Ass as Prime Minister

If only Eh-malay alpha males didn't have the if-I-don't-win-I-won't-play mentality, we would by now have a Tarai Fast Track, piped gas in every home and ocean-going container ships docking in Sunsari.

If only Lotus Flower had not fallen out with Red Flag, the Maoists would have easily formed a glowernment by now. If only Comrade Upadro was still in the good books of Mahan Thakur, the grand coalition would have formed a government so long ago, it would have been time to bring it down already.

But what really puzzles me is why PM Oily is so unperturbed. What does he know that we don’t. Does he have another rabbit up his sleeves? Is he hiding a trump card under his hat? Why is he crying wolf in a China shop?

Those of us who watched the high drama of the latest episode of the tele serial The Great Hall of the People last week will all agree that it showed Nepali politics at its all-time best, and the protagonists all deserve to be nominated for the NEFTA Film Award in the Best Supporting Role category.

No one in the world can stab each other in the back as figuratively as they do. No world leader can play the fiddle on a tilting deck like our rulers. Few countries in the world have a stockpile of serial prime ministers that they can fall back on in times of crisis: KPO, MKN, PKD, SBD, BRB, JNK, BURP.

The whole point about Monday’s pseudo-drama at the Birendra Intercontinental Conventional Centre was to waste time to buy time to haggle some more about whose turn it is to do nothing for two years. The leaders agreed to disagree some more so they could get the Prez to give themselves another three days to do some more horse-trading, even though horses I know would not take kindly to being traded like politicians.

Nepal’s legislature is beginning to resemble a goat market, where the animals can be bought and sold, just to be decapitated at the crack of dawn. Or, you could say Nepali politics is now similar to a bull-fight, only that real oxymorons are smarter.

Some may say it's like a cock-fight, but that would be a slur on all you good roosters out there. You could say the politicos are behaving like wolves in sheep's clothing, but that would belittle both predator and prey. And without putting down serpents (some of them venomous) in our midst, who shall remain nameless, allow me to unequivocally state that parliament resembles a snake pit. If this political stalemate drags on any longer, the Ass may be forced to stake its claim to prime ministership.

In fact, my legal advisers have just asked me to take this opportunity to quickly issue a pre-emptive public disclaimer about speciest language that might crop up in future in this column. So, here goes: The views and opinions expressed hereinafter are not those of any donkey we know and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Animal Kingdom in general and Assdom in particular. Any information, opinion, slur, insult or slander in or between these lines are not intended to malign any cold blooded reptile or bloody-thirsty predator.

Now that we have those legal niceties out of the way, let me conclude my remarks this week by saying that any resemblance that any vulture, piranha, shark, hyena, pig, jackal, (and, yes, even an ass) bears with Nepal's human politicians, living or dead, is purely coincidental.