<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022111412114/6372216d9c7e80680e0c02b8jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="640" height="427"/><figcaption>Photo: RATNA SHAHI/NEPALI TIMES ARCHIVE</figcaption></figure>As usual, when the wedding season kicked off last month, I received many invitations. However, not even one of them was a Dalit and non-Dalit tying the knot.Despite the belief that caste stigma is limited to the fringes of Nepali society, there is still much ‘<a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/latest/loves-victory-over-racial-hatred/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">selective openness</a>’ regarding marriage. Unions between castes may be accepted in some circles, but only to a certain extent.For instance, a Brahmin family may accept a Chhetri son-in-law but would resist a Newa daughter-in-law. Even educated Nepalis still practice caste-based discrimination, even through its branding and packaging may have changed from the past.Many of us in our 20s constantly get unsolicited advice on marriage and choosing the right partner: “पहिले जस्तो जातपात भनेर त हामी रोक्दैनौ, तर पनि चल्ने सम्म मात्र रोज्नु है” — We may not discriminate on the basis of caste, but make sure you chose the right one.Alas, this ‘well-intentioned’ statutory directive fails to offer tips on how exactly one is to find a genuine partner. Instead, it perpetuates a mathematical theorem to maintain <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/here-now/race-against-time/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">historical caste divisions</a>: Avoid mingling with the Dalits at all cost.Liberal Nepalis today will accept anyone – foreigners or Nepali – but only to an extent, and definitely not from the Dalit community.Inter-caste marriage may be <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/banner/nepal-is-turning-into-a-nation-of-hybrid-identities/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">more common than before</a>, but it has not eliminated discrimination. Activist Shiva Hari Gyawali tallies 60 reported caste-based deaths during the last 10 years, even after the implementation of the Caste-Based Discrimination and Untouchability Act (2011).Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/banner/caste-aside/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Caste aside</a>, Sushma BaraliEvery year, there are many reported cases of <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/here-now/nepal-caste-attack-turns-deadly/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">caste-based violence</a> as a result of inter-caste marriage. Nabaraj BK, Prakash Biswokarma, Ajit Mijar, Sangita Sunar – these are names that prove how deeply exclusionary marriage is even today.As whatever is personal is also political, the next step for any Dalit-ally advocating for the elimination of caste-based discrimination and violence is to promote safe space for inter-caste marriage between Dalits and non-Dalits. This may help demolish the ‘walls’ that divide castes, and help reverse centuries of injustice.The end of casteism does not just ensure justice the Dalit community but also for non-Dalits. One Brahmin restaurant owner says his parents objected to his establishment offering pork memos because “it is not in our culture”.This ‘culture’ is a toxic environment shaped by generations of patriarchal and casteist doctrines that forces hurdles upon anyone who wants to pursue their dream, be it in love or occupation.In Nepal, marriage is not just a union between two people or families: it ensures the transfer of social capital and financial resources. Removing social barriers to inter-caste marriage can be a potent tool to eliminate discrimination.Government policies to promote inter-caste marriage is mostly lip-service. A 2011 program to provide financial incentives for inter-caste marriages was discontinued ostensibly because of ‘fake marriages’ where couples separated soon after getting their money. But <a href="https://idsn.org/nepal-minister-breaks-up-inter-caste-marriage/">a report published in 2018 </a>indicates that the authorities were themselves engaged in breaking up the marriages.The Caste Handbook published by the Asian Human Rights Commission in 2019 shows that for every case of human rights abuse faced by a Khas-Arya and Janajati couple due to inter-caste marriage, there were almost 16 cases registered by Dalit and Janajati couples, and nearly 40 more for Dalit and Khas-Arya couples.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/here-now/i-never-thought-i-would-be-alone-this-early-in-life/">“I never thought I would be alone this early in life”</a>, Sushma BaraliThis difference in the varying degrees of acceptance of inter-ethnic and inter-caste marriages could be the driving force behind the separation of couples, which in turn may be furthering stigma against inter-caste unions.Activist <a href="https://cdwn.org/staff/1/">Gaura Nepali</a> of the Centre for Dalit Women Nepal says inter-caste marriages could be a powerful tool to end caste-based discrimination. This is also because a woman marries into a man’s house. The family can be an agent of change among their relatives and society at large.The Khas-Arya has always had transactional relationship with the Dalit community because they used to rely on Dalits to make their clothes, tools, and jewellery.While much has changed today with urbanisation, globalisation and mobility, much remains the same. That is why casteism is still rife while renting out rooms or conducting business. These are new forms of the same transactional relationship that our ancestors practiced.It is time for non-Dalit allies to commit to actionable solidarity with the Dalit community, and move beyond just verbal commitment. One should not wait for another <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/here-now/they-killed-our-son-and-now-they-are-killing-justice/">Nabaraj BK to lose his life</a> to speak against casteism.Promoting a neighbourhood’s Dalit artisan, participating in rallies and advocacy programs on Dalit rights, conversations at home with parents and grandparents about caste-based injustice, can be some ways to practice this solidarity.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/uncategorized/one-step-forward-two-steps-back-on-same-sex-marriage/">One step forward two steps back on same-sex marriage</a>, Gopal GartoulaRabina Luitel is with the Center for Dalit Women Nepal (CDWN) and recently participated in the Dalit Reader’s Writing for Social Justice course.

