First the bad news. The planet is on the verge of climate collapse with the mass extinction of species, including us hupersons. We are now four minutes closer to midnight in the nuclear doomsday clock. And if these two disasters were not enough to finish us all off once and for all, it looks like there is a 50-50 chance that an asteroid will hit the Earth in the next million years or so.
Now, the good news: the government will lift the ban on imported liquor in the new year. That is the kind of glad tidings we had hoped for this holiday season to lift up our spirits so we can see the goblet as half full.
But as if things were not already bleak enough, we are swamped with hate mail of late for all the gloom and doom in these pages. Here is one that just came in:
Dear Sir:&nbsp;
I don't know why I am addressing you as 'Sir' when I know for a fact that you are an Ass, and have never to my knowledge been knighted. You could also not be a Sir at all, but a Ladies, in which case, I beg your pardon. But let's presume for sake of argument, that you are indeed a knight of the male persuasion. So what? I am writing to take umbrage at all the negative stuff in your paper. How come you have nothing nice to say about us in government? Do you always have to see the dark lining in every silver cloud? Do you know how difficult it is for us personally every time we pass an ordnance granting blanket amnesty to those accused of war crimes? You better stop censoring the good news about the great work of this Coalition Government with immediate effect, otherwise I am personally going to see to it that the President awards you a medal on New Year’s Day.
- Department of Miscommunication
If you say so. Here is one item of good news that somehow didn’t make it to the news lineup:
No Need To Panic: Govt&nbsp;
The outgoing government has assured citizens that despite the country’s economy going down the tubes there is no need to panic because it is also the incoming government, and we have a head of government who has the most experience being prime minister.
“We have everything under control. We are lifting the ban on imported liquor,” the Minister for Misinformation, who lost the election, told mediapersons. “There is no reason for alarm right now, we will let you know when it is time to panic.”
Meanwhile, the UN has declared Nepal to be the most successful failed state in the world. The Minister was ecstatic: “This is a great honour, but we cannot rest on our laurels. We must rest on our sofas, and go back to sleep.”

The Ass

Glad tidings

There are alternative truths and it is our duty to objectively report them as well. But, as they taught us in Morale Science class: to err is humane, and forgiveness is the devil’s workshop — or words to that effect.
Which is why when we know we have made an error of judgement, or got our facts wrong, our journalistic Code of Ethics and Press Council rules mandate us to lie low, hope no one noticed, and slyly correct it in the online version.
No erratum is too small to be correctum. It may be a small typo or it could be a major gaffe like mixing up the name of a notorious smuggler with the name Minister of Finance, but we make it a point to set the record straight, warn the unsuspecting public, say sorry, and learn from our mistake so that we can go on to make even bigger blunders in future.
Let us acknowledge that one cannot live life to the fullest without making mistakes, so let us go boldly forth and commit major faux pas, déjà vu and je ne sais quoi. The important thing is to make it a point to rectify the errata retroactively, like these corrections of recent errors in this paper:
* Our Editorial team cannot not make head or tail of the power struggle in the ruling coalition, which is why we goofed up on the name of the prime minister in our op-ed, and referred to him as Sher Kamal Dahal. As everyone knows, the current prime minister’s name is actually the Right Horrible Pushpa Bahadur Deuba. We offer our sincere apologies to both prime ministers.
<ul>
 <li>We have learnt that a headline in last week’s edition of this paper that read ‘PKD Is a Chinese Stooge’ may have caused offence to Comrade Awesome of the Communist of Party of Nepal (Centrist Maoists). The headline should have read ‘PKD Is an Indian Stooge’.</li>
 <li>We have received a complaint from Prof (Dr) Chintamani Ghoos that a list of CIA deep penetration agents in the upper echelons of the Nepal government in our expose based on Wikileaks last week left out his name. We regret the omission. - Ed</li>
 <li>Deeply sorry that the headline ‘Nepal Badly Beaten’ caused Comrade Madhav Kumar Nepal of the Communist Party-goers of Nepal (US) deep anguish. The news item was actually about the ongoing One Day International Match of Tri-series under the ICC Cricket World Cup League-II in Windhoek in which Nepal was bowled out for a paltry 140 runs in 40 overs.</li>
 <li>The Ass regrets that several readers have needed hospital treatment for taking literally a recent column that advised drinking Kathmandu tap water as a guaranteed way to lose weight. Hope you have your shit together now. Any incontinence is regretted.</li>
</ul>
Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/self-driving-in-kathmandu/">Self-driving in Kathmandu</a>, Ass
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Errata, etc

Indeed, it will be a huge relief to us who have been driven up the wall by Kathmandu’s anarchic traffic not to have to do the actual driving ourselves anymore. However, the robotic cars with artificial intelligence will need a steep learning curve to be able to take on everything that Kathmandu’s streets have to offer.
We have to recognise, however, that these autonomous autos are programmed for western civilisation, and may have to be reformatted and rebooted to adapt to our road culture.
For example, a driverless car may have been instructed by its maker never to honk. Well, in Nepal, honking is an important part of the precaution we have to take for road safety to make ourselves seen and heard. Traffic Police tried to enforce the no-honking rule once, but gave up when vehicles started bumping into each other. The Almighty in his/her/its/their infinite wisdom equipped cars with horns, and we should follow the polite instruction at the back of trucks to ‘Horn Please’.
The driverless car can be fined Rs6,000 and/or face a 6 month jail sentence if it fails to honk unnecessarily at Baneswor intersection — unless, of course, the robot driver can be programmed to offer a bribe to the office on duty there.
Everywhere else in the world, driverless cars automatically slow down at zebra crossings in order to let pedestrians cross. We can do away with this feature in Kathmandu because (a) the zebras are not there anymore since the white paint is gone, and (b) drivers in Nepal are not longer required to stop at non-existent zebra crossings and it is the robotic car’s responsibility to accelerate and beat pedestrians trying to illegally cross the road before they get to the other side.
Similarly, the straight yellow centreline is just a suggestion, and the smart car has to learn to also drive on the right side of the road, even if it is the wrong side.
Machine-learning and AI will help self-driving cars to deal with street fauna that roam Kathmandu’s streets. Driverless vehicles will find out the hard way that the oxen at Chabahil interaction serve as bovine traffic islands in order to ensure the smooth flow of traffic. Do NOT try to run them down because the computer driving the car can face life imprisonment.
The introduction of driverless vehicles in Nepal will coincide with Google Maps introducing information on traffic jams. This is helpful, but the auto auto will have to relearn the rules governing the only working traffic light in Kathmandu. GREEN means: FAST; AMBER means FASTER; and RED means FASTEST.
Even though an autonomous vehicle does not have a driver, rules are rules and the car will have to pass a driving test at Putali Sadak. The trick is to fail the test because following the rules is dangerous when no one else is following them.
It is also important for the non-driver to learn that in the city a blinking right side light means the vehicle in question &nbsp;is thinking of turning right but isn't sure, it could be left. On highways: blinking the right signal means the car behind can overtake even if there is a hairpin bend ahead.
While stationary, a right sidelight means I am illegally parked in a no-parking zone, but I'm pretending I'm not parked, just gone in for a takeout from Kalinchok Sekuwa Corner and Bar.

