No Ass column will be complete this week without some asinine comments about the way political parties have distributed tickets for candidates for the forthcoming elections. Kollywood actors and actresses are apparently running helter skelter and some have actually gone semi-underground to escape the dragnet of political parties vying with each other to pull screen idols who pull voters. But the most dramatic story is of yesteryear’s heart throb (today’s myocardial infarction) Bhuwan Kesi who had agreed with Lotus Thapa to join RPP Nepal for the Kathmandu #1 constituency. It was announced on FB, the journos had arrived for the photo-op, but no Bhuwan Dai. On further investigation, it turned out he had been hijacked overnight by the UML. So far so great. But guess what, after his name appeared on the UML’s candidate list, the Unfettered Marxist-Leninists started having second thoughts and retroactively retracted Bhuwan Dai’s name. “BAMF-OMG-WTF,” Kesi was overheard swearing on the phone. Charisma, meanwhile, deserves the Nepali equivalent of the BAFTA Award for playing coy and refusing to hob-nob with politicians. Rekha can have best supporting actress for pretending to be excited about standing in Parsa, where she’s never been.

The other breed of people fighting tooth and nail for tickets are family members of leaders. Now that the Koirala family has been further subdivided into five warring factions, Sujata has leveled a serious charge against Jhusil Uncle and accused him of ‘nepotism’. She walked out of the kangresi konklave the other day and called a presscon where she invoked the wrath of her ancestors on the cousins and uncles running her party.

The Bracket Baddies have also turned out to be as naughty as everyone else so far as spreading candidates among kith and kin goes. Five Cash candidates are joining the election fray with their wives, including ‘Be Right Back’ BRB. And setting the trend is none other than the Great Helmsman himself who is fielding dotter Renu, dotter-out-law Bina and bro Narayan. Prakash (‘Son Also Rises’) Dahal was exiled for sowing his wild oats far and wide, but has been rehabilitated and his third wife Bina Magar also got a ticket.

This is all becoming nice and cosy and Comrade Atom seems perfectly happy attiring himself in police, commando, and football uniforms and doesn’t want to run in no elections. Which is just as well because a Dash Baddie who was PKD’s former bodyguard has spilt the beans about the alcoholic and other escapades of Dahal & Son, Pvt Ltd. The other Comrade Prakash, on the other hand, is in the dog house and rumour has it he seriously mulled defecting to the UML.

And what’s with this outbreak of letter writing to Ban ki-Moon? First it was Shambhu Thapa, dashing off an email to Uncle Ban whining about being fingered by the CIAA’s Autopilot Baba. Thinking it was now de rigueur for Nepali politicians to tattle to Uncle Moon, Baidya Ba also shot off a note to tell him not to believe a word that Kill Raj told him.

At this rate, the Ass will also have to write to the UNSG and begin by saying: ‘Dear Mr Ki-Moon (or shall I call you Ban?) Will you be my penpal?’