Annus horibilis

Of late, international news like climate change, the collapse of liberal democracy or the destruction of the Amazon have started crowding out equally earth-shattering news here at home, such as the divorce of Ram Krishna Dhakal.

If this important news was dropped for lack of space, imagine the other significant happenings in 2019 that did not make it to the m-ass media. That is why it is more vital than ever that in the national interest we bring our valued customers up to speed on happenings on the domestic front without fear or favourites.

We media lapdogs have followed with growing alarm the erosion of journalistic values in this country as the fourth estate abandons its hallowed principles, engages in yellow journalism and refrains from reporting on mammon and mammaries. There are some among us who shall remain unnamed who still insist on reporting all the news that is fit to print, leaving out the bigotry, prejudice and preconceived notions. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned bias?

Here are items of news in 2019 that never saw the light of day:

Govt Thinking About Road Repair

KATHMANDU — The government spokesperson today denied that concerned authoritarians have neglected repairing the Nagarkot Road, saying they are giving the matter a great deal of thought.

“We’re thinking hard about it all the time,” said the spokesman for the Ministry of Doublethink. “In fact, we have subcontracted the repairs to a Think Tank that is thinking about it. After all, as we all know, it is the thought that counts.”

PM on Top of Mt Everest

By Our Social Climber

Prime Minister Oli Thursday inaugurated the Yeti Cable Car Service from Base Camp to the top of Mt Everest, congratulating the contractor for completing the National Pride Project ahead of schedule by abandoning the Godavari Road upgrade for 5 years.

He also opened a new View Tower with a Revolting Restaurant on the Everest summit that serves inclusive ethnic items like sukuti, churpi and chhang. “This will take #VNY2020 to new heights,” the PM said. Speaking of heights, the new View Tower now puts Sagarmatha’s official elevation at 8,900m.

Miss Canine Crowned 

By Our News Hound

Not to be outdone by the plethora of human beauty contests, Kathmandu’s canine population held its own Mr and Mrs Pooch Pageant this week. Contestants were judged in the Hottest Dog, Dog-Eat-Dog, Best Son-of-a-Bitch and Most Photogenic Tail categories.

Six-year-old Pukuli, who was crowned Miss Canine, won the pageant for the best answer in the interview round. In response to a judge’s question she replied: “Nepal has a bright future. I read in the papers that the country is going to the dogs.”

The Ass


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