The Order of the Bath

As soon as the cannons at Tundikhel rudely woke up neighbourhood dogs on Monday morning, we knew it was time to make haste and celebrate another Constitution Day. How appropriate that we proudly mark our Gun-Tantric Secular Republic by proving that political power does indeed come out of the barrel of a gun.

One of the rituals of Constipation Day is to award medals to all and sundry (mostly sundry) so that those who are really deserving can work even harder to be recognised with the nation’s highest honours in next year’s Conspiracy Day.

There is a nasty trend in Nepal that some conscientious objectors who have made it to the President’s Honour’s List refuse to accept the medals on the grounds of  freedom of thought, conscience, and because the awards do not carry a cash prize.

Refusing to accept national medals has a long history, and very few know that it was Jang Bahadur who started the glorious trend. During his visit to Great Britain in 1850 the Potentate of the Gorkha Empire at first refused to accept the Most Honourable Order of the Bath and the Most Noble Order of the Garter because he thought it meant he would be ordered to take a cold outdoor shower in his socks.

When the Brits explained to him that those were Great Britain’s greatest honours for valour, he gladly accepted the medal and sash from Queen Vic.

But how do we stop this trend of boycotting and girlcutting medals before it becomes a national epidemic? The federal gobblement must come up with a strategy to ensure minimum respect and honour for Nepal’s interior decorations.

We could start by amending the award list to include the brother of the daughter-in-law of an ex-prime minister who went beyond the call of duty to serve as the PM’s bagman. This would prove once and for all that we have rule of in-law in this cuntry.

As every year, this year’s Honour’s List recognised the yeoman’s and yeowoman’s service in every sphere of national life by giving medals to all deserving daughters, sisters, mothers-in-law, and ex-wives.

First, the President should’ve decorated herself for strictly abiding by the Constitution to unconstitutionally refusing to endorse the Citizenship Bill. Second, the PM must be awarded the Most Honourable Order of the Bath for dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s in the Constitution by including his Firstest Lady in the proportional representation candidate list.

These defenders of our democracy deserve medals, because otherwise who would know how hard they are not working to serve the national interest? Only by having them violate the laws of the land repeatedly can we expose loopholes in the Constitution, and plug them.

Other deserving candidates missing in the Honour’s List, and who must be included next year:

  • The Mayor who has awarded the most construction contracts to himself by hiring his own excavators to his municpality.
  • The Ward Chair who has built the most view-towers on surrounding peaks.
  • Nepal’s biggest phone importer who made it illegal for Nepalis abroad to bring their mobiles home so he could be left to his own devices.
  • And, last but not least, the Gorkha Dakshin Bahu (Third Class) to all  Asses out there.

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