Classified Top Secret

Now that it looks like war is imminent between the United States and Nepal, it is important for our armed forces to be on high alert. There is a limit to what we brave Gorkhalis can tolerate from the firanghi who once fled with their tails between their legs from Teesta in the east to Kangra in the West. Remember how Tenzing the Great had to literally drag Ed Hillary to the top of Sagarmatha in 1953, and that Lord Buddha was born in Nepal.

First, President Trump asked his foreign policy adviser to point out Nipple to him on a map. Then, to add insult to injury, he pronounced this week that Nipple and Bottom belonged to the Indians. This is worse than calling our president Pochahontas.

We have it on good authoritarians that the Security Committee is meeting at the PMO as we speak to review a set of calibrated responses ranging from firing off another missive in support of the Venezuelan president, to giving Nicolas Maduro political asylum in Nepal.

As an unofficial security consultant, the Ass offers Nepal other military options on condition that readers don’t go blurting them out to suspicious looking foreigners, especially those who look like they may be from the Centrist Intellectual Agency. To ensure this sensitive information does not get into the wrong hands, readers are also advised to tear up this page after memorising every word, and swallow it.

For Your Eyes Only:

Nepal’s location will continue to be a closely-guarded secret. The American Commander-in-Chief doesn’t know where Nepal is, let’s try to keep it that way.

The Cyber Warfare Unit of the ex-Royal Nepal Army will infiltrate the Net and change all Wikipedia entries to ‘The Federal Republicans of Nipple’ and inflate the country’s land area and population.

Our northern border is protected by high mountains, but our open border to the south is easy to penetrate which is why we need to make an East-West Moat.

The Nepal Academy of Science & Technology (NASTY) should immediately begin plutonium enrichment at its centrifuges in Khumaltar. Experience from North Korea and Iran have shown that is the only way to force the international community to take us more seriously. l Keep Nepal’s strategic highways in a permanent state of disrepair so that enemy APCs will not be able to negotiate the potholes during a land invasion.

Nepal’s landmass is under constant surveillance from spy satellites, so Kathmandu should increase its smog pollution so we are invisible from space. VIPs should be careful about basking in the sun, but if they do, should wear Groucho moustaches to disguise themselves.

The Cabinet Room should be regularly swept for hidden microphones, and ministers should refrain from discussing state secrets with their wives since there may be bed bugs.

By now we have amply demonstrated that this country is ungovernable. And that is the greatest deterrent of all, why would anyone in his right mind even want to take us over?