New, improved TIA

Now that G Adventures has listed Nepal as Number 1 of the Top 12 Destinations Worldwide for 2020, we can all sit back, relax and give every tourist daring to visit Nepal an experience of a lifetime they will not forget in a hurry.

Even though Nepal is ranked as a most popular destination, Nepalis themselves do not seem to know what their destination is as a nation. For a country that doesn’t know whether it is coming or going, we are sure getting there fast. One way the Ministry of Vermiculture, Tourism and Gymnastics can move ahead is by upgrading Kathmandu’s boutique airport in preparation for Visit Nepal 2020 with these measures:

1. The Ministry has decreed that all international flights circle for at least 2 hours before landing in Kathmandu from January 1 onwards so passengers are given free mountain flights during #VNY2020.

2. The fleet of ramp buses that bring passengers from the aircraft to the terminal building have been replaced with a fleet of elephants. Passengers will disembark directly into howdahs, and be transported to the visa queue.

3. A replica of a rhino and calf have been installed at the arrival area. For #VNY2020, these will be replaced with a herd of real rhinoceri roaming around the apron in addition to monkeys, leopards and feral dogs that showcase Nepal’s flora and fauna. Rodents have recently been added to promote Nepal as a MICE destination.

4. TIA has been officially reclassified as a ‘Buttock Airport’ with an open-defecation loo in the arrival area that acclimatises tourists by accurately replicating the aroma of the Bagmati.

5. After complaints that the visa process was too convoluted, the Department of Irritation has added a fast-track queue so that the average time passengers spend applying for an e-visa, paying for it, and having it stamped will be reduced to just 3 hours.

6. Arriving passengers will be x-rayed on arrival to check if they are metal free. If found carrying an excess of 50gm of gold, they will be strip-searched on the spot. However, those with more than 33kg of gold in their false bottoms can sneak out through a hidden side door.

7. Passengers are now allowed to bring only one 1-litre bottle of tax-free whiskey into the country. Anyone found bringing a second bottle will have to personally drink the extra bottle right there, stagger out into Nepal, and pass out.

8. Passengers now have a choice of extreme left-leaning or extreme right-leaning luggage trolleys depending on their personal political pursuasion.

9. The Domestic Terminal just broke the Guinness World Record for packing the maximum number of passengers into a finite area without asphyxiation.

10. Don’t come back in 2020, we don’t want the world to get a bad impression about Kathmandu airport.