7 ways to save Nepal

The Ukraine War has sent the price of fuel soaring, forcing Nepalis to play Russian roulette at the petrol pumps. Inflation has hit the roof, and the country is going belly-up.

The Ass feels it is its duty to come to the rescue with innovative suggestions to narrow Nepal’s trade gap. (You can thank me later.)

1. Legalise gold smuggling. Nepal’s economy has been forever dependent on importing gold and sneaking it into India for a hefty profit. The grovelment foolishly banned this thriving trade. Allowing gold re-export would help pay for our burgeoning imports.

2. Sadly, Nepal has turned from a rice exporter to nett importer. This is unsustainable. Nepalis need to switch from rice to eating Made in Nepal WiFi Instant Noodles, and this would save us precious foreign exchange.

3. The price of petrol is now so high that it is cheaper to use the friendly neighbourhood liquor store as a gas station, and fill up the car tank with Euro 5 high octane Vodka.

4. Nepal’s rivers run low during pre-monsoon months, reducing electricity generation at peak hour. We have to import electricity from India to meet the shortfall, widening our trade deficit even more. What to do? How about if all of Nepal’s 30 million people emptied their bladders on the banks of our rivers, thus augmenting the dry season flow of the rivers, and increasing electricity output. My back of the envelope calculation shows that if an average human passes 10 litres of urine daily, this would mean an extra 300 million litres flowing down our rivers. Enlisting the support of patriotic water buffalos, cows and goats would double the average flow of the Kosi River, for instance, to 5,000 cubic metres per second, thus increasing installed capacity of hydro plants so that we do not have to import electricity from India, and save precious ₹ ₹.

5. Remove the price parity between diesel and kerosene to resume fuel adulteration. This would reduce Nepal’s diesel import, and save us wads of cash.

6. Petrol is more expensive in India than in Nepal, and this opens up new avenues for the country to reduce the country’s trade gap. If Nepal imported more fuel from India, we could smuggle more of it back across the border and help narrow the balance of payments deficit.

7. Bihar is dry, and Nepal’s economy is now self-sufficient in alcohol production. Exporting surplus liquor can save the country from bankruptcy. The way to do it is to extend the Raxaul-Amlekhganj petroleum pipeline to Kathmandu for the exchange of bodily fluids between the two countries. Use the same pipeline that pumps petrol to Nepal in daytime to export bootleg moonshine to India at night, and earn hard currency. We don’t even have to pump it, just let gravity do the trick.