The most trending topic from Nepal on social media this week was not (as many of you might have erroneously contemplated) the breaking news from the Prime Minister’s Orifice that gravitation was discovered by Sri Bhaskar Acharya and not by Sir Issac Newton.This extraordinary revelation turns western gastronomy on its head, forcing us to re-examine the 3 laws Newton postulated after seeing an Apple Macbook fall from a tree, and rewrite them thus:First Law of Thermodynamics: A body at rest in the Kathmadu Mayor’s office will continue to be at rest even if rudely awoken by a physical force acting upon it like, for instance, a boot hitting the concerned authority’s butt.Second Law of Thermodynamics: Because energy cannot be created or destroyed in an isolated system, power cuts are inevitable for the unforeseeable future.Third Law of Thermodynamics: When one boulder exerts pressure on a yam, the second boulder simultaneously exerts counter pressure with a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction so that the aforementioned yam is completely squished.Be that as it may, the real breaking news was, as The Economist reported this week, that Mt Everest is the world’s highest pile of shit. Firanghi correspondents just don’t get it, and what the reporter failed to mention was that since Mt Everest is being weathered by wind and precipitation, it is incumbent on the Gobarment of Nepal to ensure that it remains the paramount mountain on Earth. It is a matter of pride and nationalism for us Nepalis that we use all tools at our disposal to not just maintain the summit at 8848m, but even add a few more metres if we can.But Mt Everest is melting because of global warming, and this means all the frozen turd left on the mountain by daring alpinists since Sir George Mallory is beginning to thaw out. This is a national emergency and calls for immediate action. Instead of taking excreta down, it’s a much better idea to make every climber take a mandatory dump on top. Expeditions must also carry poo up from lower camps, so that the peak remains highest in the world.Our target should be to raise Mt Everest to at least 9,000m this fiscal year, and for that it must be made compulsory for all expeditions to leave their trash on top as well. Any climber bringing rubbish down will be fined, and be asked to go back up and leave the garbage on the summit.This way, we in Nepal can turn our attention to more pressing matters like determining conclusively who discovered gravity.

The Ass

Gravity, and all that rubbish

A trek is a highly recommended workout in which you will come face-to-face with the exotic realities of a Turd world country.The word ‘trek’ is derived from an Afrikaan word which means: “Carry your body weight and a backpack weighing a ton up and down vertical mountainsides for 10 days, share sleeping quarters with yaks, while attending to calls of nature in the company of friendly local people.”Why we had to import a South African word for the completely indigenous activity of walking from one Nepali village to the next, I have never quite figured out. But I guess the whole philosophy of trekking is to get unsuspecting visitors to pay $140 a day for the masochistic pleasure of inflicting extreme hardship on themselves so that when they return home to their mundane, soulless materialistic existence, it will seem like paradise.Here are some useful tips on the joys of hiking in Nepal and how to make it fulfilling for mind, body and sole:Am I fit? The main pre-requisite to trekking is that you should train yourself in the art of walking straight up and straight down like a gecko. Practice on a wall at home. One month before trek, stop using the lift. Climb 36 floors to your office every day, and use the stairs down. Now multiply this by 10.What should I eat?Muesli. This is what they give mules to eat for breakfast on the Mustang trail so their after-burners can kick in during the steepest inclines, adding critical thrust to propel them over Chuksang Pass in time for lunch. Just ask your mule to share his muesli.Dal-bhat. Tea-shops along the trail have a wide variety of dal-bhat so you never get tired of Nepal’s national dish: dal-bhat with alu, dal-bhat with moolah, dal-bhat with banda, dal-bhat with bodi, dal-bhat with sag, or even dal-bhat with dal-bhat.To level out a steep uphill there is nothing to beat the locally-brewed high-octane apple brandy. Pour a little of this into your and watch yourself fly like the wind, leaving gasping fellow-trekkers in the valley below. (Statutory Govt Health Warning: Hangovers are a pain in the ass.)Is it safe to drink the water?The first rule of thumb is not to drink anything that doesn’t have the mandatory hologram Seal of Approval of the Nepal Bureau of Standards ISO 90002. Adhering to this rule will mean that you will die of thirst on the first day of your trek, therefore exceptions are allowed in emergencies.

satire-column

Gravity, and all that rubbish

So you want to trek?