Confessions of a fifth columnist

Every week us multi-award winning nationalistic journalists (Motto: 'For Crown and Country, In That Order') go about our selfless duty of endeavouring to bring news without fear or favour to your doorstep so you can totally ignore our muckraking reports and move on to the coverage of the Champion's League.

Fair enough, we realise that one can take the proverbial horse to the water but one can't make him soap his proverbial armpits.

So, tell us, now that you've got so far into this article, what does it take to make you read the rest of this nonsense? Shall we slip in a few bright green ones under the table?

Can we offer you another free pack of Instantaneous Noodles as an added incentive?

The most fulfilling part of being in the newspaper business these days is the fact that no one actually reads any of this stuff, so you can get away with just about anything.

That is why I can say you (yes, you on the podium wearing that silly headgear with ostrich feathers) are a dork without fear of having my license revoked. We can also call you a "cowardly traitorous ideological deviant not to mention a splitist nepotistic slave of counter-revolutionary running dog royalist mongrels" and get away with it because we know you are too busy watching yourself on television in your safe haven.

So, since no one is actually reading this we can safely bring you the week's main news in briefs:

Maoists Say Sorry
BY A DEMOLITION EXPERT

SOMEWHERE IN THE CAPITAL OF NEPAL'S LARGE NEIGHBOUR TO THE SOUTH WHICH HAS REQUESTED ANONYMITY-The Maoists today apologised for the recent bombing of the local office of the World Food Program (WFP) in Jhapa.

"It was a grievous mistake, and we offer sincere apologies to the United Nations, we were actually trying to blow up the Primary School next door as well as the District Forest Office and the Small Farmer's Project. The terror is regretted," said a Maoist spokesman on condition that his location not be disclosed.

In another development, the Underground Insurgents announced this week that vehicles belonging to the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) and the UN's Office of the High Commissioner of Human Rights (OHCHR) have been granted safe passage along highways during the ongoing indefinite nationwide blockade.

Soon after the statement came out, the rebels as part of their strategic counteroffensive shot at an ambulance in Dang, set fire to a Sajha bus in Kaski and blew up a milk tanker in Chitwan.

Nationalised Journalists Meet Dr Giri
BY HIS MASTER'S VOICE

Office-bearers of the newly-formed Nationalised Union of Journalists (Moustachioed) today met First Vice-chairman Tulsi Giri in his office and vowed to toe the official line no matter what.

Dr Giri then shed light on Nepal's present crisis which we can't report because of the Home Minister's directive this week that anyone mentioning Maoists in a news report will be treated as a terrorist. Sorry.

The nationalistic journalists were then immediately whisked off to cover the official visit to Nepal by a prominent dignitary whose identity we haven't been able to figure out till presstime.

But the man was Caucasian, of medium-build, slightly balding and well-dressed. He was obviously a very important person because he had some important things to say, and in a joint communiqu? both sides agreed this was a very important visit. Meanwhile in a separate development, the Austrian government has granted visas to two Nepali rhinoceroses because they qualify for highly-skilled permanent residence status in the Vienna Zoo.

However, two humans who were supposed to accompany the rhinos to Austria next week have been refused Schengen visas.

"They weren't satisfied the officials would return to Nepal," said a foreign ministry spokesman, "but we are glad the rhinos are going for good. Lucky buggers."