Do You have Guts?

We are all excited here in the newsroom about a news item that a Chinese firm is making sports bras for overweight men. Most men of voting age are mammary-challenged, but there is a growing number that need support during vigorous exercising in the gym.

(We’ll be right back after this message from this week’s sponsor, Ze-Bra: ‘Sag No More! Be a Man! Defy Gravity! No Pills. No Surgery. No Injections. No Side-effects.’)

There are already hundreds of satisfied middle-aged men using Ze-Bra, and we recently interviewed one of them. “I was always self-conscious on the treadmill with my melons swaying wildly,” he said. “Now they are nicely tucked in, and I’m proud of my bosoms.”

Encouraged by the success, the beauty industry is now literally aiming below the belt with anti-cellulite jabs. (Advertorial: “Inject Botox onto your buttocks and get rid of ugly wrinkles fast.”)

With elections looming, all this is good news for septuagenarian leaders in need of political face-saving with a nip and tuck to restore their youthful exuberance.

There is a whole range of plastic surgery options now available for Nepal’s indecisive decision-makers so they can have a total remake of their physical infrastructure:

* Do You Have Guts? Buy yourself intestinal fortitude tested on lab rats. Experimental rodents exhibiting signs of spinelessness were forced to ingest quick drying cement which solidified in their lower digestive tract, thus giving them battle-hardened bowels.

* Keep Up with the Arms Race. If you need more than two hands to rake the loot in, grow two extra limbs in your thorax region. The coalition might collapse this weekend, so time is of the essence. Extra fingers and greasy palms optional.

* Tummy Augmentation. Having ample girth is a sign that you have made it in Nepali politics. Skinny politicians no longer need to feel inadequate and be mistaken for someone who is honest and upright. Add bulk and fullness to your frame with a special XXXL Silicon Tyre Implant in your upper abdomen. Be the envy of your peers in Parliament, let your belly spill out of your belt. Limited Offer: Buyers get free moustache transplant.

* Give Teeth to Politics. With inflation, it is important for servants of the people to protect the value of their ill-gotten wealth. Investing in real estate is too visible. Now, the friendly neighbourhood dentist can replace molars with 24-carat gold teeth. The Maoists may be against bringing back the monarchy, but the RPP desperately wants its crown back.

* Brain Enlargement. With advanced laser surgery it is now possible to completely reboot the human brain by expanding the volume of the cranium and grafting brain tissue implants from donors with a proclivity for purloining state funds.

* Get Gonads. Because the grumblement has waffled so much on the MCC, many in the intercontinental community have started passing snide slurs that Nepalis ‘lack balls’. As a matter of public record, ministers and legislators should first present visual proof that they are indeed in possession of both their nuts, and then proceed to demonstrate that the family jewels are intact and of adequate durability to withstand blunt force trauma. The nation’s credibility is at stake.