Tax heaven

The donkey has to think twice before braying, since as of today (17th of August in the 2,018th year of our lord) he can be hauled over the coals for poking fun at the local grabberments trying to turn Nepal into a Tax Heaven.

Local elected officials have learnt well from national leaders who have become experts at spreading the wealth around by using tax-payer money to finance brain transplants in Singapore, because they don’t trust donor brains available in Nepal.

Already, local governments have announced bullock cart taxes with separate annual fees for both bullocks, as well as a road cess for the cart. Bicycles will be taxed in Province 2, and Province 4 has announced a special tax for crossing rivers.

Chicken, goats, ducks, buffalos, and other sacrificial animals will henceforth have to pay a retroactive tax after they are ritually decapitated. And there is a hair cut tax in Province 6.

However, it saddens the Ass to see that local governments are forfeiting mucho dinero by not being imaginative enough to widen the tax bracket. And with due permission from the Board of Sensors, here are some bright new ideas:

1. Facebook Tax: 8 million Nepalis are on Facebook, and the country is losing billions in revenue to Senor Zuckerberg which should rightfully stay in the country. FB users will henceforth be taxed hourly, and for posting foto albums of holidays in Thailand.

2. Loo Tax: Districts declared Open Defecation Free will tax all dumps great and small. Urinals and arsenals throughout the land will henceforth need to be registered.

3. Corruption Tax: All bribes, kickbacks, commissions, cuts, baksheesh, hush money, will heretofore come under the tax umbrella. Rebates for all bribes between Rs1 Corrode and Rs 10 Arabs. In order to avoid double taxation, extortion amounts above Rs 1 Kharab on FDI will be tax deductible.

4. Laughter Tax: To show it is serious about taxes, the government has instituted a new Levity Levy. Anyone found guffawing, chuckling, giggling, or even snorting while reading this column will be taxed an amount calculated on the basis of duration and intensity of mirth. Said amount will be automatically deducted from reader’s safety deposit box. Who is laughing now?

5. Death Tax: All Nepalis will have to posthumously pay a death tax to the state at the successful completion of their current lives. Future incarnations will be taxed on a pre-paid basis.

Let us bray.