The Mad Tea Party

Till press time the Ass has not yet got an invite from the CP for the Bad Shah's birthday bash. Hint, hint.

Two thousand people are invited for the Saturday party at Naryanhiti and they have been told to come in colour-coded national dress and are allocated tent numbers. All this must make them rather nostalgic for the good old days. Which pal you are in will decide your position in Kathmandu's pecking order. On second thought, not getting invited means one doesn't have to decide whether to go or not and make an ass of oneself.

Either way, avoid the palace perimeter on Friday and Saturday when various republican-minded groups are sure to be blocking the entrance to the Mad Tea Party singing "happy unbirthday to you". The pro-king Flat Earth Society is staging a rally from Ratna Park to Mahendra Manjil braving brickbats to offer Kingji bouquets. They are hailing the king as a Saviour of Democracy and a Hero of the Hindoos. That should give Gyan quite a kick.

Meanwhile, the Maoist leadership, especially the conjoined comrades Awesomeji and Laldhojji, are reportedly prolonging their jet-setting junkets so they don't have to take any awkward decisions this weekend. They are all making up for lost time gaining valuable exposure to the luxuries of executive class travel and VIP sendoffs. This is important since His Fierceness has announced he will be president in two years, max, and we want him to hit the ground running.

The comrades did some sightseeing in Berne, but instead of taking the funicular train to the Eiger lookout, it was a pilgrimage to the house where Lenin lived while in exile in Switzerland. The Ass can understand El Presidente wanting to go there, but why did Bhim Rawal and Shekhar Koirala have to tag along? Our good friend Gunther is giving the delegation an immersion course in Swiss democracy and federalism. Maybe he should also tell them that less than 30 percent of Swiss bother to vote in their frequent referenda. Farang election experts should stop insisting on a high turnout in November polls since us wise Asses know from experience that is actually a sign of vote-buying, booth-capturing, ballot-stuffing, and other hankypanky.

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Now that election dates have been announced, brace yourselves for a tsunami of seminars over the monsoon. Himalaya Hotel's conference rooms are booked till September, the Hack and Yeti has standing room only, Chez Caroline has become an UNMIN canteen and the UN's air force here urgently needs anti-collision TCAS devices.

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The Ass will be giving away Splurge Awards from hereon till November and this week's prize goes to the UN granting two million dollars to the BBC Trust to conduct election education via radio. We Nepalis make a mess of a lot of things, but if there is one sector in which we can safely toot our own trumpet it is in radio. Nepal's network of FM stations are already well-geared for voter education. In fact they're already doing it through their lively phone-ins and studio discussions without anyone dishing out any dough using poor, ignorant Nepalis as an excuse.

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After a year-long delay, the announcement of ambassadorships is imminent. Drum rolls. President Awesome and Giri-raja Koirala have stitched it up pretty nicely.

The Maoists originally wanted an A-Grade country like India, China, Russia and even the United States. But when the Chinese, Indians and Americans made it known that wasn't such a good idea President-for-Life Prachanda settled for France and Denmark. The comrades are smart, though, instead of putting forth names of card-carrying cadre as candidates they are nominating sympathetic sidekicks. This is probably when civil society stalwarts will get to reap rewards for serving as the Party's mouth organs.

ass@nepalitimes.com