Nepali Times

Plutocracy of the Red Elite

AssBackside

Column: Backside | From Issue #631 (November 23-29, 2012)

The nation is still reverberating from The Slap that Comrade Ferocious got on his cheek while shaking hands with karyakartas at the Baddie Tea Party the other day. The YCLs beat the living daylights out of Padam Kunwar, who has become an overnight cyber celebrity. Now that all three leaders of the three main parties have been slapped, Madhesi leaders must be wondering who among them is next. Here are some tips to avoid injury: 
 
• Resign from the post of Party President
• Employ robotic arms to shake hands at tea parties
• Get a look-alike as decoy
• Don't shake hands with suspicious-looking chaps, blow kisses
• Meet cadre only through Facebook, not face-to-face
• If slapped, turn the other cheek
• All guests at tea parties to be handcuffed first
• Leaders to mandatorily wear protective headgear at all times
• Challenge attacker to a wrestling duel

***

Something happened on Tuesday that upset the apple cart. Comrade Awesome, the most calculating neta ever to appear in the Nepali political firmament (and I'm saying that with genuine admiration) had agreed with the politicos that Prime Minister Red Flag would start the process of reconstituting the government by stepping down. PKD thought he had killed two stones with one bird by removing his nemesis from office and projecting himself as kingmaker.

***

It was on that assurance that the president, who was also looking for a face-saving way out, signed the budget ordinance. Although all sides tried to paint themselves as the winners in this deal, it was BRB who pulled a fast one and bought himself more time by leap-frogging the 22 November election date and announcing yet another election for next year without saying when. The primordial minister in an unguarded moment (before his address to the nation on Thursday evening) had said he was going to be PM "for the next ten years". Looks like that wasn't just a slip of the tongue, he is going to make turning himself into a Jyoti Basu a self-fulfilling prophecy. But there is a sour note. BRB has been telling people within earshot of the media that he feels 'betrayed' by India. If that's the case, wonder what they'd promised him.

***

The only guys who seem to feel they have lost out are the Eh-maleys and Kangresis who have retreated to their lairs to lick their wounds, and subject the Nepali people to yet another andolan. They have no one to blame but themselves by letting PKD run circles around them. If they only talked to each other, Lion Brave, Jushil Da, and Lord Ram would know that Awesome has promised prime ministership to all of them at some point or other. The other candidate who seems mesmerised by the thought of ascending to Balu Water is Demon Nath who is PKD's candidate for a 'technocratic' pradhan monkey.

***

There is a reason why this Plutocracy of the Red Elite is feeling so cosy staying on in power. There was a time when corruption in Nepal was a 10% here and a 10% there. People talked about 'lakhs' changing hands below the table, and 'tea money' at the traffic office. What a Great Leap Forward this government has made. No one talks nowadays about anything less than corrodes and arabs in kickbacks. Road-widening is leading to the widening of the midriffs of a lot of YCL comrades and their commanders who monopolise the all-Nepal rentals of bulldozers. Apparently they are even giving themselves contracts for the 're-construction' of bridges destroyed during the conflict which don't even exist. Gutch's sidekick who has been caught several times in the police dragnet of mafia bosses, is also a major beneficiary of road-widening. I finally get it: that is why Farang Minister Kaji Naran Kamred is telling donors not to bother about funding human rights and inclusion in Nepal, and to channel their monies instead into 'infrastructure'.

***

Alert Ass fans have written in to say that the Nepali word 'paji' doesn't just mean 'armpit hair' but also 'adolescent donkey'. This donkey stands corrected and regrets the error. 

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Comments (Archive)

  • The one who cannot be named

    Suspicious looking chaps... Seriously ?? Hahahaha... they should start from their own backyard !

  • jethi

    hahaha, laughed so hard.

  • khaobadi

    ass is awesome as always

  • Chirikazi

    They say that more than 5000 of our security personals are engaged in providing security to the VIPs and ex-security bosses; most of them as house- keeping servants. It is a colossal loss to the public exchequer and a great misuse of the tax payers money. So instead of providing so many of them ;let them,the Veeps , be protected by adoring them by bullet proof vests , helmets and the like and also with uniform befitting their personality and functions.

  • who cares

    own chicken chille feeden snake has bitten the master agent puspa.

  • lovely ass

    whoever does the photo-shopping at NT is awesome! loved last week's gangnam PKD and this week is even better. keeping us entertained through these difficult times.

  • Moti

    Funniest Backside ever!

  • cuthulu

    less than what, 30-40 old idiots running this country? & we 3 millions stand and watch as if these shameless, classless grumps will turn things around. jhaapad gaala ma maatra hoina, antai tira pani haanera khasi paarnu parne yi sablai.

  • Mahesh

    Hey Ass - its always fun to read your writing, but you know what ? OMG or LMAO... we deserve this chaos and this madmen in power. We put them there. Except Mr. Kunwar, no one seems outraged. Indian stooge Bhattarai can be PM for life, just like a Dada Amin of a Mubarak. We cannot get rid of a handful of criminal leaders, yet we sacrificed 16 K people in a failed revolution. So I say, all those Netas in NC/UML, just shut up, you imbeciles are no match for a fox like BRB, go jump in Rani Pokhari and die. You gutless and shameless men, that is what you deserve.

  • The Projectile

    What can be done now? We are the ones who put him there. Saying 'see I told you so' never tasted this sweet. I was watching TV when the sheep population took to the streets, the 'Gyaney chor desh chod' fame phase. And our urban intellectuals were ranting 'Let's give them a chance' as if 'them' is synonymous with the word peace! K garchas mangaley, afnai dhangaley!