Another Ballantine’s

Come to think of it, it was quite a masterstroke that the Baddies launched their armed struggle in 1996 just a day before Valentine’s Day. They drove home the message: ‘Make love … and war’. And even: ‘All is fair in love and war.’

Because of this glorious revolutionary history, Valentine’s Day is now affixed on the Nepali calendar as yet another of the thousands of festivals and carnivore carnivals that this country celebrates every year, also ceremonially inducting St Valentine into the Hindu pantheon of 33 million gods. This year, we will mark International Day of Lust with the same oomph and pomp that we reserve for other festivals – by going bar hopping in Jhamel.

(This week’s Backside column is proudly sponsored by a liquor category which has recruited yours truly Brand Amb-ass-ador because the grabberment has decided not to allow alcohol advertising in print media anymore. Statutory Health Warning: reading this column out loud while under the influence may be illegal in some provinces. Hic.)

Ballantine’s Day is a timely reminder to Nepalis of this country’s abiding obsession with sowing wild oats, and tolerance of every possible carnal permutation and combination thereof. Our ancestors, without whose seminal contribution we would not be here to pen these lines today, left ample evidence of their fertile imaginations on x-rated temples as proof of the outstanding and upright people we once were.

Which is why it is a serious lapse for Nepal not to cash in on the exotica and erotica depicted on monuments and other erections in our midst to promote tourism. Nepal Tourism Year 2020 was a flop because of the pandemic, but we could still meet the target of 2 million visitors in 2023 if we promoted sex tourism. Not like the Thais do it, of course, but by highlighting all the hanky panky painstakingly portrayed by our forebears on temple struts as a labour of love.

This Ballantine’s Day on Monday let us honour far-sighted Tan-trick masters of yore who were not bashful about putting up 3-D porn on their sites. They didn’t hem and haw when it came to depicting the birds and bees, they went hee-haw. They didn’t waste time beating about the bush, they were in flagrante delicto.

And all this can be seen in the ornithological and apiarian depictions on the exterior roof struts of the Valley’s three Darbar Squares. Tourists should be told that a pair of powerful binoculars is all they need to unlock the secrets of Nepal’s holy edifices (From Sanskrit: ‘edi’ = dirty, and ‘fices’ = stuff).

Recent census results show a worrying decline in the number of Nepalis, which is why encouraging copulation is a way to multiply the population. And it is good to see that the Baddies still have a love-hate relationship with their promiscuous coalition partners, and all this pre-election political knoodling is a start.