Self-driving in Kathmandu

There is no question that Kathmandu has now become unliveable, and we need to think about moving. There is a proposal to relocate the capital so that we can make another part of the country unliveable.Over the years, there have been various proposals about where to relocate. Chitwan was the most obvious choice, given its central location along the East-West Highway, and the possibility of having rhinos roaming the streets instead of cows.Some geographers have proposed Pokhara as the new capital, since it now has an international airport. The only problem being that Pokhara’s urban chaos already resembles Kathmandu’s, and the capital may have to be moved again if we relocate it there.Like Brasilia and Naypyitaw, Nepal could also find a completely new place and build another capital from scratch. We have made some preliminary inquiries, and it looks like the Khumbu Glacier may not be such a bad place. With the climate crisis, it will no longer be too cold up there, and Nepal can go into the Guinness Book as having the capital with the highest elevation in the world. (New tourism slogan: ‘Go To Nepal, Get High’)There are other options:<ul> 	<li>Since the people of the landfill site at Banchare Danda do not want Kathmandu’s trash and have refused our refuse, we can move Kathmandu to Banchare Danda. It is close by, and no one will notice because both places are already garbage dumps.</li> 	<li>One of Kathmandu’s problems is that we have run out of water. Instead of bringing water from Melamchi through an expensive tunnel that could be knocked out of action again, how about we move Kathmandu to Melamchi, right to the source of the water?</li> 	<li>Manang. Since the trans-Himalayan district is now a bastion of the ruling Nepali Congress, it makes perfect political sense to locate the capital in a place with friends in high places. Ministers commute by mule.</li> 	<li>Shifting Kathmandu to Kalapani would allow us to legitimise our claim to the East Bank of the Kali River, and we could also be so far from everything that no one will bother us anymore.</li> 	<li>Relocate Nepal's capital to New Delhi since everything's being decided there anyway.</li></ul>If we do move Kathmandu away from Kathmandu, the question then arises what do we do with the Kathmandu we have? Good point. Luckily for you The Ass already has a clever plan: build a high dam at Chobhar and return Kathmandu Valley to what it was before Manjushree hastily cleft the mountain with his mighty sword without conducting a proper Environment Impact Assessment.The reservoir thus formed would meet all of Nepal’s power needs, and have enough leftover to export to India. Just have to make sure we don’t involve any Chinese contractors.This plan has other benefits: it would solve Kathmandu Metropolitan City’s problems of overcrowding, air pollution and garbage by completely submerging the city. We would also be solving the problem of government corruption because Singha Darbar would go underwater.

Relocating Kathmandu

The Chief Election Commissar is a busy hombre these days. With the intention of cracking down on violations of the election Code of Conduct, he is tied up firing off  letters demanding explanations from candidates found to be contravening guidelines. In fact, he has been so busy issuing clarifications that he has no time to enforce any of them.In order to help the EC to remind candidates and parties about the dos and don’ts of election campaigning, the Ass assists by recapping below some of the salient points of Clause 46(1) of the Election Commission Act:Don’t: Character assassination on social media is banned with immediate effect. Candidates are advised to also desist from actual assassination of rivals.Do: Under Nepal’s democratic system, mass murderers, plunderers, pillagers, rapists and those accused of other minor offences can campaign openly in broad daylight hours.Don’t: Candidates who have partaken meeting allowances in the past 40 years are barred from either standing or running in elections.Do: Those who have embezzled billions in airport contracts, telecom licenses or in inaugurating highways that never got built may hit the campaign trail along those same non-existent highways.Don’t: It has come to the EC’s notice that a certain candidate wore a baseball cap with his party’s election symbol during a rally in Gorkha-2. The Commissar has asked the candidate in question to furnish an appropriate clarification within 24 hours, failing which the aforementioned cap will be confiscated forthwith.Do: Candidates from the ruling 5-party collision, may be draped with 25 kg marigold garlands provided they are not allergic to pollen.Don’t: The EC takes umbrage at the #NoNotAgain campaign, saying the hashtag contains a double negative that could confuse voters.Do: Even so, established parties are allowed to embellish, exaggerate, falsify, fake, tamper, or lie about their achievements during the last 30 years in office on Facebook and TikTok as long as the jingle has a catchy tune. To set an example, the EC posted on YouTube a melodious song composed by its own talented storekeeper exhorting Nepalis to vote.Don’t: Candidates are not allowed to have stickers with party symbols at the back of the cars that they have hired from Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.Do: But the Firstest Lady is allowed to threaten voters to cast ballots only for a Better Half who flies in on a helicopter.Don’t: Candidates found ringing temple bells will be given a stern warning about noise pollution. If they insist on ringing out the old and ring in the new, they will be rusticated on the spot. Playing madal or other traditional percussion instruments is in contravention of the Election Code of Conduct Article (13), Clause (1) and Sub-clause (d).Do: Parties are allowed to use fleets of Boleros to blare their anthems through loudspeakers. The Co-Finance Minister can take part in a Tharu Peacock Dance even if he is making an ass of himself.

