Nepali Times

Definitely indefinite

AssBackside

Column: Backside | From Issue #517 (August 27 - September 2, 2010)

The Ass has an idea. And it's a brilliant one, if I may say so myself. Lately there has been a hungama about the breeding centre to export lab monkeys, which were set free in Shivapuri National Park. Many died. This is cruel and inhuman, and we should re-legalise the trade. Only this time, let's keep the monkeys, and export the politicians.

***

It's definite there will be indefinite elections. But shut up already, those of you whining on and on about the tripartite netas holding the country hostage with their moronic behaviour. I am sick and tired of hearing you complaining. Let's face it, it's not at all original anymore to grumble about politicians. Besides, you think it's only in Nepal? Look at the Ozzies - they had an election a week ago and still don't have a new prime minister. What Nepal does today, the world does tomorrow.

***

With the sudden resurgence of ex-royals appearing at temples and giving impromptu interviews, it does look like someone somewhere is pulling the strings to bring back a 'cultural' (read Hindu) monarchy. If the Hindutva Brigade is in cahoots with the Red Brigade, then it may happen before long. Didn't Mao ally himself with Chiang Kai Shek against the Japanese?

There is one small problem: the Baddies don't believe in God. But considering how pragmatic the Comrades are about restoring the monarchy it's just a small extra step to accept the existence of a divine being, after all they are already used to cult worshipping His Holiness the Chairman. And seeing how many of our leaders have 'Ram' in their names (Ram Chandra Poudel, Ram Baran Yadav, Babu Ram Bhattarai, Ram Bahadur Thapa and even Pushpa Kamal's  wife's name is Sita)  it was anyway anachronistic to be declaring Nepal secular.

What is holding things back is the aversion of kingji to any overt collaboration with the Mau Mau. Which is probably why he is angling for another medical diplomacy trip to India to clarify matters with the powers that be, during which he also wants to drop in on Bhai Bua, who is undergoing treatment.

***

Now that Julia Roberts has converted to Hinduism, we shouldn't bar her from entering Pashupati should she decide to come to Nepal. She can join all the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis who are inside already because they 'look Hindu'.

***

The Chinese agenda of trying to get our Reds to work together is a non-starter considering how far apart the Maos and Eh-maleys are; or even Oily and Jhallu seem to be poles apart. So while Lainchaur is trying to keep our netas at each other's throats, Naxal is trying to get them to work together.

Some foreign embassies in Kathmandu are feeling a bit left out because they don't get the attention the Indians, Chinese and Euros get in shaping the destiny of our great nation. The Japanese are one of our biggest donators and are building a  9.1 km superhighway to Bhaktapur, but don't have a proportionate say in our internal affairs. The ex-Soviets who once built cigarette factories, sugar mills and educated thousands of Nepali engineers and doctors are now nowhere in the picture. But with its new oil wealth, international clout and the Putin Doctrine, the Russians have sent feelers asking the Nepal govt where they can meddle. How about getting the Russian Space Program to agree to take RCP and PKD on as trainee cosmonauts and blast them off into orbit?

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One guy who doesn't seem to have a care in the world is Makunay, who is so cocksure the elections in parliament are going nowhere he is planning to fly off to New York in mid-Sept to address the UN General Assembly. Don't forget to take Suji along, and let's hope both of you will be sent back from JFK because you don't have machine readable passports.

***

The Nepal Electrocution Authority is thinking of hiking power tariffs. This merits this week's 'Only In Nepal Award'. The nationwide electricity theft rate is at 40 per cent. Which means by jacking up the rates, NEA is punishing honest customers who are paying for power, and letting the crooks go scot free. Jai Nepal.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com

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Comments (Archive)

  • Sherpa Observer

    About three months ago when 601 monkeys failed to do what they were supposed to do, I had already raised this issue in one of the dailies asking why we export innocent monkeys when we have 601 human samples to be lab tested in US to check if they have any brains that a normal human should have. ASS I am with you! You have much more functional brain than these 601 Sabashad.