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Caste no bar

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114111124/637217609c7e80680e0ba9e3jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1772" height="1183"/><figcaption>Photo: AMIT MACHAMASI</figcaption></figure>If you leaf through any fairy tale, it seems the sole purpose of the female protagonist is to find a suitor, and the story ends with the couple then living happily ever after. Except, life is not a fairy tale.Even in 2022, many girls grow up thinking that their primary purpose in life is to find a husband. Education, skills, and talent are encouraged, but the sense of existence always ends with marriage.Modern society speaks highly of gender equality, and even as women continue to fight for equal rights in all aspects of life, including equal pay, much of it is limited to words with no follow-up actions.Growing up in a Newa family, I did not look forward to gatherings where I was constantly asked, ‘Kaile bhoj khuwaune?’ When was I getting married?There would barely be any mention of my professional achievements, that topic is solely reserved for a boy. Because as a girl, my marriage is more important than my career or goals in life to Nepali society.From a young age, girls are programmed to think that if they are not able to find themselves a husband by marriageable age, they are failures. This is not a diss on women who have chosen marriage and are happy, but we are focusing on those who are mentally traumatised by the underlying pressure to get married or have to continuously justify the reasons they are not married yet.Our sad reality is that early on girls learn it is more important to be pretty than competent. Sure, everybody wants to look beautiful and beauty is valued everywhere. But how far will you go to attain it?Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/childless-by-choice/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Childless by choice</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryAccording to a <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/26979336" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">study</a> published in Journal of International Marketing, ‘the pursuit of beauty’ is very high in Asia, evidenced by the amount of “‘appearance-enhancing products’ Asian women use.While there are now voices about accepting yourself for who you are, the desire to be prettier, fairer and thinner still largely exists, and the pressure is predominantly higher for Nepali women than men.Think of every wedding you have been to this week during the marriage season, one of the first things you say is how ‘beautiful’ the bride looks.There countless stories of accomplished women who are valued more for how they look than who they are. Given the amount of work women put in to be academically and professionally successful, if it comes down to just looks, many women would rather stay single than be selected from a catalog of girls.Sara is a college student who got a full scholarship to study in the United States, but she gets constant comments about her weight. “Marriage is a partnership between two people. It depends on compatibility and compromise. I value myself too much to be ‘chosen’ based on my appearance,” says Sara. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who chooses me for my size or skin colour. I’d much rather be happier single, living my life.”Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/nepals-unequal-marriages/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Nepal's unequal marriages</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryTara is a successful banker but when it comes to her private life, she has stopped attending family parties frustrated with people not respecting her boundaries.“Aren’t you getting too old? Who will marry you now? You will have to settle for a divorcee or a widower at this point” are just some of the comments she has received. “I know my worth, but the continuous belittling makes me furious,” she says.I myself waited so long to settle down because I did not want to give up my financial freedom and live with the in-laws to cook, clean, and serve, and become a glorified maid of sorts.If I were lucky enough to marry into a family that allowed me to work, I would still have the obligations and put myself last. I have heard many stories of this kind from my girlfriends and cousins.One’s financial condition can also determine the preference for marriage. Tina is a medical doctor and has been practicing for several years now. “I am financially and emotionally independent. I am self-sufficient, so I don’t feel the need for a partner,” she says.In Nepal, men are more financially independent than women. This is mostly because most women are not as educated or are not allowed to work after marriage, limiting their resources.Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/letter-to-a-nepali-aunty/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Letter to a Nepali aunty</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryThis also makes them dependent on their spouse for support. The Covid-19 pandemic has made it worse with limited economic opportunities as it is or reduced income for many.“Women choose to remain single because they have a choice and capacity to navigate and lead their own life,” says LOOM Nepal founder Jyotsna Maskay.Indeed, women today do not feel the same pressure as our parents and their generation to settle down. Educated women know that they have a choice, and one of them is marriage.One choice is not better than the other but they choose to do what is right for them and what makes them happy.Isha recently got out of an unhappy marriage, and the resulting social stigma has followed her everywhere. “It is not easy being called names and held responsible for an unsuccessful marriage, especially as it was mostly his fault. But in our society, we women are to be blamed,” she says.Isha had her own painful journey and the path to self-acceptance was filled with challenges, but in the end, she chose herself over the image expected of her.She adds: “Some days are harder than others. In the marriage, every day was torture. Honestly, I feel empowered to have broken stereotypes.”All marriages are not awful, of course, but some can be. In the end, you have to prioritise yourself instead of being a people pleaser. Given a choice, it is always smarter to choose happiness over a husband.Anjana Rajbhandary writes this fortnightly Nepali Times column Life Time about mental health, physical health and socio-cultural issues. Some names have been changed.

Anjana Rajbhandary

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Why are some Nepali women not getting married?

