The most fabulous thing about living in a democracy is that we all have the right to be as demanding as we want. Anyone, including you and me, can come up with a list of demands and launch an escalating protest for the government to fulfill at its earliest convenience. Therefore, crushers and tippers rightfully bring city to a standstill because they are prevented from exercising their democratic right to ravage the Chure and mine sensitive riverbeds. Doctors close down hospitals to protect their right to close down hospitals. It is the sacred duty of every citizen in a democracy to have his/her list of demands. So, on behalf of 28 million fellow-Nepalis and in the interest of upholding our demographic way of life, I humbly submit below my own 18-point list of demands which the powers that be will ignore at their own peril. If these demands are not met by next Friday, I will personally begin a phase-wise program of civil disobedience which will culminate in a violent pen-down strike over the Dasain holidays:

1. The government should, right this minute, regain territory ceded to the East India Company in the Sugauli Treaty, restore the country’s pre-1814 boundaries and make Nepal greater again.

2. Ok, ok, let’s at least get back Kalapani.

3. Never mind, for now we just demand that Nepali farmers be allowed to grow corn on no-man’s land.

4. I demand that the government immediately scrap all international treaties that Nepal is signatory to which infringe on our sovereign rights, including the Geneva Conventions and its Additional Protocols, the Hague Convention, the Rome Statute, the Biological Weapons Convention, the Convention on Cluster Munitions, and the Convention on Holding the Nation Hostage.

5. Having said that, come to think of it, why not also opt out of the Kyoto Protocol? All together now: “Kyoto Protocol Murdabad! Chief of Protocol Jindabad!”

6. Our sixth demand is that all our previous demands, including the 137-point ultimatum delivered to the Ministry of Re-education, Self-criticism and Aquaculture, be fulfilled without further ado.

7. Otherwise we may be forced to list all those 137 demands right here point-by-point, and that may take till midnight, or until the cows come home, whichever happens later.

8. Since this is taking longer than I expected, can I have a coffee, please? Black without sugar.

9. Make available Journalist Discounts and Free Upgrades on all international and domesticated flights with immediate effect, otherwise we will create nuisances on board that may endanger the safety of fellow passengers and ourselves, for which the air crew will have to bear full responsibility.

10. We’re only up to 10? When are we ever going to get to 18?

11. So, moving right along to the next point in the agenda: we demand that these demands be taken with the seriousness they deserve. If not we will … um …  go on a relay hungry strike and skip afternoon snacks until the country is great again.

12. We are against all current drafts of the constitution, especially to the provisions regarding forms of government, state structure, election procedures, the judiciary. But we want all the democratic right of political parties to recruit mafia dons and goons at their convenience to be upheld in the interest of pluralism and inclusiveness, otherwise we will get all our fraternal and maternal organisations to launch decisive street protests and court arrest, which can be carried out as per three modus operandi:

** Prison Arrest

** House Arrest

**Cardiac Arrest

13. Everything in Nepal should be free of cost, and all noodle packs must have coupons for gold bar lotteries.

14. This agitation will be temporarily suspended on weekends, during Dasain and for “technical reasons” without prior notice. Management is not responsible for the consequences.

15. The next three demands (viz: #s 16, 17, 18) are non-negotiable. They can never be met, but will not be disclosed at the present time because we reserve the right to bring them to public notice at a later date. Look at it from our point of view: if you meet all of our demands now, how can we exercise our democratic right to present more demands in future?