Election dos and don’ts

You may not have noticed, but things in Nepal are getting better and better each passing day. Every day in every way, things are improving. And that is mainly because we hit rock bottom, and now there is nowhere to go but up.The other fantastic aspect of living here is that no matter how bad things get, Nepalis don’t waste their time unnecessarily worrying about it. That is because we know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is another locomotive heading our way.The Nepal Oil Corruption may have just increased fuel prices even as the cost of a barrel of crude in the international market has come down, but we don’t complain. No sir, it is not in our national character. We just go and fill up our tanks because the grabberment might hike up the price again effective midnight tonight.Our philosophy is: the situation is soon going to get much worse, so be happy while things are still relatively better. This is why Nepal consistently ranks as the happiest country in South Asia in The World Happiness Index, beating even Bhutan under the reign of His Majesty King Jigme the Overjoyed.No doubt, social scientists are working on PhDs to determine the scientific basis of what exactly it is that makes us Nepalis such a cheerful lot. But the Ass has his own peer-reviewed conclusions:<ul> 	<li>We are not unnecessary risk takers and will elect a prime minister seven times over because the Asstrologer General said so, and even though he (the PM) is a clown.</li> 	<li>We don’t find the overhead tangle of wires at a electricity pole Indra Chok ugly because it shows we are the most wired nation on Earth.</li> 	<li>Nepal has the most holidays in a year of any country in the world. In October we enjoyed two full weeks off — not counting Chhath and weekends. The fact that the Land Registration Office was closed for so long automatically meant we didn’t have to bribe anyone. Nepal also has five Happy New Year Holidays, the highest per capita in the world.</li> 	<li>We always see a silver lining even if there is no dark cloud.</li> 	<li>Whenever we start lamenting that Nepal is the most politically unstable country in the world, we can remind ourselves that Britain just had three prime ministers in three months, and four finance ministers in four months.</li> 	<li>Nepalis will never do today what can be accomplished next week.</li> 	<li>Our problems may seem intractable, but it is reassuring to see that there are bigger problems in the wider world like nuclear annihilation and planet-wide climate collapse.</li> 	<li>Nepalis instinctively know that they would be miserable if there was nothing left to complain about. Thank goodness we have inept leaders, crooked baboodom, stinky rivers, highways that are falling apart. Can’t imagine if everything worked. We would be so depressed.</li> 	<li>Happily, we are just happy to sit around to grumble about how much happier we could be.</li> 	<li>The grass may be greener in Australia, but our grass gives a better high.</li></ul>Read also:<a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/holier-than-thou/"> Holier than thou</a>, Ass

Why Nepalis are so happy

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022111414114/63723cf99c7e80680e0c9649jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1337"/><figcaption>Illustration: DIWAKAR CHHETRI</figcaption></figure>Even as the entire nation gets ready for another week of holidays this month, we have to grudgingly accept that Tihar is a discriminatory festival in which some animals are treated more equally than others.Only crows, cattle, pooches and half-elephants are deemed holy enough to be worshiped next week. Not fair. What about the rest of the animule kingdom? Why leave out pangolins? Is there any reason a gnu isn’t god? How come crow is holier than vulture? The ancient Egyptians had feline goddesses, yet Catmandu’s cats do not make the grade to be venerated. Who made these rules anyway?Such politically incorrect speciesism has crept into other aspects of our everyday life. For example, during the monsoon it only 'rains cats and dogs', not trouts and salamanders. Only a bull is deemed worthy of being taken by the horns in a china shop. Mules are stigmatised as stubborn, whereas beavers are extolled as being eager.And what really gets my goat every time Tihar comes around is that the psycho mutt who terrorises our neighbourhood and keeps us awake all night by barking at the Universe gets to be garlanded and fed treats on Monday even though he is such an ass whole.I hereby, henceforth and hereinafter propose to form a political pressure group in the next  Parliament to ensure a fairer and more inclusive Tihar under the new Constitution so that this country’s canine elite is stripped of its divine right to monopolise being man’s best friend forever.As a start, we could begin by cleaning up the English language of all speciesist figures of speech so that no animal is demeaned or diminished, or its feelings hurt ever again. We should purge the language of all animal similes that belittle them, and find alternatives.For example, when we say that current campaigning for elections in November is moving at a ‘snail’s pace’, are we not being judgemental about the velocity of slug locomotion? Think of what an insult it is to stallions in general and Wolf Blitzer in particular when we say that delegates at the Baddie party convention were ‘wolfing down the hors d’oeuvres’. And in describing coalition politics as a ‘can of worms’ we have to be sensitive about offending our age-old grassroots  heritage of vermiculture.Let us replace speciesist language with more politically correct formulations:WRONG: Sher Bahadur Deuba’s fifth term as prime minister is proof that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.CORRECT: If Sher Bahadur Deuba is prime minister for a sixth time, we can be sure the country will go to the dogs. Yay!WRONG: Only those candidates willing to lick the ass of the party president got tickets to contest elections this time.CORRECT: The party president has been a visionary statesman for donkey’s ears.WRONG: The Finance Minister has set aside a lion’s share of the budget in allocations that benefit his cronies.CORRECT: Leopards are generally satisfied with the location of their spots and will not change them even if forced by the Supreme Court.