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221110161156/636d1f229c7e80680e0af44bjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1062" height="708"/><figcaption></figcaption></figure>It is another end of the year and many of those still single cannot help but wonder when we will meet the one, while others may not even care.Some have been in <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/nepals-unequal-marriages/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">unhappy relationships</a> contemplating finally walking away and leaving the pain behind, but not everyone dares to do so.Quite a few of us are genuinely happy, and this makes others winder what it is that we are doing right. Then some are picture perfect couples on social media, but real life might be another story altogether.Even in the most ideal relationship, one cannot always be happy. Relationships come with their share of compromises, negotiations, arguments, and frustrations. But if your sense of comfort and ease is stronger than other emotions, you know that you are in a good place, and have found the right partner.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/relationships-in-the-time-of-corona/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Relationships in the time of corona</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryFollowing are some life situations that will prove that you are in a relationship that you deserve:<ol><li>Things that matter to you will matter to them</li></ol>You do not have to have the same hobbies and interests, but things that matter to you will matter to your partner. If it is important to you to get away occasionally and be a homebody, they will make it happen.<ol start="2"><li>You feel heard</li></ol>It does not have to be a huge life event, but if you have a good memory associated with food or a place, they will listen and remember the details of little essential things in your life. They know crucial, happy, or stressful events of your life.<ol start="3"><li>You can openly talk about issues</li></ol>All relationships have ups and downs, but talking about things that bother you or make you uncomfortable is essential. You are not afraid of talking about them out of fear that you will upset your partner.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/dreaded-bliss/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Dreaded bliss</a>, Anjana Rajbhandary<ol start="4"><li>You do not need plans to have fun</li></ol>When you are still in the honeymoon phase, there are many dates and trips. But once you are more comfortable in a relationship, they are still a part of your life, but you are satisfied just hanging out at home doing nothing. You enjoy just being in each other’s company, doing your own thing.<ol start="5"><li>They keep their word</li></ol>It can be an invitation or a promise to fix something, but they keep their word. The promise of a life together with security is impressive, but someone who keeps their word above will add up in the long run.<ol start="6"><li>You are mindful of each other’s boundaries</li></ol>It is essential to know, acknowledge, and respect each other’s boundaries from the beginning. You should be able to say no without feeling guilty and make an effort to get out of your comfort zone instead of being stubborn. Respecting each other’s space is one of the best ways to tell if they are a keeper.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/letter-to-a-nepali-aunty/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Letter to a Nepali aunty</a>, Anjana Rajbhandary<ol start="7"><li>Your priorities are important to both of you</li></ol>It is not important to have the same interests and hobbies, but if one of you loves video games, you must be okay with that, and if you have spiritual beliefs, they do not have to agree, but they cannot disregard its importance in your life. If you can understand and accept each other, you know you are in the right relationship.<ol start="8"><li>They do not make fun of you in public</li></ol>It is natural to have some inside jokes, but some do not need to be shared with others in public, even if done lightly. When you express your vulnerability and weaknesses to your partner, they will never use them against you for a good laugh.<ol start="9"><li>They do not make excuses or blame you</li></ol>It is easy to take your frustrations out on someone you are close to. But with a good partner, they do not make lame excuses and blame you for things not going well in their life.<ol start="10"><li>They make you a priority</li></ol>It takes time and practice to make someone an equal and essential part of your life. When you are in a relationship you deserve, you become each other’s priorities. When someone is important in your life, they are your priority by your actions and not just words.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/childless-by-choice/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Childless by choice</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryAnjana Rajbhandary writes this fortnightly Nepali Times column Life Time about mental health, physical health and socio-cultural issues.

