Guy Jatra

To commemorate the International Day of the Cow on 16 August, the Ass brings you this unabridged answer to an English school exam essay by a Grade 10 student that got the highest marks for originality, creativity and grammar:

Q: Write an essay on a domestic animal that you like the most (50 marks)

A. The international animal I like mostly is Kangaroo. But the domestic animal I like most is our she-cow. There are many holy cows in Nepal. One of them is our Armed Forces. The other is lying dead at Balkhu Bridge because it ate 350 plastic bags.

This female cow is a mammal and is full of many uses for man throughout our ancient history. A cow is giving curd for eating, and turd for burning. Everything cow does is useful: cow urine is healthy drink for some ex-prime ministers. Cow patty is full of antibiotics and hormones, and can be used as disinfectant inside household. Under cow are four udders, which is the most useful component. Cows have two horns on head top, and can be horny.

Because she is holy, cows are also good for worshipping. That is why we honour the cow one day every year on Gai Jatra by poking fun at our leaders. It is a very funny day in Nepal. Nothing is sacred to us on this day. We can poke fun at everyone and everything, we can even call our school principal a cow.

Sometimes, if we become very brave and foolish on Gai Jatra, we can make funny pictures about the Minister of Agriculture and Livestock by drawing him in newspaper without any underwear, so you can see his private sector. Hahahahaha.

Kathmandu’s streets are made for cows, and their favourite snack is to eat the garbage. They like newspapers mostly because they are good for the digestive system. They also like to eat junk food like Wai Wai wrappers.

Another useful thing for cows to do is to act as traffic islands. Cows in Kathmandu regulate traffic by sitting on middle of road and serve as bovine road dividers. Without cow, traffic would be chaos. Kathmandu Metropolitan Council is paying strict attention to this by making cows wear reflective jackets so they can be seen at night.

A boy cow is called Bull. He is very useful in our agriculture society to pull hoe and for locomotion. Without bull, Tarai region will grind to halt. Even on bandh days bullock carts are allowed on the roads, so they are vital for public transportation.

Nepalis like very much bullshit because we have learnt to make fire from cow’s backside. And this is why we have a Gobarment off the people, four the people, and buy the people.