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Holier than thou

So, it seems Non-Resident Nepalis will now get the same facilities as Nepalis-in-residence. Which begs the question: if Nepalihood was such a sought after commodity, why did they leave Nepal in the first place?But it is a rare and clever move by GONe to tap diaspora dollars by allowing ex-Nepalis to avail of the same privileges as citizens, as per the ancient pre-Vedic saying: "NRN is God". (We checked with the Gods, and they have no objections to the slogan.)The Department of Immigration will open a special fast-track NRN Desk at Kathmandu Airport so that foreigners of Nepali origin don't have to queue up like real Nepalis just returning from four years of blood, sweat and tears in the Gulf.If all goes according to plan, overseas Nepalis will now be able to buy property, pay the same air fares as locals, and violate traffic rules in Kathmandu that they would never dream of breaking in their adopted countries. We should now also allow alien Nepalis to vote, and declare their candidacies for the November federal elections. We should allow anyone to run for office, since Nepalis in Nepal have made such a mess of things. And if they win, NRNs can run Nepal on a Build Own Operate Transfer (BOOT) scheme for 25 years, provided they pay the requisite bribes.Given the desire of un-resident Nepalis to return to Nepal, and the rate at which resident Nepalis are migrating to Australia, pretty soon there will be only two types of Nepalis in the world:<ol> 	<li>Non-resident Nepalis who want to permanently reside inside Nepal</li> 	<li>Nepalis who want to permanently reside outside Nepal</li></ol>That will balance things out, and why it makes perfect sense to remove distinctions and restrictions so that all Nepalis, whatever their country of domicile, will henceforth be treated as natives. And once they get elected to office, they can turn the Motherland around, and hand it back to us in an as-where-was condition.NRN investors will also bring much-needed foreigner currencies to help Nepal’s economy. However, there are certain sensitive sectors which GONe must exclude from outside investors to protect domestic industry: Defence, Aerospace, Breweries, Instant Noodles, Brick Kilns, Party Palaces, and Palm Oil import-export. These are industries where residing Nepalis have already staked their claim, and any further competition would benefit consumers and therefore cannot be permitted.But certain exceptions can be made, and the government is now set to approve NRN applications to set up the following industries, and will assist in lining up venture capital soft-credit financing for them:<ul> 	<li>White Elephant Technical University for Overseas Overseers </li></ul>“Make others drool by learning to build your own white elephant” <ul> 	<li>Bow-Wow! Dog Yak Chew</li></ul>“It’s my treat.” <ul> 	<li>Kinky Cheese Curl Industries </li></ul>“Nepal's Most-Nutritious Junk Food”<ul> 	<li>Monkey Business Export-Import, Inc.  </li></ul>“We provide one-way tickets to the US for qualified rhesus monkeys and their spouses for research purposes"

Un-resident Nepalis

Comrade Janardan announced a hefty increase in all kinds of taxes in his budget speech to Parliament. The grabberment cannot function without revenue, and it is good to see that it is putting our hard-earned moolah to good use by introducing new taxes. That is what we pay them for.The few Nepalis who still have disposable income will therefore not have to sit around unproductively on their non-performing asses anymore.But, fellow Romans, this is not the time to hee and haw. As we all know, the early bird gets to kill two others with one stone, which I might add, are worth more than the one in the bush that has got the worm. It is therefore time for every Nepali of taxable age to ask himself, herself and itself some wrenching questions: Is the government doing enough to enlarge the tax bracket and widen the tax net?My personal feeling (and this is entirely my opinion and does not in any way reflect the opinions, if any, of my present employers, or of those I have worked for in the past, and may work for in the future) is that it is not.The government is not doing enough. It is being complacent by evading raising taxes. The Ministry of Finance Pvt Ltd must get serious about more taxes otherwise it is never going to meet the Five-Year Plan target for extravagance, waste and corruptitude.The Department of Taxonomy must ensure that only two things are certain in life: death and taxes. In the national interest it is my duty to privately leak to you the salient points of how they are going to go about doing that:<ol> 	<li>Torture. Since the Maoists were in the habit of breaking skulls and bones when they ran an underground economy and they are now in the governing coalition, Comrade Jan must revive those time-tested extortion skills. This particular technique involves physical contact at the sub-cuticular level between the taxman and the fingernails of the payee. 100% guarantee or your money back.</li> 	<li> Graft Tax. The government has also come up with a cunning plan to tax corruption with 13% VAT, 2% Service Charge and 4% National Corruption Surcharge on every kickback and bribe given or received within Nepal’s territorial jurisdiction.</li> 	<li> Capital Flight Levy. No, this does not mean we have to line up to pay airport tax again. This is a 50% tariff on all cash being smuggled inside the false bottoms of outbound passengers.</li> 	<li> Adulteration Tax. This is a levy collected by Nepal Oil Corruption at all gas stations mixing homemade liquor in the petrol. Since petrol now costs Rs180 per litre, the government should logically get its share of the loot with this new Adultery Tax.</li> 	<li> Sunshine Tax. The government has decided to introduce a syntax on sunshine at a flat rate of Rs100 per head per hour for civil servants sunning themselves in the terrace. A Lunar Tax will also be introduced for moonlighters.</li></ol>Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/symbolic-symbols/">Symbolic symbols</a>, Ass

