Twerking at Tij

Despite where the Gender Inequality Index may rank Nepal, this country is taking rapid strides to achieve equality among men, women, and others.

No sooner had we marked Guy Jatra, a day dedicated to they/them/theirs, than Nepalis are busy preparing to go overbored to mark Tij, a festival dedicated to those of the female persuasion no matter which personal or collective pronoun they use to identify themselves, and when.

Women from all walks of life will walk the talk on Tuesday by undertaking 24-hour relay hunger strikes at major city intersections to wish their present or future hubbies health, wealth and tickets to stand in the forthcoming federal and provincial elections.

This just goes to prove that femaledom in this country is now 100% emancipated, and we are far ahead of even Scandinavian countries. Whereas Finland is about to ditch a prime minister just because she was caught inflagrante dancing  at a party, Nepali women are twerking left right and centre on TikTok to demonstrate that, as far as they are concerned, there are no if’s and butt’s when it comes to the fair sex.

Tij is a celebration of women’s empowerment. Female members of the species are essentially saying that they command so much control over their male counterparts that they have their respective husbands by their gonads, and can make or break their destiny at the drop of a hat.

Let say, for sake of argument, that a wife refuses to undertake a Tij fast for the material wellbeing and longevity of her spouse. The guy is done for. He is screwed. By not fasting, Mrs Wife has put such a voodoo spell that Mr Hubby Boy will likely lose his entire life saving in a Ponzo scheme, and he is sure to catch dengue on the weekend. In no other country, not even Finland, do women hold so much power over their menfolk as they do here in Nepal.

Whereas Guy Jatra was a festival when some of us macho men got temporary license to make complete he-asses of ourselves by behaving like we always do on any other day of the year, Tij is a festival where women can get their annual chance to amass even more power just by bingeing and then not eating for a day.

So, this Tij women will go on hunger strike as they have for millennia so that their husbands will be forever indebted to them. And those women who, for whatever technical reason, do not wish their current spouses to live to be 100, can easily stop at the Himalaya Bhojanalaya (free basement parking available) and gorge themselves on buff momos.

What all this means is that being total dorks anyway, men will be left further and further behind in terms of their status in society. But what is going to happen to broad-minded men who are holding up half the sky? (Ok, ok one-third.) Us he-asses will be left high and dry and out in the wilderness.

Should we guys be getting worried? You bet. And what should we gentlemen be doing about it? Here, Mao Zedong’s dictum comes handy (and I paraphrase): “Offensiveness is the best form of defence.” Which means us comrades have to behave even more like jerks than we already do. We will protect the bastions of our manhood from female encroachment till the last hombre is left standing.

So, let this be a warning: we are not going to sit idly by while women outscore us in Lok Sewa Exams, and take away our jobs. This Tij, we will launch a counter-offensive by being even better househusbands than our housewives.