Gravity, and all that rubbish

The most trending topic from Nepal on social media this week was not (as many of you might have erroneously contemplated) the breaking news from the Prime Minister’s Orifice that gravitation was discovered by Sri Bhaskar Acharya and not by Sir Issac Newton.

This extraordinary revelation turns western gastronomy on its head, forcing us to re-examine the 3 laws Newton postulated after seeing an Apple Macbook fall from a tree, and rewrite them thus:

First Law of Thermodynamics: A body at rest in the Kathmadu Mayor’s office will continue to be at rest even if rudely awoken by a physical force acting upon it like, for instance, a boot hitting the concerned authority’s butt.

Second Law of Thermodynamics: Because energy cannot be created or destroyed in an isolated system, power cuts are inevitable for the unforeseeable future.

Third Law of Thermodynamics: When one boulder exerts pressure on a yam, the second boulder simultaneously exerts counter pressure with a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction so that the aforementioned yam is completely squished.

Be that as it may, the real breaking news was, as The Economist reported this week, that Mt Everest is the world’s highest pile of shit. Firanghi correspondents just don’t get it, and what the reporter failed to mention was that since Mt Everest is being weathered by wind and precipitation, it is incumbent on the Gobarment of Nepal to ensure that it remains the paramount mountain on Earth. It is a matter of pride and nationalism for us Nepalis that we use all tools at our disposal to not just maintain the summit at 8848m, but even add a few more metres if we can.

But Mt Everest is melting because of global warming, and this means all the frozen turd left on the mountain by daring alpinists since Sir George Mallory is beginning to thaw out. This is a national emergency and calls for immediate action. Instead of taking excreta down, it’s a much better idea to make every climber take a mandatory dump on top. Expeditions must also carry poo up from lower camps, so that the peak remains highest in the world.

Our target should be to raise Mt Everest to at least 9,000m this fiscal year, and for that it must be made compulsory for all expeditions to leave their trash on top as well. Any climber bringing rubbish down will be fined, and be asked to go back up and leave the garbage on the summit.

This way, we in Nepal can turn our attention to more pressing matters like determining conclusively who discovered gravity.