The relationship you deserve in 2022

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221110161144/636d1d0e9c7e80680e0af390jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1125"/><figcaption>Photo: PRATIBHA TULADHAR</figcaption></figure>Tara wanted to understand why she had been so angry all the time. But she could make no sense of <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/anger-management-for-nepali-women/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">her anger</a>—anger that burst from within her like an inferno.Most days, she would wake up in the morning and go back to sleep. She could not comprehend what made getting out of bed so hard. Maybe the fear of having to face the world. Or just having to step out of bed—the act of moving her feet from underneath layers of bedclothes to the floor. Just the act. She would sometimes replay it in her head in repeat before actually doing it.Most days, she had zero courage to move her feet. But by mid-morning, she would usually make do.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/no-direction/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">No direction</a>, Pratibha TuladharSome days Tara worried about having to talk to Ama. Ama was constantly angry, too. Either angry or afraid. When she wasn’t one of the two, she would only talk about her grief.Ama saw the strangest details in everything around her. Even in pigeons shitting. She would say they must be having a bad stomach. Now, how on earth could she know what was going inside a pigeon’s belly! But she vouched for it. The pigeon. Diarrhetic.She would scoop out details in everything.Whenever Ama met some new fabric for the first time, she would pull the garment up to her eyes, looking through her glasses like they would bleed into the details. Even as she was going blind. Ama!Ama is stuck in between times. She has her ideals, and little else. Most of all, she has no money. Without money, ideals aren’t easy to sell to others. You can only use it as dinner table rants with Tara, who she was brought up to be just like her-- moralistic, semi-arrogant, awkward and afraid at the same time. Yet, every day, Tara promised herself she would never allow herself to become anything like Ama!Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/sita/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Sita</a>, Pratibha TuladharBut every day, Tara felt a part of her slide through the loophole of her promise. She was gradually turning out to be just like Ama. She had even started laughing like Ama and wheezing like her during asthmatic attacks.The change was so gradual, it did not escape either of them. Tara, now Ama’s spitting copy. Not in image. But in doing. That is who mothers and daughters are—they are each other. Without ever wanting to be.Some days, Tara is not so angry. And on those days, she reaches out with her hands to warm up Ama’s hands. Ama’s hands are a prettier, older version of Tara’s. But they are firm—calloused from years of caring.“Not a rupee for all the care work we do, us housewives!” yells Ama sometimes, after reading an article in the women’s column. After flinging the newspaper aside, off she goes and bends over the kitchen sink again.Ama.Some nights, when it rains, Tara is really cold. And she thinks it is the perfect excuse for her <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/editorial/the-republic-of-insomnia,3311" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">insomnia</a>. In the morning, she will tell Ama she did not sleep because it was too cold.Last night was cold. It rained like mad, like the rain would sweep away all of Kathmandu. Tara regretted not having enough bedclothes. Tara reminded herself that she must get her quilt out in the morning.When she woke up this morning, timorous rays of the sun had begun to steal into the house. Tara asked Ama where her quilt was. She said she had put it away.Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/letter-to-a-nepali-aunty/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Letter to a Nepali aunty</a>, Anjana RajbhandaryIt irritated Tara to think she would have to go through the ordeal of digging up through a pile of bedclothes to find her quilt. Because Ama had the habit of stowing everything within sight, away. She thought of it as a way of cleaning up the house. And memory.It was a while before Tara dug up her quilt.“I hate the sight of that thing,” Ama said, when her daughter finally managed to pull it out.The quilt, you see, was among the things Ama had bought Tara as her wedding presents. In those days, she was still young and strong so the two had walked through nooks and gallies of Ason, finally deciding on the quilt and then lugging it home all the way to Siuchatar, jumping on and off public vehicles.The cover had massive red and green floral prints. While Tara was married, it had kept her warm—in matrimony and in her loneliness. <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/nepals-unequal-marriages/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Marriage can mean many things</a>. It can be a trail of sighs, hours of tears, punctuated by laughter. Who knows what stays with one when trials are actually over. Not the words, but the essence of experiences.So, when Tara’s marriage ended, bundles of things that belonged to her were sent back to Ama’s home. The quilt was one of the things.Tara wanted to carry it to the terrace and spread it out, so it could soak some sun. But when she carried it up to the terrace, Ama was already there.“I hate the sight of it,” Ama murmured.“It’s alright. It’s mine. You don’t need to deal with hating it.”Tara walked past Ama to the corner of the terrace where pansies and petunias were still in bloom. So unlike this time of the year, Tara thought. Ama’s flowers, just as mad as her. The overnight rain had tampered with them. But they were still there. Withering away, but swaying gently every time the softest, post-rain breeze gathered at their stems.And Tara thought, “We are in spring.”Suburban Tales is a monthly column in Nepali Times based on real people (with some names changed) in Pratibha’s life.

Pratibha Tuladhar

Of anger and love

As some of you disgustingly young whippersnappers of reproductive age who tied the nuptial knots of holy matrimony during the human breeding season last month will no doubt attest, marriage is not just a popular card game in Nepal.The institution of marriage is a binding contract between a man and his in-laws under which the bride will provide all possible assistance to bring forth new human beings onto the planet in exchange for a Bajaj Pulsar motorcycle as a gift for hubby-boy.Those of you addicted to card games will soon realise that you are in familiar terrain because marriage is also a gamble. For instance, you could discover on your wedding night that the person you have chosen to be your lawfully wedded husband because he is the son of a mover-slash-shaker is as hairy as a yak, and snores like one.The perfect antidote to a spouse who snorts in his sleep is to learn to snore yourself so you can drown out the all-night nasal saxophone on the next pillow, and turn a solo concert into a duet.The Ass has been married for donkey’s years now, and has some unsolicited advice to all you newly-weds out there about the birds and the bees, and what they do in private. (At this point, all those below the minimum age for marriage are requested to surf TikTok on their mobiles.)The most important event of any marriage is the wedding party which takes place simultaneously with approximately 15,000 other parties in party palaces all over town, including the five-party coalition’s High Level Political Coordination Committee launch party, and the Nepal Bund by the Bigplop Party.The wedding night is the second most important event in the institution of marriage, and a time for couples to weigh their pros and cons and decide that, despite the armpit aroma, on the whole cohabitation is a good thing.In a marriage, one engages in the most intimate acts known to man: holding hands while watching the sunrise from Nagarkot, and sharing masks.For conjugal bliss, a marriage must be filled with love and passion, and one of the most romantic activities you can engage in is the mutual pleasure of squeezing each other’s zits under the winter sun.Because it’s like having a room-mate for life, a marriage is about compromise. Even after 20 years of marriage, for instance, it drives a wife nuts when her husband insists on taking a leak without lifting the seat in an upright position. So, as a compromise, she replaces the loo with a squatting toilet. This then drives the husband nuts.Since men and women are from different planets in the Solar System, there are things that start as minor irritants in conjugal life that can blow up into World War III. For example, some wives just can’t take it anymore that their husbands are incapable of screwing the cap back on after they squeeze the toothpaste.Great thing, marriage. Whoever invented it deserves a medal.

