Slightly fake news

Chuman Basnet / Nagarik

In most countries, including yours truly, the constitution allows journos to get away with the most outrageous things. That is because our founding grandfathers in their wisdom figured there was a slim chance that we may get something right, and perhaps even tell the truth.

Still, there are many pitfalls and potholes on the road to a free and responsible press – and here in Nepal we have fallen into every one of them. Luckily, we can hold our heads high as the custodians of the fourth real estate. After all, politicians and journalists have a symbiotic relationship. They scratch our back and we scratch ours. Heads we win, tails they lose.

And now that we have those niceties out of the way, we can get right down to this week’s main news in detail:

Nepal To Have 1st Wet Port

By Our Maritime Correspondent

Triveni -- After the completion of the dry port in Tatopani, the Oli Grovelment is planning Nepal’s first and foremost wet port even though we are slightly landlocked. “This is an unforeseen hitch,” admitted the spokesman of the Ministry of Merchants & Marines. “But we are working to overcome our landlockedness by requesting the Gobarment of India to permanently submerge our border areas.”

In a related development, the Prime Minister this week inaugurated Nepal’s first navigable inland waterway between Jorpati and Gokarna. The muddy stretch of road was turned permanently into a canal, and is now open for barges and gondolas.

Mayor Shakya told the media before setting sail on a maiden voyage: “We will turn Kathmandu into the Venice of the East.”

Biggest Garland Competition


A week after Comrade Awesome was radio-collared during his tour of the Farwest Tarai by a garland with the girth of a python, not to be outdone his co-chair Comrade Oily was set upon by a record-breaking marigold necklace weighing 85kg. Opposition leader Brave Lion, however, had to make do with a puny 55kg warhead (pictured below).

However, geologists warn that the sheer weight of these garlands is titling the country on a north-south axis. “At this rate of subsidence, the Tarai will be below sea level,” said a heavily-garlanded Secretary of the Department of Floral Tributes.

Husband a la King

Sarlahi -- Unable to resist the delectable charms of her husband, a homemaker has set off a new culinary trend by eating him up, reports RSS. Police got suspicious when they could not trace the aforementioned husband. (Up to here, this news item is 100% true. -Ed.)

Police are now looking for other women who want to dine on their husbands, instead of with them.

The Ass


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