the coming week we propose various workable models for a fast-tracked Federal Express:
0 Province Model
The most egalitarian formula for federalism that doesn’t have federal boundaries, and therefore nothing to fight about.
3 Province Model
If the four main parties cannot come up with a formula for federalism, they should simply carve Nepal up into three slices, and we could annex a bit of Kumaon with all the holy sites which used to be a part of Nepal, and declare that an Erstwhile Hindu Kingdom of Nepal.
18 Province Model
While the aforementioned 3 Province Model is a great idea if I may say so myself, it is unworkable because each party has factions and sub-factions. The 18-state model will accommodate all splinter groups.
22 Province Model
Since federal provinces aligned North-South are anathema to the Madhesi parties. How about slicing Nepal horizontally into 22 states with equal area? Chairman Awesome can be Chief Minister of Prachanda Pranta which will be 1,00km long and 5 km wide.
123 Province Model
All ethnic groups and castes in Nepal will have their own states, and to avoid future conflict we have to set aside separate provinces for Atheists, Agnostics and Vegans.
3,948 Province Model
Of all the proposed federalism models, this one is the most practical. Take existing VDCs and turn them into provinces. To make them easy to administer and to avoid disputes, the provinces will not have names but area codes.
Secularism, federalism and rheumatism, Ass