Kathmandu Metropalika

Many of you who were born during or just before the last elections in 2017 will no doubt remember that the Mayor-in-Chief of Kathmandu promised that if he was elected he would turn his Metropalika into a "Smart City".

I am glad to report that as he hits the campaign trail for re-election, he has over-fulfilled his promise with flying colours and has turned Kathmandu into a genuine Smart-Ass City. Indeed, we consider it an honour to have Hizzoner make Kathmandu Great Again by covering the open space at Lainchour with Astroturf ®.

Mayor Bidya Sundar is telling us not to worry about the state of the roads because if he is elected again Kathmandu will have a monorail, a cable car network and a subway system. Whew, that makes me feel much better.

Mayor Sack Ya promised to build all those things 5 years ago, but it is comforting to know he is still working on it. At this rate, ’Mandu Town will not just be smart, it will be an unmitigated genius.

That reminds me, I must take this opportunity to thank the five-time Prime Minister for reacting with lightning speed on a complaint I made through this column during his last tenure as PM in 1996 to do something about the Godavari road.

The Ass has credibly learnt through a mole in Balu Water that he has instructed the Secretary of the Ministry of Metaphysical Planning and Highway Robbery to instruct the Dept of Rhodes to instruct Pappu Construction to instruct its sub-contractor to order labourers to patch the hole in front of our Thaiba Housing Colony.

Overnight, workers in hard hats covered the pothole in question with garbage and turned it into a speed bump. This is a 100% improvement on last fiscal year when no potholes were filled, and a dramatic illustration that despite all the cynicism, we do have a functioning democracy where accountable leaders respond to problems citizens face. At this rapid rate, if my calculation serves me right, all potholes in Lalitpur District will be repaired by the dawn of the next millennium.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Mayor of Kathmandu in cooperation with the Federal Grabberment is multi-tasking to, among other things, turn his city into a highly intelligent organism with these measures:

1. Allow Buttass, Inc to turn Naryanhiti into a Party Palace with a fun park for children and a miniature Disneyland. The palace of the Shah dynasty has all the attributes of a proper banquet venue: royal antecedents, decadent decorations, capacity to hold thousands of guests, and ample parking space.

2. Kathmandu Metropolitan City has deployed smart cows to regulate traffic as well as eat plastic garbage to keep the streets clean and green.

3. Some of you alert drivers will have noticed that Kathmandu now has super-smart traffic lights that tell you how long you have to wait for it to be green. But they have been deliberately turned off to save the Kathmandu Metropolitan Shitty on electricity bills.

4. The Army’s #OccupyTundikhel military campaign has been so successful that it has been turned into a training ground for urban warfare.

Ass s


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