Nepali Times

Anus horibilis

The Ass

Backside

Statutory Government Health Warning: The following segment contains material that some readers may find disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised. Management is not responsible for untoward consequences.

All right. If you insist on reading this despite that warning, The Ass can’t stop you. It’s still a free country.

I have heard through the grapevine that many of you cannot wait for this year to be over, and for things to return to a normalitarian state. Well, guess what folks, sorry to break this to you as you crack open a bottle of bubbly at midnight, but 2021 is going to be even crappier than 2020.

In fact, is it such a good idea to embark on a brand new year at this juncture in time? Do we actually want to go through another 365 days of this? At least during the year gone by, we were getting used to being miserable. In the new year we will have to get used to being miserable all over again. Can't we just postpone 2021?

Instead of looking ahead at an unpredictable new year, therefore, let us recall fondly the certitudes of 2020 and count our many blessings in an anus horibilis:

  1. As the rest of the world struggles with the second and third wave, here in Nepal we have already attained herd impunity. None of our past, present and future rulers will ever have to answer for their misdemeanours.
  2. Nepal’s Olitics (the ‘P’ is silent) did not throw up any nasty surprises in 2020. It was all very predictable. In a nutshell, Nepal’s Communists could not get along and split the party, ensuring stability and prosperity for us all.
  3. The government thankfully spared us the shock of seeing the Godavari Road widened and paved in 2020. Imagine what an upsetting jolt that would have been.
  4. Thank god Melamchi was not completed by Dasain as promised. How would we as a nation ever get over a bombshell like that?
  5. What a shock it was to see that Kathmandu Airport was actually upgraded during the pandemic. But thanks to the serpentine queues and smelly loos, we can thankfully still feel perfectly at home there.
  6. Domestic tourism got a whole new meaning in 2020 with Buddha Air’s promo stopover in Pokhara for Janakpur-bound passengers.
  7. And for those who are nostalgic for the Dark Ages, the thoughtful folks at Nepal Electricity Authoritarians (NEA) brought back power cuts.
  8. I know, there are many defeatist Nepalis who always see the glass as half-empty no matter what. This is no time for pessimism, the glass is actually completely empty. We should all head out for a refill.
  9. We should warn our giant neighbours to the North and South not to bother trying to destabilise Nepal in 2021. We are already doing that to ourselves.
  10. Forget the coronavirus vaccine, what we need more urgently is a vaccine against corruption to inoculate the entire Oligarchy.
  11. The bottom line, FYI, is that the only way to survive 2021 is WTF to LMFAO. G2G. TTYL.

More from the Ass here.