License to analyse

As a newspaper of record it is our job here to report on the ongoing party conventions by sticking to the factions — and not allow facts to get in the way of our anal-ysis.

We journalists swear by our sacred code of conduct: “@#$%&#!” We believe that at the end of the day, the ugly truth will prevail no matter what, and we have to let the potato chips fall where they may.

We take our adversarial role very seriously to comfort the afflicted and afflict the uncomfortable, hold government to account, and publish all the hearsay, no matter how trivial. We will print handouts in exchange for handouts. But that does not mean that we just take the money and run, we keep our end of the bargain. We will not think twice about saying what a great guy the Prime Minister is. We will think only once.

Luckily, Nepal’s Constitution gives us complete freedom not just to kick ass, but also to kiss ass, as well as lick ass. That is why our media is the envy of other countries in the region. But we must not rest on our laurels. Nepal’s journalists must strive to be self-reliant, self-righteous, and self-censor. The Ministry of Disinformation and Sycophancy henceforth requires all those desirous of pursuing a journalism career to pass a license test to practice the profession. You have 1 hour to complete this exam. Good luck.

Read also: Open Defection-free Zone, Ass