Earthquke Preparedness

22-28 August 2014 #721

Wanted: Prime Minister (1)

Ass
A landlocked supercalifederalistic Himalayan republic of 56,000 sq miles that is upwardly mobile, will be attaining middle-income status by 2022, and is located in yam-like fashion between two boulders, has an urgent vacancy for a tall, bright, homely, convent-educated teetotaler, fair-skinned vegetarian, DV-eligible Prime Minister to replace an ailing incumbent who is getting a bit long in the tooth.

Caste, age, disabilities, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, marital status, eating habits, incontinence and incompetence no bar. Prospective candidate should ideally be 80 years or older and have served multiple previous tenures as Primate Minister wherein they should have paid ample lip-service to democracy and plundered the exchequer, sabotaged hydroelectric plants being built by rival contractors, taken cuts on irrigation projects that were never built, indulged in nepotism, communism, sadism, wanton arsonism and buffoonery.

Experience Required: 

** Should have amassed at least 10 years experience in ribbon-cutting, lamp-lighting, khada-draping, badge-wearing, bouquet-accepting, speech-giving, with flair, aplomb and a certain panache. 

** Must have dissolved parliament, refused to extend the tenure of local bodies, and not held successive VDC, DDC and STD elections for 17 years.   ** Must have a long and distinguished career in the kleptocracy, with a Masters in Horse-trading and a PhD in Sycophancy. 

** Candidate should also have a demonstrated ability to bring the Constituent Assembly to a standstill for weeks at a stretch if certain frivolous demands are not met, in shutting down the whole country and parts thereof for a cumulative period of 36 days in any given year since 1990 while serving in the opposition.   ** Candidate should be of sound mind and body, be in possession of all his/her/its faculties and have at least one wife.

** Should have amassed a war chest of ill-gotten wealth to an amount not exceeding Rs 500 million, must have partaken of kickbacks in at least one airport deal, cleaned out the budget for the Youth Self-Employment Scheme during previous tenure, have a proven knack for pre-paid appointments to NAC, NOC and NEA. 

** Applicant must have in-laws and out-laws on standby to take up ministerial berths at short notice. 

** Prime Minister aspirant must be in possession of a certificate (duly notarised by at least three referees who are victims of extortion and captains of industry) attesting to candidate’s exceptional fundraising capabilities. 

** Candidate must have clandestine links to organised crime and confidence to hob-nob with dons and protect criminals who can provide muscle when street politics so demands.   ** Must have a collection of well-preserved skeletons in one’s Cabinet.

** Must have had at least one double-kidney transplant, have a medical certificate to prove vitamin D deficiency, or a terminal malady. 

Duties Include: 

** Cutting ribbons, lighting lamps, draping khadas, pinning badges, accepting and offering bouquets of imported gladioli.

** Must be able to speak ad nauseum on any subject under the sun and/or moon.

** Have patience to take own sweet time to appoint 26 extra CA members and operate in accordance to the motto: “What, me hurry?”

** Be able to resist pressure to urgently appoint envoys in countries with vacant ambassadorships for three years or more in order to save the country money.

** Build personal rapport with abroad leaders to garner international solidarity for regime tinkering at home.

** Amass frequent flier miles by accepting all junkets great and small by travelling First Class with jumbo entourage in all operators except the national airline.

** Take part in prize-giving ceremonies following martial art contests organised by party’s youth wing.

** Have a proven ability to fall asleep during above proceedings and remain fully unconscious during Cabinet Meetings in order to deny knowledge of any controversial decisions.   

SALARY:

Negotiable but has in-built perks, side income in accordance with standard operational procedure, medical and medevac allowance for international treatment even in retirement, and adequate opportunities for candidate’s poverty-alleviation. 

Apply with astrological profile and poster-size full body photograph showing abdominal contours at Balu Water Main Gate. Mark envelope: ‘Has-been Wannabe’. 

FINE PRINT:

GON is an equal opportunities employer. Although women are encouraged to apply, they will do so at their own peril. Asses are required to apply.

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