The Ass

Holy Matrimoney

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221110141132/636cfdb09c7e80680e0a0bfbjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="910" height="607"/><figcaption></figcaption></figure>A few months ago, a friend of mine finally left an unhappy marriage after years of struggle. Her husband was emotionally and mentally abusive, but she was expected to be patient and tolerant like a good Nepali wife and daughter-in-law. She also had to put up with his <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/Nepali-Times-Buzz/Cheating,2375" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">wandering ways</a>.When she mustered up enough courage to tell her parents about it, they told her he would change if she worked on her marriage. When her in-laws found out about her son, they blamed her, saying she was not a good enough wife.But after years of working on her marriage unsuccessfully, and with support from her parents, she decided it was time to <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/nation/%20number-of-nepali-women-filing-for-divorce-rises,1513" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">call it quits</a>. But this decision was met with harsh criticism, people called her an “embarrassment to the family” for leaving her husband.How is her walking away from an unhappy union and an abusive husband a disgrace to our culture, but not <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/Nepali-Times-Buzz/cheating-is-a-choice-not-a-mistake,2148" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">his cheating</a>? Why is she being called names, but her husband’s philandering does not even raise an eyebrow?Our society accepts these double standards with closed eyes. Men and boys get away with doing whatever they want, no one bats an eyelash. But if a woman or girl chooses to prioritise her well-being over ill-treatment in her own family, it is everyone’s business, she is labelled immoral and disrespectful of our culture or traditions.When her husband’s cheating and abuse of her was exposed, no one questioned him about disregarding the sanctity of the marriage or his lack of morality. But when she decided to pursue her happiness, she was called out for her lack of respect in ending a relationship after years of trying.How is this ethical or even logical? When men choose to stray, our society stays quiet and looks the other way, but when <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/latest/the-goal-is-empowerment-and-independence-of-women/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">women</a> try to stand up for themselves, they are met with societal threats and shamed.If it is strength and courage to tolerate injustice and abuse, why does anyone not talk about how wrong it is to cheat and mistreat others?What is more shocking is how some women choose to blame the woman instead of the man in these matters. How can they not feel the pain and suffering of women living in hell, but pretending to be happy?It was not easy for my friend to walk away, she knew her choosing to do so would be met with more obstacles and malicious rumours. So the least we can do if we do not support the women is to not make it harder for them.The <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/banner/parodying-patriarchy-at-tij/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Tij festival</a> is approaching and soon, women will be fasting for the long lives of their husbands. They are taught to treat their husbands like gods. But this is not how a god would behave. If we give that level of respect to men, they need to live up to it.Men are raised like they can do no wrong, and from a young age are taught that they are better than women. This is not the Middle Ages, and men need to learn to act responsibly. They need to control their egos, and learn that their actions and choices have consequences.Men might have got away with mistakes in the past, but not anymore. The world is changing and women are speaking up.Of course, not all men are like that and <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/coping-with-the-patriarchy/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">our society</a> knows right from wrong, but the selective discrimination between men and women is hypocritical and shameful in today’s time and world.The foundation of a strong and respectful society is not based on lies or hidden truths. We have to go a long way in terms of equality for all genders, but acknowledging the person at fault for the <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/Nepali-Times-Buzz/long-distance-marriages-cheating,2408" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">breakdown of a marriage</a> instead of a default setting to blame a woman is a good start.Society must learn to be kind to the women who have suffered. Do not berate them in the name of culture and tradition, but support them. Stand by them when they are standing up for themselves. Encourage them to seek happiness instead of continuing to suffer in an abusive relationship.Every woman who suffers in these loveless marriages is someone's daughter, sister and friend. Everyone deserves to be happy, and it is their life to live.My friend left her husband, and her parents supported her decision. She is a strong woman, she continues to struggle with unkind treatment. But I am proud of her, for her courage. I know it has not been easy on her, but she is happier.Anjana Rajbhandary writes this fortnightly Nepali Times column Life Time about mental health, physical health and socio-cultural issues.

