Taxman cometh

Comrade Janardan announced a hefty increase in all kinds of taxes in his budget speech to Parliament. The grabberment cannot function without revenue, and it is good to see that it is putting our hard-earned moolah to good use by introducing new taxes. That is what we pay them for.

The few Nepalis who still have disposable income will therefore not have to sit around unproductively on their non-performing asses anymore.

But, fellow Romans, this is not the time to hee and haw. As we all know, the early bird gets to kill two others with one stone, which I might add, are worth more than the one in the bush that has got the worm. It is therefore time for every Nepali of taxable age to ask himself, herself and itself some wrenching questions: Is the government doing enough to enlarge the tax bracket and widen the tax net?

My personal feeling (and this is entirely my opinion and does not in any way reflect the opinions, if any, of my present employers, or of those I have worked for in the past, and may work for in the future) is that it is not.

The government is not doing enough. It is being complacent by evading raising taxes. The Ministry of Finance Pvt Ltd must get serious about more taxes otherwise it is never going to meet the Five-Year Plan target for extravagance, waste and corruptitude.

The Department of Taxonomy must ensure that only two things are certain in life: death and taxes. In the national interest it is my duty to privately leak to you the salient points of how they are going to go about doing that:

Torture. Since the Maoists were in the habit of breaking skulls and bones when they ran an underground economy and they are now in the governing coalition, Comrade Jan must revive those time-tested extortion skills. This particular technique involves physical contact at the sub-cuticular level between the taxman and the fingernails of the payee. 100% guarantee or your money back.

Graft Tax. The government has also come up with a cunning plan to tax corruption with 13% VAT, 2% Service Charge and 4% National Corruption Surcharge on every kickback and bribe given or received within Nepal’s territorial jurisdiction.

Capital Flight Levy. No, this does not mean we have to line up to pay airport tax again. This is a 50% tariff on all cash being smuggled inside the false bottoms of outbound passengers.

Adulteration Tax. This is a levy collected by Nepal Oil Corruption at all gas stations mixing homemade liquor in the petrol. Since petrol now costs Rs180 per litre, the government should logically get its share of the loot with this new Adultery Tax.

Sunshine Tax. The government has decided to introduce a syntax on sunshine at a flat rate of Rs100 per head per hour for civil servants sunning themselves in the terrace. A Lunar Tax will also be introduced for moonlighters.

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