Nepal DipTels leaked

why the big fuss about the trans-Atlantic scandal over the leak of diplomatic cables sent by Britain’s ambassador in Washington? In Nepal, the news has been greeted by loud yawns because our own diplomatic service leaks like a water buffalo on diuretics in the monsoon. In fact, no one bothers to read diplomatic telegrams Nepal’s ambassadors and plenipotentiaries dispatch to the Ministry of Foreigner Affairs in Kathmandu, which explains why they are all top secret.

On the other hand, highly classified cables Kathmandu-based dips send to their capitals are two-way encrypted and marked FYEO. Deep-penetration agents from Nepal’s Department of Military Intelligentsia (DMI), nevertheless managed to successfully hack their servers and lay hands on thousands of confidential documents. The information Kathmandu-based ambassadors send to their capitals is vitally important for the Government of Nepal to find out what the Government of Nepal is up to. That is why we reprint redacted versions of some of these leaked cables below. Editor’s Note: Top Secret. After you read this, shred this paper and eat it.

LONDON: Official Sensitive 

To: FCO/SA/NP From: AMBKTM

The NCP is a bunch of inept, insecure, incompetent and dysfunctional commies engaged in vicious infighting, knife-fights over turf and power. Nepal could be at the beginning of a downward spiral, and the govt could crash and burn. Baluwatar is mired in scandal, and Singha Darbar is beholden to the dodgy Chinese. But Oli may nonetheless emerge from the flames, battered but intact like Yossarian in Catch 22. PS: The Everest marathon went well.

PYONGYANG:

All hail to The Great Leader. All hail to The Dear Leader. All Hail to The Young Un. May petals rain from heaven on The Glorious Immortal Ruling Family. Nothing to report from Kathmandu this week. Over and out.

WASHINGTON:

Highly Classified Top Secret

URGENT To @AmbJohnBolton: Nepal is landlocked and 3,000 miles away from the Strait of Hormuz. It does not have torpedos, but does have a naval flotilla in Phewa. We are keeping an eye on them in case they are weaponised and threaten global oil and gas supplies.

EXTREMELY URGENT To: POTUS/FLOTUS/IVANKA/VEEP Ex:USEMB/NP

From Merriam-Webster for future reference:

Nipple: (n) /ni-pәl/ The protuberance of a mammary gland upon which in the female the lactiferous ducts open and from which milk is drawn.

Nepal: (n) /nә-p-lē/ Hillary visited twice. Not Sir Ed, the other one.

Button: (n) /bә-tn/ A key that can initiate a catastrophic global thermo-nuclear exchange.

Bhutan: (n) /bü-tän/ They sent us 90,000 happy refugees.

NEW DELHI:

EX: EAMKTM TO: @DRSJAISHANKAR

SUBJECT: THEY WANT TO BAN OUR VEGGIES STOP ADVISE STOP SUGGEST OIL STOP GAS STOP