And we have lift-off

We have a problem. No, it's not that the peace process is about to unravel. Nor is it that the development process is completely stuck. No, the real national crisis is the crippling lack of cars and official residences for the soon-to-be-60-member cabinet. If MJF (Upadro) joins the government, which now appears likely, they will demand a bigger share than the rival MJF (Bijay) faction, but there are no more luxury vehicles for the new inductees.

Already, ministers are (literally) taking matters into their own hands. Last month, the Youth Minister smashed the windshield of her Corolla after it refused to pull her weight up the Kupondole hill. This week, the state minister of agriculture slapped the CDO of Parsa four times (twice on each cheek) because he didn't have a Big Car for her when she arrived for a meeting. The CDO offered the other cheek, and is feeling rather like a punching bag lately: he was manhandled last week by the Birganj chapter of the YCL, which wanted a share of the customs loot.

Someone better do something about this shortage of ministerial vehicles otherwise cabinet members are going to resort to armed struggle.

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But all this still doesn't solve the problem of how to transport the expanded 60-member council of ministers for the proposed cabinet meeting at Everest Base Camp next week. Since it was his idea in the first place, the Ass has several bright ideas to make it happen. The first is to drive in a convoy of SUVs into Tibet through Kodari to the Rongbuk Glacier. It doesn't matter which Base Camp, right? Besides, going to the Chinese Base Camp will emphasise the transboundary nature of the climate change problem. Bright Idea #2 is to take the entire cabinet on the army's Avro that seats 60, open the hatch above the Khumbu Glacier and let the ministers freefall and paraglide to Base Camp. By doing it this way, we will be killing two birds with one stone: we're drawing attention to adventure sports for the 2011 Visit Nepal Year while raising global awareness about climate change.

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India and Nepal have signed a new air services agreement to allow airlines to fly a nearly indefinite number of flights between the two countries. But nothing is going to happen unless the state-owned airlines of the two countries get their act together. The less said about our own NAC the better, since the motto of our national flag carrier seems to be: 'Why You Complain? Look at the State of the Country'. But it is a matter of great consolation that Air India isn't much better, especially since it merged with Indian Airlines. The flight to Banaras the other day was four hours late. When it finally attempted to take off, the pilots slammed on the brakes halfway down the runway and the cabin filled with smoke.

The plane taxied back to the apron, but the passengers were kept on board for an hour while mechanics pulled the engine apart in front of their eyes. When an asthma patient nearly croaked, they were finally allowed to deplane. No announcement, no info and AI staff hid their security badges so that the passengers would not recognise them. The flight was finally 'postponed' at 6PM and took off the next day. Air India doesn't need air marshals hovering six inches above Nepali territory in its cubicle on wheels in KTM, it needs better planes and more polite ground staff.

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The story of our ministers thrashing CDOs and vandalising their official vehicles reminds the Ass of a particularly cantankerous American ambassador who once lifted a UN human rights consultant into the air by his shirt collar and yelled obscenities at him in full view of guests at a reception. Now, why don't they send ambassadors like that to Nepal anymore?

ass(at)nepalitimes.com