Nepal’s unequal marriages

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedbc4b0ad905ca02ef00jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"/><figcaption>All photos: MONIKA DEUPALA</figcaption></figure>Before girls from the Newa community reach their puberty they are ceremonially 'married' to a holy fruit which is considered to be a symbol of Lord Vishnu.The ritual called <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/banner/bel-bibaha/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Ihi (or Bel bibaha</a> in Nepali) takes place when the girls are between 5-9 years old, and followed by Bahra (or Gufa)  in which the girls are again symbolically wedded to the Sun God.These rituals are performed to protect the girls from the stigma of widowhood as in Newa belief, which is why widows in this community do not have to bear the burden of being ostracised by the community even if their husbands pass away later in life -- they would still be married to the gods Vishnu and Sun.During <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/blogs/mycity/2017/11/22/bel-bibaha/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Ihi ceremony</a>, girls are also bonded in what is called ‘meet laune’ wherein a pair of young girls become friends for life, however this practice has now become less common over time.<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedc04b0ad905ca02ef01jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1366"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedc24b0ad905ca02ef02jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedc64b0ad905ca02ef03jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedc94b0ad905ca02ef04jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedcc4b0ad905ca02ef05jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedcf4b0ad905ca02ef06jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedd24b0ad905ca02ef07jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109191112/636bedd54b0ad905ca02ef08jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>On Sunday, 190 girls from Newa community in Bhaktapur gathered for the ceremony that was strictly monitored by local scouts who were there to manage the crowd and enforce physical separation and only the family members and close relatives were allowed in the premises.All participating girls wore masks with their traditional attire and jewellery.

Kathmandu marks 'Ihi' with a difference

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6ac9c7e80680e0877b7jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"/><figcaption>All photos: MONIKA DEUPALA</figcaption></figure>Before girls from the Newa community reach their puberty they are ceremonially 'married' to a holy fruit which is considered to be a symbol of Lord Vishnu.The ritual called <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/banner/bel-bibaha/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Ihi (or Bel bibaha</a> in Nepali) takes place when the girls are between 5-9 years old, and followed by Bahra (or Gufa)  in which the girls are again symbolically wedded to the Sun God.These rituals are performed to protect the girls from the stigma of widowhood as in Newa belief, which is why widows in this community do not have to bear the burden of being ostracised by the community even if their husbands pass away later in life -- they would still be married to the gods Vishnu and Sun.During <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/blogs/mycity/2017/11/22/bel-bibaha/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Ihi ceremony</a>, girls are also bonded in what is called ‘meet laune’ wherein a pair of young girls become friends for life, however this practice has now become less common over time.<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6af9c7e80680e0877b8jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1366"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6b39c7e80680e0877b9jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6b69c7e80680e0877bajpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6ba9c7e80680e0877bbjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6bd9c7e80680e0877bcjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6c19c7e80680e0877bdjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6c49c7e80680e0877bejpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221109181140/636be6c89c7e80680e0877bfjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1364"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>On Sunday, 190 girls from Newa community in Bhaktapur gathered for the ceremony that was strictly monitored by local scouts who were there to manage the crowd and enforce physical separation and only the family members and close relatives were allowed in the premises.All participating girls wore masks with their traditional attire and jewellery.

<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a656e9c7e80680e05992ajpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"/>Girls from the Newa community in Nepal get married at least three times in their lifetime. The first ceremony called Bel Bibaha (‘Ihi’) is where pre-adolescent girls are married symbolically to a bael fruit (wood apple). The wild fruit is considered a symbol of the Lord Vishnu.Bel Bibaha is followed by Bahra, where girls are again married to the Sun God. The ritual is practiced before the girl hits puberty or before her first menstrual period.According to Newa belief, a woman is not considered a widow even if her husband passes away later in life since they would still be married to the gods Vishnu and Sun.Photojournalist Monika Deupala brings us glimpses of the lively and colourful Ihi ceremony held in Bhaktapur this week.<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65719c7e80680e05992bjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2106" height="1404"><figcaption>All photos: MONIKA DEUPALA</figcaption></figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65749c7e80680e05992cjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2106" height="1404"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65779c7e80680e05992djpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a657a9c7e80680e05992ejpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a657d9c7e80680e05992fjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2106" height="1404"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65809c7e80680e059930jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65849c7e80680e059931jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a65879c7e80680e059932jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a658a9c7e80680e059933jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2520" height="1680"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151116/636a658d9c7e80680e059934jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2106" height="1404"><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221108151120/636a65909c7e80680e059935jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1000">Read also: <a style="background-color: #ffffff; font-size: 15px; letter-spacing: 0.01em;" href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/Nepali-Times-Buzz/saparu-the-festival-of-death-and-rebirt,2543" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Saparu</a>, Sonia Awale

