Nepal’s horrorscope

It is only when a people start worrying about their future that they strive for betterment. Contrary to what many negativists think, Nepal does have a future. We just don't know what kind of future it is.

And that is where asstrologers come in: to provide an essential service by divining what the coming years may hold so that Nepal’s politicians can peer into the future and get history to repeat itself.

In being able to prophesy the future, we lag behind our neighbours India (the world’s leader in fortune-telling) and China (the global fortune-cookie superpower). It is in Nepal’s geo-strategic interest to be able to predict what will happen the day after tomorrow, or to be more specific, on 20 November.

After all, Prime Minister Deuba pushed the election date by two days not at the request of the Election Commission, but on advice from Asstrologer General Suresh Rijal. That is the same soothsayer who told Brave Lion he will be prime minister seven times. Two more to go.

Nations, too, have horoscopes. And in these uncertain times it is good to know what is pre-ordained, so that we can all sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that what will be, will be, and there is nothing we can do about it. Nepal’s horoscope is Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information, and we reprint it below in the strictest confidence:

‘With the Moon in the Seventh House, Jupiter aligned with Mars, and the current Libra-Aries opposition identical to the placement of those constellations during the Peloponnesian War of 431 BC when the plague struck Athens and the Third Punic War when Rome sacked and sowed Carthage with salt, war and pestilence are probable. Luckily, a Neptune-Uranus conjunction on 20 November means that nothing can go wrong, because nothing is going on.’

When politics get uncertain, Nepal’s leaders have often relied on Indian goodmen like Co-Pilot Baba and Shree 3 Ravi Shankar to safeguard their future. Not surprisingly, it is the atheist Communist parties who mostly rely on these consultants to appease the planets.

Maobuddy leader Comrade Awesome often ODs on the opiate of the asses: worshipping water buffaloes, sacrificing black goats, and engaging the services of Tantric voodoo consultants to cast spells on rivals.

All the nine planets are in alignment with PKD’s constellation, so it will be smooth sailing for him after the elections. However, the James Webb Space Telescope has found another solar system 300 light years away, so those new planets may throw the predictions off.

In no way is Nepal a failed state, we are a fatalist state. This is why Kathmandu is the venue for the Asian Astrologers’ Convention, even though they are waiting for the planets to align for the date and time to be set. Those planning a government reshuffle, elections, or stage a coup d’etat should book seats in advance.

The conference will determine whether Nepal’s leaders should adopt Vastu or Feng Shui when greeting Indian or Chinese leaders. Ass’s advice: face north while meeting the Chinese, and hide under the table when the Indians come.