Nepal Army, Pvt. Ltd.

After years of conducting war on a war-footing Nepal’s erstwhile subterraneans are not pussy-footing around. Now that they have attained power though the barrel of the GONe, they have promised prosperity on a war-footing as well. And since most mouth organs of the state are more or less defuncked, to attain that noble objective we have an urgent need for iron discipline in this country. And who better to instill military-type order than the military?

Which must be why the Minister of Commercialisation, Industriousness and Undersupply Herr Matrick Jadav announced this week that he was preparing to hand over the management of the Hetauda Spinning Mill to the Nepal Army.

My thought exactly. We cannot think of a better institution to manufacture garments on a war-footing than the Nepal Army. With its glorious history of Gorkha Expansionism, and the valuable sacrifices it has made since to defend Nepal’s territorial integrity on land, sea and air, there is none more qualified to manage a frock factory. An army that could set up an assembly line to manufacture leather cannons to fight the British in 1816 can easily mass produce socks.

And since the Army HQ is already making the Fast Tarai Track, it may as well take over various other slow-track projects in the PM’s bucket list like the Baudhha-Jorpati Canal, and the Kopundole Interbasin Inland Waterway for maritime navigation. The Army already provides yeoman and yeowoman’s service running petrol pumps, hospitals, schools, banquet halls, rents out horse-drawn carriages for weddings, and is into construction and real estate. So it doesn’t make sense to restrict its theatre of operations (in a manner of speaking).

Kathmandu Petropolitan City has made a royal mess of managing capital’s garbage and sewage, and we are confident the Army can do a much better job turning the Okharpauwa Landfill Site into a top secret research facility for germ warfare and Nepal’s secret biological weapons program. This is so hush-hush, I could tell you what is going on there, but then I’d have to kill you.

The Nepal Army should also be given the task of completing the much-delayed Republic Tower National Pride Project. After successive contractors ran away with the money this erectile dysfunction is behind schedule by four years. If we cannot even finish a republican tower, why should the intercontinental community take our republic seriously?

But with the Army taking over, we can be sure it will look like a decoy ballistic missile on a launch pad and serve as a strategic deterrent against foreign invasion of our motherland.

This edifice complex already has a name: The Oli Folly.