Bel Bibaha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V1x6nUgo9g&amp;feature=youtu.beEver since Nepal’s founding king <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=6592#.XVUiCuMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Prithvi Narayan Shah</a> described the nation state he forged as a garden of 4 castes and 36 ethnicities, besides considering themselves ‘Nepali’ most people have also kept a distinct sense of sub-national identity.The Muluki Ain of 1854 defined this social hierarchy, and the 2011 <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=8616#.XVUpheMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">census</a> lists all 125 castes and ethnic groups, forming the basis on which the new <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/blogs/thebrief/2015/09/20/peoples-constitution/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Constitution</a> defines Nepal’s <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=15798#.XVUpPuMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reservation policies</a> for the civil service, government and Parliament. But with an increase in inter-ethnic marriages producing an even more multicultural society, there may be a need to redefine ethnicity as the country becomes even more diverse.“Growing up, my most cherished memories are visiting my grandparents from both sides of my family and being exposed to diverse beliefs, traditions and food,” recalls Rubeena Mahato, who has a Maithili father and Newar mother. “The two ethnic backgrounds merged seamlessly without one undermining the other.”But despite embracing her dual heritage and being raised in a household with no concept of caste hierarchy or religious superiority, and taught to respect people regardless of their ethnicity, Mahato says society kept her in a box as she grew up. (See box story below)Mahato recalls that the first question she was asked at school was about her caste and ethnicity. As children who didn’t know better, her classmates made assumptions based on what they had seen their parents do. Mahato was seen only as a Madhesi, leading her to feel self-doubt over her Newar identity. While she embraced her duality, her peers and teachers did not.<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022110814110/636a53aa9c7e80680e052362jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1400" height="933"/><figcaption>INTERETHNIC LOVE: Prime Minister KP Oli presents rhododendron blossoms to his wife Radhika Shakya on 21 February during Kalu Pande Diwas in Dahachok. Pic: Krishna Paudel</figcaption></figure>The caste and ethnic categorisation in the Muluki Ain and a rigid perception of identity pose obstacles for Nepalis who want to adopt their hybrid identities. <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=16478#.XVUm4uMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Seira Tamang</a> is a political scientist whose research focuses on social exclusion. She says, “Regardless of how people might choose their ethnic and other identities, society at large will see and treat them according to the <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=7872#.XVUqB-MzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">singular homogenised identity and strata of the Muluki Ain.”</a>Historian <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=11936#.XVUmpeMzbIV" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Pratyoush Onta</a> of Martin Chautari says Nepalis have three types of responses to multiethnic identities: embracing their hybrid ethnic identity, reasserting one ethnic identity while rejecting the other, or identifying themselves only as Nepali. Keeping a single ethnic identity as long as it abides by the ongoing patrilineal system aligns with the current perception of ethnic identity, but there is social and political confusion for many like Mahato who want to preserve their hybrid ethnic identity.<a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=13361#.XVUnpOMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Mahendra Lawoti</a>, professor of political science at Western Michigan University, who has written extensively on Nepal’s reservation policies, says, “Ethnic identity is not just shaped by the individual’s perception of themselves, but also society’s recognition of them. Ethnic identity, to some extent, is a social construct.”Indeed, the ethnicity of a person in Nepal is still largely determined by the father’s lineage. But this can lead to even more confusion over the freedom of women to change their ethnic identity and surname with marriage and the matter of reservation policies.Besides a mandatory quota for women in government and civil service, there is also <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=4140#.XVUosOMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">affirmative action</a> for indigenous people, Dalits and other ethnicities. But as marriages create more <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=12561#.XVUoO-MzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">multiethnic identities</a> and a weaker attachment to a single ethnicity, the future of the <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=15753#.XVUn0OMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reservation policy</a> comes into question.“The reservation policy should be reflective of society and should respond to changes in the social dynamic,” says Lawoti. “The state does not recognise multiethnic individuals, but it should respond to this new reality.”However, whether offspring of inter-ethnic marriages will seek to assert their hybrid identity, or take up one or other of their parental identity is also uncertain. Some may prefer to assume the identity of their Dalit or indigenous parent rather than their 'higher caste' parent in order to benefit from reservation.Lawoti and Onta both agree that policies should be more flexible to accommodate multiethnic individuals. different caste or ethnicity. Women should be allowed to either keep their birth surname or change it to their husband’s, but if they are allowed to change when it fits their immediate purpose, the system perpetuates unfairness.“Women should be allowed to change their ethnic identity when they get married but not to simply abuse the system,’’ says Lawoti. In Nepal’s patriarchal society, even with inter-ethnic marriages there is a tendency for wives to adopt the customs, traditions and culture of her husband’s ethnicity, forgoing her own. Children are raised with the culture of their father’s ethnicity. When doing so, the ethnic background of women erodes and hybrid identities are less likely to be formed.However, with greater geographical mobility, the spread of education, and people moving out of historical ethnic enclaves, there are more possibilities of mixed ethnicities. Politician Tripple P Gurung and journalist Ramyata Limbu raise their children with a fusion of ethnic customs and practices. Both Gurung and Limbu traditions are preserved flexibly within the home – a trend that many families with inter-ethnic marriages now practice.Basantapur of Sunsari district in eastern Nepal is perhaps one of the most multicultural, multilingual and multiethnic villages in Nepal. Anthropologist Chudamani Basnet researched inter-marriage in the town and found that although <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=19885#.XVUo3eMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Janjatis</a> have been intermarrying people from higher caste groups, there were none of the expected cultural conflicts.A Limbu woman married to a Giri man found that as they had migrated away from their families and were more economically independent, they faced very little inter-ethnic conflicts.However, not all such marriages are accepted. 