Taxman cometh

Many of you who were born during or just before the last elections in 2017 will no doubt remember that the Mayor-in-Chief of Kathmandu promised that if he was elected he would turn his Metropalika into a "Smart City".I am glad to report that as he hits the campaign trail for re-election, he has over-fulfilled his promise with flying colours and has turned Kathmandu into a genuine Smart-Ass City. Indeed, we consider it an honour to have Hizzoner make Kathmandu Great Again by covering the open space at Lainchour with Astroturf ®.Mayor Bidya Sundar is telling us not to worry about the state of the roads because if he is elected again Kathmandu will have a monorail, a cable car network and a subway system. Whew, that makes me feel much better.Mayor Sack Ya promised to build all those things 5 years ago, but it is comforting to know he is still working on it. At this rate, ’Mandu Town will not just be smart, it will be an unmitigated genius.That reminds me, I must take this opportunity to thank the five-time Prime Minister for reacting with lightning speed on a complaint I made through this column during his last tenure as PM in 1996 to do something about the Godavari road.The Ass has credibly learnt through a mole in Balu Water that he has instructed the Secretary of the Ministry of Metaphysical Planning and Highway Robbery to instruct the Dept of Rhodes to instruct Pappu Construction to instruct its sub-contractor to order labourers to patch the hole in front of our Thaiba Housing Colony.Overnight, workers in hard hats covered the pothole in question with garbage and turned it into a speed bump. This is a 100% improvement on last fiscal year when no potholes were filled, and a dramatic illustration that despite all the cynicism, we do have a functioning democracy where accountable leaders respond to problems citizens face. At this rapid rate, if my calculation serves me right, all potholes in Lalitpur District will be repaired by the dawn of the next millennium.Meanwhile, the aforementioned Mayor of Kathmandu in cooperation with the Federal Grabberment is multi-tasking to, among other things, turn his city into a highly intelligent organism with these measures:1. Allow Buttass, Inc to turn Naryanhiti into a Party Palace with a fun park for children and a miniature Disneyland. The palace of the Shah dynasty has all the attributes of a proper banquet venue: royal antecedents, decadent decorations, capacity to hold thousands of guests, and ample parking space.2. Kathmandu Metropolitan City has deployed smart cows to regulate traffic as well as eat plastic garbage to keep the streets clean and green.3. Some of you alert drivers will have noticed that Kathmandu now has super-smart traffic lights that tell you how long you have to wait for it to be green. But they have been deliberately turned off to save the Kathmandu Metropolitan Shitty on electricity bills.4. The Army’s #OccupyTundikhel military campaign has been so successful that it has been turned into a training ground for urban warfare.

Kathmandu Metropalika

The daily 10-hour curfew at Tribhuvan International Airport from 8 November that will last five months has affected tourism during Nepal’s peak season, with some hotels and trekking agencies here reporting cancellations into spring next year. The reduced hours at Nepal’s main aviation gateway till 31 March means that a third of all flights have been cut. This has also caused ticket prices to surge by up to eight times of normal fares. For example a Kathmandu-Delhi ticket that used to cost Rs12,000 is now listed at Rs50,000, and even then seats are not available.&nbsp; “Especially if they are here to trek, change in flight dates can cause tourists to miss their connections,” says Jagan Timilsina, who runs a trail running and outdoor education business. &nbsp; Pokhara is feeling the brunt as hotels report last-minute cancellations for November because of flight disorders. Some hoteliers also say although there have been some cancelled trips, most itineraries have been rescheduled.&nbsp; Hari Prasad Sharma Gaire of the local chapter of the Hotel Association of Nepal says the Kathmandu airport closure should have been timed for the off-season. He told us: “Starting construction during the peak tourist season was a mistake and will cause the tourism industry to lose a lot of business. The upgrade could have been spread out over a longer time but closed for fewer hours at night so that disruption was minimal.”&nbsp; Nearly a third of the 1.2 million tourists who visit Nepal annually come to Pokhara, which is also the gateway to Mustang, the Annapurna treks and pilgrimage tourism to Muktinath. Located by scenic lakes with a range of adventure sports like hot air ballooning, paragliding, canyoning, bungee and ziplines, Pokhara is also popular among diaspora Nepalis. “Besides its own attractions, Pokhara is really the hub for central Nepal, and we have been trying to get visitors to extend their stay here,” says Timilsina, who started out as a trekking porter and rose up the ranks to be an expedition guide and entrepreneur. &nbsp;  <figure> <img src="https://publisher-publish.s3.eu-central-1.amazonaws.com/pb-nepalitimes/swp/asv65r/media/2024111603114_0e071ce63ea9b0a9a7ee76f8c3cea0ff08c6767c41dd09f6bc4413d2db067a60.jpg" data-media-id="editor_0" data-image-id="2024111603114_0e071ce63ea9b0a9a7ee76f8c3cea0ff08c6767c41dd09f6bc4413d2db067a60" data-rendition-name="original" width="3500" height="2333" loading="lazy" alt="Pokhara's tourism woes NT"> <figcaption>Tourist arrivals in Pokhara have slumped since the disruptions at Kathmandu airport due to upgrading work. Photo: KRISHNA MANI BARAL/NEPALI TIMES ARCHIVE</figcaption> </figure>  Even without the Kathmandu airport closure affecting tourist arrivals, Pokhara was already suffering from a decline due to many factors like the poor state of the Prithvi Highway, the shortage of luxury accommodation for high-end tourists, and the reluctance of international airlines to start direct flights to Pokhara despite an expensive new airport that was inaugurated two years ago.&nbsp; “There was a lot of initial excitement on the construction of the international airport,” says Timilsina, “but it hasn’t delivered as expected due to politics. People have invested in nearby businesses, and have faced losses.” India has blocked direct flights from its cities to Pokhara because the facility was built by a Chinese company. Although tourists and pilgrims from India hit record levels this year, the poor state of the highways and the Indian bus accident on the highway to Kathmandu in July that killed 27 pilgrims from Maharashtra state dampened arrival figures. Gaire says, “While tourist arrivals to Pokhara are now approaching pre-Covid levels, we haven’t seen the improvement we were expecting. We need a better marketing strategy. What are our embassies abroad doing?”&nbsp; Indeed, Pokhara used to be a favourite destination for Chinese tourists. There was a boom in arrivals from China before Covid, especially after a popular Chinese tv serial was shot on location here. But arrivals from China have not really recovered since the pandemic because of the economic slowdown there. Promoting Pokhara airport to handle direct flights from Chengdu or Kunming could revive Chinese arrivals.&nbsp; Nepal’s Civil Aviation Authority (CAAN) has used the Kathmandu airport closure as an excuse to arm-twist international airlines to start flying to Bhairawa, which has barely been in operation for two years since it was inaugurated. So far, Fly Dubai, Thai AirAsia, Jazeera and Qatar are flying to Bhairawa, but most use it as a hop before flying on to Kathmandu, which does not reduce congestion at Kathmandu.&nbsp; An ideal situation could have been to get Pokhara to run to full capacity while Kathmandu is partially out of action. Pokhara entrepreneurs are puzzled why the CAAN and the national government have not taken more interest in promoting Pokhara as an alternative to reduce the congestion in Kathmandu. Nepal’s football team that was flying to Dushanbe this week couldn’t get tickets via Delhi, and took a domestic flight to Bhadrapur, crossed over to Bagdogra and flew on to Delhi to catch their flight to Tajikistan.

