Symbolic symbols

Ang Kami Sherpa just broke his own record to climb Mt Everest for the 26th time last week. Also aspiring to be in the Guinness Book is Prime Minister Deuba by being prime minister seven times (five down two to go) and have a wax figure of himself yawning installed at Madame Tussauds.

Hoping to get into the Guinness Book this week is the shortest man ever to summit Mt Everest. We already have Ghantaghar in Dharan officially listed as the world’s fastest clock, and the CPN Maoist Centre has been recognised as the world’s most rightwing Communist Party.

We can now reveal that Nepal’s Election Commission is going to be on the Guinness Book for being the slowest ballot counters. This is a great national recognition that does Nepal proud, and shows that our hard-won democracy is taking a great leap forward.

There have been calls to speed up the counting process so that Nepalis can get on with their busy schedules to enjoy two-day weekends. That would be a bad idea. After all, haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race. The Election Commissars have also wisely desisted from putting the names of parties and candidates on the ballot so as not to confuse voters. For The Ass, 13 May was a toss up between Shuttlecock and Cock.

To be fair, voters do have a right to be confused about ballot papers this time, there were just too many candidates. This presents a clear and present danger of the Erection Commission running out of party symbols for future polls.

Since prominent symbols like Fountain Pen, Mango, Duck and Rabbit have already been taken by the 5-Party Cartel, we need more symbols so that in November  voters can confidently stamp their Hammer and Sickle on the Swastika.

In order to enlarge the gene pool of election symbols, the Ass is inspired by Nepal’s rich biodiversity to include the country’s flora, fauna and sauna. The Uncastrated He-goat, Bull, Water Buffalo and Yak have already been conscripted.

To accommodate political parties that are missed out, we have assigned them the Scorpion, Yeti, Vulture, Porcupine, Snake, Snail and (the Donkey is pleased to announce) a Jack Ass delivering a back kick.

We have also included symbolic symbols like Handcuffs, Grenade (with pin attached) and Squat Latrine. The Family Party’s symbol has been changed to a male prophylactic, and Bibeksheel Sajha gets Face Mask.

As more election results come in, let the best ass win.