Past Asses

So Nepal’s bid for a seat in the UN Security Council was a fiasco. But look at it this way: we got 28 votes from like Tonga, Tuvalu, Sao Principe and Tome, Laos, North Korea, and Burkina Faso. We can rely on them through thick and thin.

#319, October 2006

Nepal is flooded with sandalwood en route from Karnataka to Lhasa. The Ass can’t figure out what the crime is: It’s not our sandalwood forests that are being chopped down, they are not selling it in Nepal, we're just facilitating trade between our two neighbours: isn’t that how we are supposed to get rich?

#345 April 2007

The Madhesi brothers gheraoed the rostrum and paralysed the assembly. Then the Tharuhats brought 22 Tarai districts to a halt. Muslims are murmuring about being lumped together with Madhesis. The Sherpas may soon announce a chukka jam at Base Camp. The government’s negotiation strategy is to grant everyone autonomy automatically, but unless Nepal immediately embarks on a campaign of territorial expansion, we’re going to run out of room for new provinces.

#408, July 2008

We’ve always been a nation of whiners. The Baddies just handed us a three-day forced holiday and all we did was grumble about it. Taxi drivers complained they couldn’t cheat passengers, customs officials complained they couldn’t collect kickbacks, smugglers couldn’t smuggle during Bandays. Yet, we saved Rs600 million worth of fuel, reducing our trade deficit with India, slashing Nepal’s carbon footprint by 1.4 million tons of CO2.

#482, Dec 2009

MKN: I’ll step down, but only if you agree to extend the CA term.

PKD: Nope we will only extend the CA term if you resign first.

MKN: OK, I’ll give you my word. Cross my heart.

PKD: Can you put that in writing?

MKN: Only if you put it in writing that you will extend the CA.

PKD: Can I have a refill?

#504, June 2010

Quiz: Two months, and the prime minister has still not been able to complete the cabinet. Why?

  1. Carpenters have all gone to the Gulf
  2. Forum wants Foreign
  3. Baddies want Home
  4. The Oligarchy want in

#547, April 2011

For many reasons, many of which I can’t get into here because of space constraints, this is the time to visit Nepal. First of all, you may as well go while the country still exists. If you wait too long, you may have to undertake time travel and visit Nepal in the past.

#623, September 2012

The Regmi regime just listed the accomplishments of their first 100 days:

  1. Ensured the Southwest Monsoon

arrived on time

  1. Inaugurated 2 art exhibitions, 1 album launch, and 3 handicraft fairs
  2. Patched an irritating pothole at

Gyaneswor intersection.

  1. Chairman Regmi smiled during photo-op with Chinese delegation.
  2. Took the trouble to publish this list.

#662, July 2013

The trouble with new year resolutions has always been that by 7 January of every year, we break them and resume snarling at our slightly better halves, pluck our nostril hair in public, smoke five packs of ciggies a day, and renew  membership of the Nepal Bars Association and be a Famous Grouch.

#688, January 2014

Nepal’s weekly requirement of petrol: 1,500 kilo litres. Nepal’s weekly production of vodka, gin, ayla, thon and twant put together: 500 kilo litres. To get over the blockade, convert Nepal’s stockpile of spirits into high octane fuel for internal combustion engines.

#779, October 2015

Non-government Organisations (NGOs), Quasi Non-government Organisations (QUANGOs), Fly By Night International Non-government Organisations (FLAMINGOs) and Maoist Non-government Organisations (MANGOs) are facing an acute acronym shortage. This was revealed by All-Nepal Pro-Government Non-government Organisation (GONGO). "I don’t see how we can go on like this,” said General Secretary of INSECT. Outgoing chair of another non-government orgasm, HERPES, agreed: “This is an emergency.”

#810 May 2016

The Nepal Embassy in Washington DC issued a statement: ‘Nepal recognizes the effort by all steak holders in the Beef Belt, including the military industrial complex, climate deniers and creationists in conducting what appears to be at first glance a largely polarizing and broadly acrimonious presidential election. We urge all Americans to accept the results even though a #DOOFUS is a #POTUS. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, folks.’

#859, May 2017

As the Chieftain Justice aptly pointed out the other day, and I quote: “There is complete freedom of expression in this country, there just isn’t any freedom after expression. All journalists should be objective, that is to say they should have the same objective as us.”

#892, January 2018

The Ass


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