Pokhara’s tourism woes

An excerpt of a conversation between an anthropologist and linguist Mark Turin, PhD and Lava Deo Awasthi, PhD, the first Chairperson of the Language Commission of Nepal. Nepali Times: What is the role of Nepal’s Language Commission and when was it formed? Lava Deo Awasthi: The Constitution of Nepal (2015) created a Language Commission (LC) with the following four core mandates: (a) to develop eligibility criteria for gaining status as an official language and offer recommendations to the Government of Nepal about the official language(s) in each province; (b) to offer recommendations to the Government about measures to be taken for the conservation, promotion, and development of languages; (c) to suggest possible ways of using mother tongues in education by assessing their stage of development; and, (d) to conduct studies, carry out research and perform monitoring functions about the response to the constitutional provisions for the federalisation of languages in Nepal. The Commission was founded in 2016 and I was appointed as the Chairperson of the Commission in September of the same year by the Cabinet of Ministers. What in your own professional and educational background helped to prepare you for the role? I have worked with the Government of Nepal for about 30 years, alongside holding teaching appointments at universities in Nepal. Prior to assuming the role of the Chairperson of the Commission, I served as permanent Secretary to the Government of Nepal and worked as the Chief Administrator of the Central Development Region. I was appointed as Director General of the Department of Education and completed my assignments as Joint Secretary at the Planning, Monitoring and Educational Administration Divisions of the Ministry of Education.&nbsp; In addition, I have taught courses as a visiting professor at Tribhuvan University and Kathmandu University for more than three decades. Later, I also started supervising MPhil and PhD students at the Far Western University in Mahendranagar, Kanchanpur. My PhD project from the Danish University of Education was dedicated to making sense of Nepal’s social construct and commitment to multilingualism, exploring the persistence of monolingual school practices in the face of constitutional promises and state commitments to multilingualism. I conducted a survey of Nepal’s languages and carried out a qualitative study of the Tharu language in the district of Bardia. I analysed language policy statements and explored classroom pedagogies in schools. I documented how teachers showed a tendency to resist change and maintain the status quo because they were not consulted when new educational language policies were introduced. Teachers also exhibited a deeply-held adherence to the Gurukul education system which appears to have been harnessed as a way to resist newer pedagogical ideologies imported from the West. Recognising how engrained these rich traditions of knowledge transmission are, I wanted to know how students’ engagement in the learning process appeared to have dwindled, creating a gap between children’s home languages and the language(s) of the school. Whilst statutory provisions for education in the mother tongue were oriented towards promotion, classroom pedagogies remained resolutely monolingual and exclusionary. The result was that multilingual education policies that had been introduced in Nepal did not result in meaningful changes in classroom practices. My research was also a reflection of childhood traumas I had experienced at the earliest stage of formal education. My home language, Baitadeli, has a strong oral tradition and no written literature. English is my fifth language in terms of exposure and competence, and my home district of Baitadi is well-known for its loyalty to the local language. I had to drop out of school after completing my sixth grade. Staying at home, I received much attention from my family and had much greater exposure to my native language, culture and environment. My overall impression is that dropping out of school had a surprisingly positive impact on my life. The opportunity offered a surprising dividend for me as I gained mastery in my mother tongue and received extensive exposure to folk literature and Indigenous knowledge and survival skills, cultivating my interest in language, culture, literature and local cosmologies.&nbsp; Now that I reflect on it, I appreciate how language has always played a key role in my life. I grew up in a multilingual environment: brought up with Baitadeli, Hindi, Sanskrit, Nepali and English. Language played a major part in my decision to leave school and my later success is closely linked to my competence in several languages. It was rewarding to be at home with my family as I deepened my understanding of native language and culture, which in turn helped me to harness and refine my art of living. Languages matter so much to me because they are both software and hardware. Later, when I was in secondary school, I realised that my command of my home language contributed significantly to enhancing my Nepali and English. I used my mother tongue as a form of linguistic capital to strengthen my competence in both English and Nepali.&nbsp;  <figure> <img src="https://publisher-publish.s3.eu-central-1.amazonaws.com/pb-nepalitimes/swp/asv65r/media/2024111811110_5400ba54792bf9e4854e1c1effde8bf09804e99647f23513700b450cc49adc4a.jpg" data-media-id="editor_0" data-image-id="2024111811110_5400ba54792bf9e4854e1c1effde8bf09804e99647f23513700b450cc49adc4a" data-rendition-name="original" width="1000" height="1500" loading="lazy" alt="Dr Lava Deo Awasthi"> </figure>  In your term as the Commission’s first Chairperson, what were your strategic goals and objectives? My first strategic goal was to create an environment conducive to implementing the provisions of the Constitution of Nepal in relation to language. My priority was to prepare a detailed action plan for my six-year tenure in consultation with language stakeholders, including language experts, professionals, activists, Indigenous community members and representatives of relevant national and local-level institutions. The Commission formed a body of high-level advisors to ensure that the Chairperson’s work was well-informed and credible. The advisors to the committee had highly visible professional and social reputations in Nepal and had much experience in the field of language conservation, promotion, research and development. Another strategy we adopted was to establish close institutional linkages with federal, provincial, and local level governments for collecting opinions and disseminating information widely.&nbsp; What critical issues did you have to consider while discharging your duty? When Nepal’s new Constitution was drafted, a number of concerns could not be adequately addressed. These related to the conservation of languages, the recognition of official languages at the provincial level, and the use of mother tongues at federal, provincial, and local levels. These unresolved issues and matters pertaining to the federalizsation of Nepal’s languages were passed on to the Language Commission to address and resolve.&nbsp; Regarding the recommendations for official languages, a five-year timeline had been set by the Constitution. With great effort, we succeeded in having all provinces agree to recognise their official languages as per the recommendations of the Commission.