Unfair sex

Speech delivered by the Director General of the Department of Women, Children, Labour, Home Affairs and Animal Husbandry on the occasion of the Day of International Women. (Please check against delivery.)

“Madam Chair, Respected Futons, Distinguished Desks, Honorable Sofas, Ladies and, last and also the least, you gentlemen at the back talking loudly in your mobiles who are an utter disgrace to manhood.

Now that I have your undivided attention, allow me to begin my lip-service. As far as this Grumblement is concerned, and if it was up to us, we’d declare all 365 days in the year as International Days About Women.

I think I speak for a majority of my all-male colleagues here on the dais when I say that we would not be doing justice to members of the female species if we celebrated today only once a year.

This is why we propose that henceforth every day be devoted to women except April First, which as a token gesture, has already been set aside by the United Nations as the International Day for Men. Going by your tumultuous applause, I hereby declare that motion passed.

There is now a consensus in the scientific community that women hold up only half the sky. In fact, if it wasn’t for us men holding up the other half, the sky as we know it, would fall. We must grudgingly admit that Nepalese women have taken great strides. Admittedly, these strides have not been as great as the strides we menfolk have taken but, hey, we’re not here to gloat.

For example, us men have amassed a lot of experience in vitally important activities such as mansplaining, and making hilarious sounds by cupping our palms under our armpits. Allow me to demonstrate.

Now, show me one woman who can do that. The fairer sex has a lot of catching up to do to be at par with us of the unfair sex who are governed by the left hemispheres of our brains (unlike women who are governed by the western hemisphere).

Men have had a headstart in the race to makes asses of ourselves. Women, therefore, are lagging behind, but given perseverance, commitment and determinism they can be as (if not more) idiosyncratic as us. You will just have to try harder.

Ever since cave men chewed mastodon innards with their mouths open, right down to the modern industrial age where men still haven’t learnt to stow toilet seats in an upright position during takeoffs and landings, us boys have been rightly called the stronger sex.

Some men may have their egos dented when they see women overtaking them in this march towards mediocrity, but there is nothing to fear. Both sexes now have equal rights to make oxymorons of themselves.

After all, GONe is an Equal Opportunity Employer.”