Bad Ass Nation

Threats to Nepal’s national insecurity cannot be underestimated in these perilous times. There are countries with spurious claims to Buddha’s birthplace or who want to purloin a desolate windswept mountain range in northwestern Nepal. And not a day goes by that a Nepali somewhere in the world doesn’t have to punch someone in the nose to prove that not all flags have to be rectangular.

The nation needs to be on high alert against expansionist forces which want to take over and overtake us. Nepal has been kicked around too often by our Bigger Brothers, and we will not take it lying down anymore — we will kowtow.

But seriously, if we are serious about being taken seriously we cannot pussyfoot around anymore — we must take the bull by the horns of a dilemma. How have other countries that have become pariahs done it? How can Nepal also become notorious and thumb our nose at land-grabbing neighbours?

The idea is to project ourselves as a Bad Ass nation and punch above our weight. Show that we, too, can be belligerent, expansionist and have territorial ambitions again. And we must also make it impossible for anyone to launch an invasion of our territory by keeping our highway arteries in such a state of disrepair that even enemy tanks would get bogged down.

Not that the Ass has been asked, but I have prepared some pointers for the Nepal Grovelment on our response to the occupation of Lipu Lekh-Lampiyadhura.

1 Nepal Army’s Cybernetic Warfare Unit to infiltrate Wikipedia to reclaim Darjeeling, Garhwal and Kumaon and Make Nepal Greater Again.

2 As a card-carrying member of the League of Failed States, Nepal to internationalise the Kalapani dispute by getting President Maduro to issue a strongly-worded statement.

3 Order a whole bunch of centrifuges to enrich plutonium to build up our nuclear deterrent with an arsenal of atom bums.

4 Warheads are pretty useless without a missile delivery system, so the Nepal Army is to redeploy its deadly leather cannons last used to defeat British India in 1814. Slogan: “Nalapani to Kalapani!”

5 Resume hostilities where we left off during the Sepoy Mutiny of 1857 and occupy Lucknow.

6 The Nepal Communist Party to declare Nepal a ‘dynamite between two boulders’ and establish fraternal relations with Maoist comrades in China and India.

7 Boycott Hindi movies in cinemas — watch pirated ones on Bigflix.

8 Move Nepal Time 1 hour and 15 minutes ahead of Indian Standard Time.

9 The Nepal Army has experience occupying Tundikhel, and the PMO encroached on a whole chunk of real estate in Baluwatar. So, Nepal could easily Sikkimize Sikkim.

10 The Ministry of War Footing to rubber stamp every Indian map with the following: ‘The external boundaries of Nepal as depicted in this map are neither authentic nor correct.’