&nbsp; What were your greatest achievements during your term? One of the greatest achievements was that we succeeded in setting a language agenda at all levels. Nepal’s language communities and other stakeholders expressed the view that this was the first time their languages were recognised and their voices heard by the state. People participated in debates and discussed issues relating to language that in all likelihood had never before happened in their lifetimes, at least not in ways that were supported by the state. We encouraged people to speak in their own language(s) and provided translators during plenary sessions and group discussions. Another major achievement was developing criteria for the status planning of languages at federal, provincial, and local levels, and to recommend 11 province-level official languages, in addition to the Nepali language. Similarly, a notable achievement was recognising Indigenous languages spoken by smaller communities, all of whom faced ongoing marginalisation and high levels of endangerment. The Commission identified 9 new languages that had not been reported in the 2011 census, and provided a framework for recognising official languages within a municipality. The commission emphasised the need for documentation and digitisation of languages for developing corpora and archives at national and sub-national levels.&nbsp; Languages of historical importance as well as classical languages were given recognition for their protection, growth, and development. Recommendations were made for the conservation, promotion and development of Nepal’s marginalised languages that are threatened by majority languages and for those languages that hold particular power at local and global levels. Recommendations were also made for how best to safeguard Nepal’s languages from the ever-growing spread of English and other powerful, globalising languages.&nbsp; A further important aspect of the Commission’s work was to emphasise mother tongue medium instruction in schools across the nation. Recognising the role of language in children’s cognitive, socio-emotional and academic development, the Commission suggested strategies for linking schools with ward-level language clusters for use in the classroom. The importance of nurturing and respecting a child’s first language was reiterated in the Commission’s recommendations for children’s learning and all-round development. By the end of my term, a remarkable change could be observed in terms of building trust within and across Nepal’s diverse language communities. A network of language groups and stakeholders across the country proved to be a powerful way of bringing all language communities under one roof for a collective review of and response to the process of federalising language policy. The many language stakeholders across Nepal appreciated the opportunity to work within a coordinated framework, and—feeling empowered by this—seemed genuinely enthusiastic about the initiatives taken by the Commission.&nbsp;  <figure> <img src="https://publisher-publish.s3.eu-central-1.amazonaws.com/pb-nepalitimes/swp/asv65r/media/2024111811114_b45297fdd2fedf17bdb6313e495a1062c0d87f1a19fa5349f871f220b75f93ab.jpg" data-media-id="editor_1" data-image-id="2024111811114_b45297fdd2fedf17bdb6313e495a1062c0d87f1a19fa5349f871f220b75f93ab" data-rendition-name="original" width="1500" height="1000" loading="lazy" alt="Dr Lava Deo Awasthi NT"> </figure>  What were the most significant challenges for you as Chairperson? One of the major challenges was winning people’s trust in advocating for the mission of the Language Commission. I faced considerable resistance as I sought to emphasise the use of native languages in families and communities. While the Commission advocated for multilingualism and promoted linguistic diversity, the prevailing policy circles and central level institutions had been deeply influenced by a one-language discourse and ideology of Nepali only. The spread of English also poses a huge threat to Nepal’s languages. However, people in power do not seem to see this as a problem. They tend to abandon their own languages in preference for English. The way that Nepal’s municipalities are increasingly introducing English as a medium of instruction at the earliest stage of a child’s school-based education has proven to be detrimental to their cognitive development, socio-emotional wellbeing and academic success. Most of Nepal’s elites have been heavily influenced by the spread of English and remain unaware about its impact on their home languages as well as on the inter-generational transmission of Indigenous languages in the country. I wish that we could have produced more compelling evidence to show the consequences of making poor policy choices for our children’s education. Demystification calls for a collective response. To make change happen across this entire, complex and federalising country was daunting work and left like a race against time. I feel that I could have done more to offer concrete examples in favour of using the mother tongue as a medium of children’s education at the earliest stages of a child’s education. What do you see the Language Commission achieving in the next 5-10 years? The Language Commission will have to ensure that all of its key recommendations are implemented at all levels of government. In 10 years’ time, all seven of Nepal’s provinces will have their official languages in place. These languages will also be recognised as languages of federal business, alongside Nepali. I anticipate that all official languages in the federal and provincial systems will have a national portal for inter-language corpora using machine translation to fulfil their federal, provincial and local level language functions, and that all languages spoken in Nepal will be represented through a digital database in the national archive. The Office of Statistics will monitor the status of Nepal’s languages over time. By the end of the next decade, each municipality in the country will have recognised one or two official languages at the local level, based on speech populations. Other local languages will have received community-level legal recognition and official status to fulfil their functional roles. Languages that are highly endangered or at risk will be entitled to receive state grants for enhancing local level capabilities to encourage families and young learners to speak the language. Incentive schemes will be introduced in municipalities that promote language within the family and at home. Inter-generational transmission of languages will have received welcome and timely attention across Nepal. It is my hope that all schools—public and private—will have introduced mother tongue medium instruction at the earliest stage of school education, at least up to class five. Nepali, English and other national as well as classical and foreign languages will be taught as subjects. The existing policy of English medium education at the early stage of education will be abolished. The Government of Nepal will be held accountable if the number of speakers of any language decreases or if local communities face language loss and greater endangerment. Under the aegis of the Language Commission, a Centre for Language Research and Innovation will be created with world-class facilities for language documentation and archiving in collaboration with Tribhuvan University’s Central Department of Linguistics and other relevant institutions. Harnessing the vastness of Nepal’s linguistic diversity, the Language Commission will morph into a centre of excellence for national and international communities to engage in collaborative language research, to share experiences and document best practices at in service of global linguistic diversity and Nepal’s many Indigenous languages.