  • who cares

    who says baddies do not believe in god? according to baddies, Marx created universe in 365 days, it took him 1 day to make the earth, but later realized that the earth is on the way of super highway, so to destroy her, he again created human. till today, all commies, remaining. are united to fulfill the vision of the Marx. madhav nepal must be thinking that he should have resigned the same day he got into the office since it is easy, tensionless to work as a care taker than normal executive head- and not to forget- few or none ungrateful opposition.

  • Dg

    Form a Swagat Samiti to receive Julia Roberts . Then she canbe ushered inside the temple premises. Even YCL can be useful to that effects.Why not remove the board, For Hindus Only from Pashupati nath complexbefore she decides to visit Nepal.Let she be the first Hindu White Convert to enter the temple complex in the Visit Nepal Year 2011. it will give a great promotionnot only for tourism but to our secularism as well. Look how much has Richard Gere has done to promote Bauddhanath.

  • Bhaicha

    Timur Lane was lame. But he became a great conqueror. His decendant Babar became the Emperor of India. Chengez Khan was his relation. Our lame duck Prime Minister is going to attend the UN General Assembly; is not a joke.. He can make something out of TA DA and extra perks and expenses. Please don't deprive a poor akinchan brahmin of that,. It will show the real state of affairs going on in our country. Mukam karoti bachalam , pangum langayete girim;yetkripa tum aham bande paramananda Madhavam.( Dumb can have speech and talk, the lame can cross over mountains; when there is the grace of the all blissful Madhava.). Suzy Wong will also have to be there; after all sh is our clay pigeon Foreign minister and DPM too. New Yorkers will be very unhappy if they miss these jadugars, hey madaris! Kandha par danda dade sasural ka ghar jawo budiya! Isn't it good that Madhav goes to Timbactu before being in New York.? Suzy Mam too better be sent through Wan Chai Distric to Grosse Freiheight and Kleine Freiheight,Sankt Pauli Reeperbahn, and better she loose her way there in itself. We can get rid of her. Auf Wiedersehen.

  • who cares

    after reading RAMAYAN million times, when somebody asks "who is SITA?" every time, the reply will be RAWAN'S WIFE. you know what i mean. and by the way, face of nepalese match with almost every creature- south asian, south east asian, some chinese, some japanese, arabian, israeli, latino, mediterranean, middle asian. ............ better nepal govt. be prepared cause our passport could be in demand from migrant labors to criminals, terrorists to secret service. i would like to ask NT to start rating system for columns and voting for or against comments ...... and also free commenting/discussion/debate on weekly events where anyone can start the discussion. this will definitely help to increase visitors and give some idea to policymakers. and does "write to editor" word?

  • Anish

    Lets collaborate with Russians in their space program. If they ever decide to go to Mars, we can supply them with as many' Netas' as they want so that they wont have to sacrifice another "Leika". For their part, the Russians would have to make sure that our 'Netas' never return back.

  • Daniel Gajaraj

    The entry of Russians into Nepal's development will once again remind us of the fifties and sixties of the last century; when Sugar and Tobacco factories, Panauti hydro, Janakpur-Pathlaiya Road , Agriculture Tools Factory and Kanti Hospitals came into existence; in a Nepal where there was almost no industries and development. Even the First Survey of the East -West Highway was started by the Soviets in the period of B P Koirala's premiership days.They are still helping us in Education Sector. As Russians have already made overtures in that directionin the meeting with our lame-duck Prime Minister, we should avail of this opportunity of engaging them in our development efforts. It will not only be a healthy influence in Nepalese Politics but also for the South Asian region as a whole.. Why not advise President Obama to engage Russians gradually in Afganistan as well to counter balance Chinese-Pakistani enfluence and for breaking the Taliban -Osama bin Laden Axis .? Hope our Indian friends will welcome that move.Nepali mouse can as well roar.