Exit visas for Nepalis

Nepalis are the most experienced people when it comes to having their visa applications rejected. Except for São Tomé and Príncipe and India, we need a visa stamp for just about every country in the known Universe.

Still, this hardly deters Nepalis from migrating abroad in droves. This has become such a serious problem that to stem the outflow, the Growlment of Nepal has come up with a clever plan. Nepalis will henceforth need exit visas to leave the country. This is so that they can stay home and defend the country from foreign invasion.

For most of modern history, Nepal kept out expansionist neighbours with our dreaded Mozzie Army. Our heroic malaria-carrying female anopheles were the true bravehearts, risking lives and limbs to inject East India Company Sepoys with the Plasmodium falciparum parasite.

We should erect enormous concrete statues of the insects at all major intersections along the East-West Highway to honour them.

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It is because of the Mosquito Militia’s supreme sacrifice that Nepal was never colonised by aliens. But since the eradication of malaria in the Tarai, we have no forward line of defence, and need to find new strategic depth.

Fortunately, the Nepal Army’s clandestine Bio Warfare Drone Division has lately deployed genetically-modified Aedes aegypti to inject dengue on all suspected fifth columnists in society.

They augment bio-engineered Vibrio cholerae and Giardia lamblia which have successfully blown up the gastro-intestinal tubes of Nepal’s sworn enemies.

The two bacteria have already foiled a tourist invasion of Nepal. Covertly infiltrated into the endoplastic reticulum, the germs wreak havoc on the digestive tract of potential conquerors and make them think twice about re-entering Nepal’s Toilet-Free Buffer Zone.

Advances in genetic engineering means these microorganisms can be cloned to keep Nepal’s native population safe from weapons of ass destruction.

Last week, the Minister for Tourism, Uncivil Aviation and Vermiculture bravely defended Nepal’s honour from a security guard while being finger-printed for a Canadian visa. His message was loud and clear: a Nepali will not take such insults lying down anymore, we will take it standing up with our hands outstretched. Our national slogan henceforth will be ‘Canada, Go Home! And Take Us With You On Junkets!’

The visa fracas exposed another insult to Nepal’s sovereignty: Nepali passports have to go to Delhi to be stamped. As a self-respecting oldest nation state in South Asia that was never colonised, we should retaliate.

The Department of Irritation would cancel visas on arrival and require Canadians to get their Nepali visas from Honduras. Australians will have to apply in Tonga, and Italians will have to go to the Nepal Embassy in Addis. What’s that? Nepal does not have an embassy in Addis? Good point. Serves the Italians right. And the French who want to travel to Nepal should apply in São Tomé and Príncipe.

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