Languages are both software and hardware

Earlier this month, Nepal received Rs1.6 billion from the World Bank as part of its <a href="https://nepalitimes.com/news/will-nepal-ever-be-paid-for-saving-trees">Forest Carbon Partnership Facility (FCPF)</a>, rewarding the country for increasing its carbon sink capacity. Nepal is the first in South Asia to benefit from this facility, and it is specifically to recompense the country for increasing forest cover in 13 Tarai districts between 2018-2024. “We are also trying to get another Rs13 billion from the facility while also preparing for free market-based carbon trading in the international market,” says Nabaraj Pudasaini of the REDD (Reducing Emissions from Deforestation and Forest Degradation in Developing Countries) Implementation Centre. Big emitters of greenhouse gases are under pressure to reduce their carbon emissions, and many have signed agreements to do so by investing in decarbonisation projects in developing countries. Countries that emit more than a specified amount of carbon would be able to buy emission rights from countries that emit less. Nepal is internationally known for its community forestry program which has been largely credited for <a href="https://nepalitimes.com/banner/tree-mendous">increasing tree cover to over 45%</a> in less than three decades. But this achievement had not been adequately recognised or rewarded internationally before. Forests, especially in the tropics, absorb and store large amounts of carbon while releasing oxygen in a process known as photosynthesis. <a href="https://www.fao.org/forest-resources-assessment/en/">Preventing deforestation</a> and increasing canopy cover is considered a much more achievable goal than reducing emission in the scale necessary to limit global average temperature to 1.5°C above pre-industrial levels. COP11 in Montreal in 2005 first proposed reducing carbon emissions by improving forest quality by halting degradation. By 2015, a new mechanism of financial assistance was created to help less developed countries with sustainable management of forests <a href="https://www.un-redd.org/">(called REDD+)</a>. Under this new mechanism, countries receive aid based on their efforts to prevent forest degradation and increase carbon sink, and in 2021 the World Bank was entrusted with implementing it. Nepal’s FCPF receipt this month was calculated on the basis of 2.4 million tons of carbon stored at a rate of $5 per ton. In the second phase, Nepal will receive more than Rs4 billion within the next year for storing an additional 7 million tons of carbon. Eighty per cent of this amount obtained from carbon trading needs to be spent on local beneficiaries and indigenous communities.&nbsp; But carbon trading is not easy, Nepal needs to prove that protected forests will not be destroyed in future.  <figure> <img src="https://publisher-publish.s3.eu-central-1.amazonaws.com/pb-nepalitimes/swp/asv65r/media/20241121091132_c8a381c9a95aa86fec558951650d97bb87914741f01766982ba2b086af001f16.jpg" data-media-id="editor_4" data-image-id="20241121091132_c8a381c9a95aa86fec558951650d97bb87914741f01766982ba2b086af001f16" data-rendition-name="original" width="1500" height="999" loading="lazy" alt="Greenbacks for greenery NT "> <figcaption>Photo: KUNDA DIXIT</figcaption> </figure>  Explains carbon trading expert Yugan Manandhar. “Forests should be handed over to the community and shown that they are managed sustainably. Proving this will be particularly challenging; forest encroachment and degradation is rife in the Tarai.” <a href="https://nepalitimes.com/multimedia/nepal-is-going-up-in-smoke">Deliberate forest fires</a> have also added to the challenge because they increase carbon emissions and reduce the sink capacity of forests. The basis for the amount that Nepal received was set five years ago by calculating the carbon reserves of forests in the 13 Tarai districts. In the meantime, sustainable forest management, tree plantation, forest destruction and erosion control were prioritised to increase carbon reserves in those forests. Nepal is signing another carbon trading agreement during the ongoing Baku climate conference. The <a href="https://www.leafcoalition.org/">Lowering Emissions by Accelerating Forest finance (LEAF Coalition) </a>proposes to sell the carbon stored in the forests of Bagmati, Gandaki and Lumbini provinces. For this, Nepal signed the letter of intent three years ago at COP26 in Glasgow. The target is to store 70 million tons of carbon in 32 million hectares of forest in the three provinces per which Nepal will receive Rs13 billion in four years at $10 per ton with provisions to increase the rate if various conditions are met. However, the agreement in itself doesn’t guarantee the amount. According to the targets set by Nepal, forest degradation should be stopped and carbon reserves increased by protecting tree cover. Preparations are also underway for clean air carbon trade because it has offset fossil fuel use by introducing 30,000 electric vehicles. Nepal has been selected for the first round to receive $40 million within one and a half years through the Clean Air System of the World Bank. Given that most of Nepal’s energy mix is from biomass, replacing them with electric stoves can significantly improve health by reducing indoor pollution as well as strengthen the country’s capacity for carbon trade. “Nepal's goal now is to sell carbon in the free market where carbon credits are bought and sold based on supply and demand in an open and transparent manner,” adds Pudasaini of the REDD Implementation Centre. “Nepal can now set its own price and bargain with interested buyer countries and organisations.” Lately, India has been discussing setting up a carbon market. Nepal has exported Rs12.72 billion worth of electricity to India so far this fiscal year, which can be traded under Nepal’s carbon market. “Carbon trading can create significant economic benefits for Nepal, which will help reinvest in development and environmental protection projects,” says Manandhar. “But we must prioritise sustainable management of forests, cutting older trees and allowing regrowth as well as promoting electric stoves and electric vehicles.”

Greenbacks for greenery

Turkish Airlines has introduced a new amenity kit collection designed in collaboration with French fashion house Lanvin for international business class passengers on flights more than five hours. It consists of five pieces designed for sustainability and elegance. Bags are reusable and will consist of Lanvin cosmetic products like hand and body lotions and lip balm. Eye masks and socks are made from recycled materials, earplugs are packaged in paper and the toothbrush is bamboo.

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