'Higher caste' people who have married Dalits, for instance, are <a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=15947#.XVUuxuMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">routinely ostracised</a> by their own community. Sometimes couples who have crossed caste or ethnic lines to elope have been publicly taunted, beaten, or driven out of their villages.Basnet attributes much of the opposition to the loss of cultural heritage and language. “Inter-marriage was made possible by a common language, Nepali, which has facilitated interaction between people of different ethnic groups, but at the cost of their mother tongues,” he adds.As offspring of inter-ethnic marriages create and practice their own fusion customs, some of the distinct cultural and linguistic attributes of the original ethnic groups tend to erode. The future of hybrid identities with the current social and political state of Nepal is therefore uncertain, even though Prime Minister KP Oli and his wife Radhika Shakya, and other senior politicians, themselves have married across ethnicities.Inter-ethnic marriages in Nepal came in waves. During the Panchayat, many underground Communist leaders, like KP Oli, developed relationships with young women in the households where they rented rooms, or in the neighbourhoods of inner city Patan and Kathmandu. During the National Development Service, college graduates were mandatorily required to serve a year in rural areas, and got married to locals. The third wave was during the conflict, when Maoist guerrillas could get married with the party's consent. Today, education, mobility and connectivity have unleashed a new wave of inter ethnic marriages.Uncertainty is also perpetuated by the lack of data regarding inter-ethnic marriages. The Department of National ID and Civil Registration refused this paper’s repeated requests to release data of inter-ethnic marriages or to comment on the trend, citing issues of privacy and discrimination.Regardless, Nepal is celebrated as a multicultural, multilingual and multiethnic nation, characteristics that have been embedded in the Constitution. But while the country as a whole may have a rich ethnic diversity, it is also becoming a new melting pot.Read Also:<a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=11202#.XVUid-MzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Happily ever after,</a> Shraddha Basnya<a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=15581#.XVUideMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Caste no bar,</a> Kong Yen Lin<a href="Nepal,%20an%20emerging%20rainbow%20nation" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Nepal, an emerging rainbow nation,</a> Rubeena Mahato<a href="http://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=15775#.XVUjneMzbIU" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Nepal's mutli-ethnic future,</a> Shyam Shrestha<h2>Tharu-Tamang</h2><figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022110814110/636a53ad9c7e80680e052363jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1400" height="1050"><figcaption> </figcaption></figure>Suksari Chaudhary was in her early 20s and working in a garment factory in Kathmandu Valley when she met Chhewan Lama. Amidst the hum of sewing machines and heaps of fabric scraps, the two fell in love.They went their separate ways, but five years later they both found jobs in a school in Lalitpur and got married soon after. Although she is Tharu and he is Tamang, the wedding ceremony reflected neither culture but was performed using Brahmin rituals.“I think it was easier for us to have an inter-ethnic marriage because both our parents were no longer with us and our other relatives also had inter-ethnic marriages,” says Chaudhary. Lama’s parents and Chaudhary’s father had passed away years before they met.The only time they faced any difficulty over their mixed marriage was when they returned to Lama’s home in Kavre for the first time after getting married. She recalls, “At first, his extended families didn’t really understand why he had married a Tharu.” But when Chaudhary was asked to sit in a traditional Tamang puja by Lama’s family, she felt welcomed and accepted. It was rare for a conservative family to allow a person from another ethnic background to worship with them.A year after their marriage, Lama and Chaudhary had a daughter, who grew up in a multiethnic household. She is now 22, and Chaudhary regrets not teaching her daughter Tharu customs, just as she herself never had the chance to learn about her heritage. As the only Tharu family in a predominantly Brahmin/Chhetri area, as a girl she was only familiar with the customs and practices of the ‘higher caste’ community.Today, the family has added other rituals to their celebrations. For example, during Dasain, they put white tika on each other in the evening as per Tamang custom. Lama says, “When we were raising our daughter, we neither raised her strictly as a Tharu nor a Tamang. She is a combination of both and a product of an interlaced family.”<h2>Maithil-Newar</h2><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022110814110/636a53b09c7e80680e052364jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="800" height="843">Growing up in a Maithil-Newar household, Rubeena Mahato embraced her colourful and multicultural heritage, celebrating both Rakshya bandhan and Bhaitika with Newari mandaps and eating Mithila dishes like thekuwa, khajuriya and daal puri during Chath and delicious yomaris during Newar Lapte bhoye bhoj. “My dual heritage merged seamlessly and they always have,” says Mahato.From a young age, Mahato was taught to respect everyone regardless of their ethnic or caste background. But she did not always receive the same treatment from others, and witnessed others get harassed because of their heritage.“Because of my upbringing, it was inconceivable for me to engage in ‘othering’ and exclusion, or to suffer it. I remember arguing with my friends over it and refusing to participate. Over the years, there have been multiple occasions where I have had to lecture perfectly educated young people for using caste slurs. Most are embarrassed, some are quite taken aback and some refuse to introspect. But I know that we cannot let such behaviour go unchallenged.”Now living in the US with her husband, Mahato remembers: “Our home is a riot of colours, tastes and flavours from our various heritages. What could be more Nepali than that?”

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Bel Bibaha

Nepal is turning into a nation of hybrid identities